azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)
Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 ([personal profile] azurelunatic) wrote2017-04-09 12:48 pm

A Gallery of Hostile Signatures

This document was compiled at old-work, for amusement purposes.

Signatures


$NAME
The name in the signature (as opposed to the .sig file) is possibly what this person would like you to call them when you write back.

(message is in all caps, there is no signature)
Either $NAME lost their caps lock key, or really needed to yell at you.

Love, $NAME
$NAME probably does not love you all that much.

Regards, $NAME
Fairly standard.

Best regards, $NAME
It's like "Regards", but better.

Fondest regards, $NAME
Of all possible regards for $NAME to give you right now, this withering stare is the fondest possible.

(omission of signature where previous signature was "Regards, $NAME")
$NAME wishes they did not have to regard you, or perhaps anyone at all, today.

Please advise.
$NAME has provided you with the latest information they have. They are pretty sure the information gap is on your end.

Thanks, $NAME
$NAME is either thanking you for something you have already done, or is thanking you in advance for the thing they just asked you to do, which may or may not be an imposition.

Thanks.
$NAME isn't feeling very thankful to know you right now.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
You ignore this at your peril.

Thank you for your time
$NAME would like to make sure you to know that they received no assistance, help, consideration, or anything else more concrete that they might otherwise have thanked you for.

Kindly do $THING.
$NAME's kind feelings to you are directly proportional to the speed with which $THING is done.

Kindly do $THING. Thanks.
The layer of kindness between you and your correspondent's seething lava pit of rage has nearly entirely been burned through.

Good day.
The full stop at the end is symbolic of the full stop that your correspondent's patience has come to. No name. You don't deserve the privilege of addressing $NAME until you have resolved whatever issue has caused your correspondent to descend to the permafrost-lined pits of Icy British Outrage.

Sincerely, $NAME
Fairly standard, a bit stuffy.

With utmost sincerity, $FULL_FORMAL_NAME
The veiled threat contained in the body of this message is entirely heartfelt.

J
$NAME uses Outlook and doesn't realize that you don't, and doesn't realize that due to your mail client's vagaries, you likely won't see a smiley-face there.

$#@!%*&
A conversation with HR is imminent.

I hate you,
Just in case the body of the message was not clear on this topic.

British Signatures


Cheers, $NAME
Friendly.
Not friendly.

Cordially, $NAME
What is the sound of something very sharp being applied from behind?

Kind regards, $NAME
Standard.

Regards, $NAME
Unkind regards.

Greetings


Hi, $HALF_YOUR_NAME
I didn't bother to pay attention to your signature.

Dear Frederick Douglass,
I mistook your .sig file for your signature.

Hidden Messages


Acrostic

Fold-in

Jargon
watersword: A large question mark and the words "he said" from Good Omens, Gaiman & Pratchett (Stock: ?)

[personal profile] watersword 2017-04-09 09:23 pm (UTC)(link)
Please advise.
$NAME has provided you with the latest information they have. They are pretty sure the information gap is on your end.


See, at my place of work, that means "$NAME is panicking over something that may or may not have gone wrong, probably emailed the wrong person if something has gone wrong, and is incapable of describing the thing precisely enough for the recipient to understand what the potential problem is."

.....okay, it's one person who uses that signoff and they are the WORST, my hackles go up whenever I see that phrase now.
watersword: A Dr. Seuss drawing of a fantastical creature solemnly reading a book entitled "How to Cook" (Stock: How To Cook)

[personal profile] watersword 2017-04-10 05:00 pm (UTC)(link)
I just got another one from them. "my wifi is out. please advise!"

....I don't have anything to do with the wireless network here. I don't know if they're on campus at all. I suspect but have no evidence that they're talking about the VPN, which is a totally different team's problem. There are so many problems with this ticket, Azz.