azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)
Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 ([personal profile] azurelunatic) wrote2017-04-09 12:48 pm

A Gallery of Hostile Signatures

This document was compiled at old-work, for amusement purposes.

Signatures


$NAME
The name in the signature (as opposed to the .sig file) is possibly what this person would like you to call them when you write back.

(message is in all caps, there is no signature)
Either $NAME lost their caps lock key, or really needed to yell at you.

Love, $NAME
$NAME probably does not love you all that much.

Regards, $NAME
Fairly standard.

Best regards, $NAME
It's like "Regards", but better.

Fondest regards, $NAME
Of all possible regards for $NAME to give you right now, this withering stare is the fondest possible.

(omission of signature where previous signature was "Regards, $NAME")
$NAME wishes they did not have to regard you, or perhaps anyone at all, today.

Please advise.
$NAME has provided you with the latest information they have. They are pretty sure the information gap is on your end.

Thanks, $NAME
$NAME is either thanking you for something you have already done, or is thanking you in advance for the thing they just asked you to do, which may or may not be an imposition.

Thanks.
$NAME isn't feeling very thankful to know you right now.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
You ignore this at your peril.

Thank you for your time
$NAME would like to make sure you to know that they received no assistance, help, consideration, or anything else more concrete that they might otherwise have thanked you for.

Kindly do $THING.
$NAME's kind feelings to you are directly proportional to the speed with which $THING is done.

Kindly do $THING. Thanks.
The layer of kindness between you and your correspondent's seething lava pit of rage has nearly entirely been burned through.

Good day.
The full stop at the end is symbolic of the full stop that your correspondent's patience has come to. No name. You don't deserve the privilege of addressing $NAME until you have resolved whatever issue has caused your correspondent to descend to the permafrost-lined pits of Icy British Outrage.

Sincerely, $NAME
Fairly standard, a bit stuffy.

With utmost sincerity, $FULL_FORMAL_NAME
The veiled threat contained in the body of this message is entirely heartfelt.

J
$NAME uses Outlook and doesn't realize that you don't, and doesn't realize that due to your mail client's vagaries, you likely won't see a smiley-face there.

$#@!%*&
A conversation with HR is imminent.

I hate you,
Just in case the body of the message was not clear on this topic.

British Signatures


Cheers, $NAME
Friendly.
Not friendly.

Cordially, $NAME
What is the sound of something very sharp being applied from behind?

Kind regards, $NAME
Standard.

Regards, $NAME
Unkind regards.

Greetings


Hi, $HALF_YOUR_NAME
I didn't bother to pay attention to your signature.

Dear Frederick Douglass,
I mistook your .sig file for your signature.

Hidden Messages


Acrostic

Fold-in

Jargon
vass: a man in a bat suit says "I am a model of mental health!" (Bats)

[personal profile] vass 2017-04-09 08:50 pm (UTC)(link)
You know that moment in Pawns and Symbols where it transpires that Klingons can't see red, so red-on-black is a poor choice for a WARNING: RESTRICTED AREA, DO NOT ENTER sign?

Sometimes I wish people would write their hostile sign-offs in the original Klingon.
watersword: A large question mark and the words "he said" from Good Omens, Gaiman & Pratchett (Stock: ?)

[personal profile] watersword 2017-04-09 09:23 pm (UTC)(link)
Please advise.
$NAME has provided you with the latest information they have. They are pretty sure the information gap is on your end.


See, at my place of work, that means "$NAME is panicking over something that may or may not have gone wrong, probably emailed the wrong person if something has gone wrong, and is incapable of describing the thing precisely enough for the recipient to understand what the potential problem is."

.....okay, it's one person who uses that signoff and they are the WORST, my hackles go up whenever I see that phrase now.
woggy: Dom (from the webcomic Megatokyo) talking on a phone (Dom)

[personal profile] woggy 2017-04-09 09:37 pm (UTC)(link)
I recognize far more of these than is probably healthy, though I tended to keep my hostility *slightly* more veiled. Usually.

Thanks for the laugh. :)
silveradept: A kodama with a trombone. The trombone is playing music, even though it is held in a rest position (Default)

[personal profile] silveradept 2017-04-10 02:08 am (UTC)(link)
I may have used some of these. In those ways, with those meanings. Repeatedly.
delight: (Default)

[personal profile] delight 2017-04-10 02:17 am (UTC)(link)
This post is actually, somehow, very useful to me with my flailing over not ever being sure how to sign emails. It makes some things so much clearer.
ankaret: (Keyboard Galaxy)

[personal profile] ankaret 2017-04-10 11:02 am (UTC)(link)
This = awesome.

I would add under Greetings:

Cheerio
I am mocking you for being British.
I am trying to indicate my admiration of your Britishness.
I think your brains are made of breakfast cereal.

Under Signatures:

Cheerio
Neutral, with overtones of 'I consider this matter closed'.
Edited 2017-04-10 11:02 (UTC)
redsixwing: Red-winged angel staring at a distant star. (Default)

[personal profile] redsixwing 2017-04-10 03:20 pm (UTC)(link)
*cackle*

I have used "please advise" in exactly that manner.

[personal profile] sithjawa 2017-04-11 03:26 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter!
kaberett: Photo of a pile of old leather-bound books. (books)

[personal profile] kaberett 2017-04-11 09:49 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you from posterity :D
nanila: me (Default)

[personal profile] nanila 2017-04-11 04:13 pm (UTC)(link)
Under British, I use

All the best

either when I don't know the recipient at all, or when what I actually mean is "I hope you step on an irregularly shaped Lego on the way to the loo at midnight".
cesy: "Cesy" - An old-fashioned quill and ink (Default)

[personal profile] cesy 2017-04-11 08:24 pm (UTC)(link)
I use regards and kind regards the other way around, as do most of my colleagues in the UK.