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6/3/17 12:00
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5/3/17 12:00
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azurelunatic: panic button.  (panic)
Last we properly heard, my partner was preparing for a highly emotionally charged stealth departure to achieve a separation from their abusive ex. (The situation is complicated. Once you get to more than one of the following, you've got a problem: home ownership, bitter breakup, long-term relationship, state-specific laws on property division, laws on property division that vary based on the type of relationship, intimate partner abuse, and probably factors that I'm forgetting and/or don't care to mention.)

As we have possibly come to appreciate, getting out of abusive relationships is hard as fuck. I would like to point out here that I did not in fact "get myself out of" my relationship with Shawn. Shawn asked me for a sexual favor, rudely ) and then told me that he and his new girlfriend were monogamous now, and thereby broke up with me. #classy

Some of the steps. )

There was a document, the Book of Shitty Compromises. Read more... )

That, friends, is what we call a shitty compromise.

My partner was training themselves to notice when they were making a shitty compromise for the sake of homeland tranquility, or at least, non-esclation. They weren't necessarily challenging their ex on things, or doing what they would truly prefer to do, but they were keeping track of those times and things in the Book of Shitty Compromises.

Also in the Book of Shitty Compromises was a checklist, the checklist of things that would have to be done in order to achieve physical separation.

In my professional life, I am pretty confident in my ability to handle logistics for things like little two-day professional conferences for a hundred or so people. That's a lot of moving parts, and (due to past experience) I can't count on me actually being there for every step of the way to direct all the people who are going to need directing. This means checklists.

I am also not the person who is the last word on decisions for this stuff. That means coaxing preferences and event visions out of the people who are actually in charge of that. Sometimes this means coaxing logistical details out of people who are used to executing the event but aren't used to articulating what exactly is needed. Sometimes that means going "Okay, when you say X, what do you have to do to make X happen?" and then, "So when you say you 'just do Y', who do you talk to about that? When does that happen? How do they know where they have to be?"

I brought those skills to bear on my partner. Y'all, if you've never had someone grill you for ... quite a while ... on the details of what you'll actually need to do in order to leave an abusive ex? This is not easy. This is very, very, very not easy. We weren't sure if I was putting too much pressure, not enough, or on the wrong place. And I am so fucking proud of them.

They thought they wouldn't be ready in January. I saw the signs of increasing restiveness in them, and ... wanted to make sure that as much as could be done, was done. Just in case there had to be an unexpected leap.

Saturday the 7th of January, they realized that they'd been pushed too far, that they were still (so, so very) scared, but they were more scared at the prospect of spending another month subjected to the ex's whims and demands and escalation. (And the ex had started escalating again. Verbal abuse, and impossible demands for the terms of the breakup.)

Having started the process to gather muscle to help move and pizza funds (much appreciated, thank you all so much), we realized that one of the bottlenecks was that my partner would have to be in about five places at once if this was going to be conducted as a pinpoint operation and possibly in the presence of the ex.

One of the ex's skills is an attention to detail that includes noticing changes (stuff moved, stuff removed) in the household. My partner got enough grief from a few small changes that they knew pre-packing was a non-starter. So they were left with a few days of tense anticipation but with few actionable items. They also weren't sure how many boxes they'd need; I am the one with the advanced spatial logic skills in this relationship.

My partner was also not rescuing all of their stuff. If they were, it would have been more work, but simpler: pack it all up and go, sort it out later. This was somewhat more strategic: pack up the stuff in order of priority, starting with the stuff that my partner would need for a few weeks crashing with a friend, and going in descending order of priority (of stuff that was theirs and would be hard to replace, expensive to replace, and easy for the ex to mess with if the ex was being vengeful) until either packing materials or time ran out. This meant that my partner had to tell people who they possibly didn't know all that well what to pack, and I could see this getting in the way of everything. They'd have to be running about from room to room directing, when it might take the entire time to corner the Antisocial Cat and get her in the travel cage.

"Can you take pictures of the stuff you want to pack?" I asked. "That won't disturb anything, but maybe I can start estimating the volume or something."

That, they could do. So as part of my organization process in the estimation, I wound up preparing a visual packing list.

I will probably use similar methods to prepare a packing list for myself, when it's my turn to move, since it turned out so well. (My partner can perhaps, at some point, give details on how it worked on their end.)

Read more... )

We gathered support: people with vehicles, people to pack, pizza money. (And a little bit of tea-and-chocolate money that was a holiday gift from a friend of mine.) They confirmed that their friends not quite an hour's drive away were still available to host them. They confirmed maximum availability. I blocked their ex on Facebook before posting a call for help, and tagged people who I suspected wouldn't be able to help, but who might have friends who would be able to help. There were a few people, and one of them was able to help with the unloading.

They went to see the lawyers, and signed papers and paid money for the lawyers' help in getting the ex out of their house and returning their house to them. There was no turning back now. (They still had fears and reservations, and still thought that this might be too cruel to do to the ex. Despite everything the ex had done, and the ex's continual show of bad faith.)

I realized a few things.

My partner was about to do the most terrifying thing of their life.
My partner was about to do the most terrifying thing of their life, not knowing whether their ex was going to be present to interfere.
My partner was about to do something that terrified the snot out of them, and would be entirely absorbed in the process, and therefore unavailable to do anything except engage with the process.
I was too far away to help, and my presence would only burn money and exacarbate any problems with the ex.
I was not going to be okay in the slightest. (I would prove to be less okay than the night before my surgery.)
I was going to need someone to physically be with me, so I wouldn't be alone for this.
Purple had the plague, and couldn't do dinner.
[personal profile] quartzpebble had another engagement that night.
[personal profile] jd could be available after work. I arranged to pick him up from the Caltrain station, and thence to get pizza.

The day came. Tuesday, the 10th of January. The ex had been planning to run some errands. My partner wasn't sure whether the ex would complete the errands before move time. As of 4pm, the ex hadn't left for those errands. My partner wasn't sure whether the ex would have left for those errands by move time. The ex had also asked my partner to do a grocery run, and my partner wasn't sure if that would leave time to pick up one of the people helping move.

I gently suggested that since nothing on the grocery list was super ultra urgent, perhaps the ex could pick up their own god damn groceries the following day.

"Even now, despite everything planned for tonight, I am still in the mode of doing what they want."

Read more... )

And my partner and their cat were safely ensconced in the spare room of some friends, and everyone was safe.


The ex, of course, tried to call (the call was not answered), and texted.
Read more... )

And my partner's terror, slowly, began to ebb, with every day that their ex didn't show up to throw a lawn tantrum at work.

And we are okay.

My tweets

4/3/17 12:00
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3/3/17 12:00
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2/3/17 12:00
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1/3/17 12:00
azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)
  • Tue, 12:05: RT @honest_update: Shout out to the folks carrying pagers for S3 or that depend on S3. ❤
  • Tue, 12:07: RT @KittenRescue: Our webcam went down this morning. A review of the footage showed that this was the last image taken before we lost the f…
  • Tue, 12:09: RT @ArrantPedantry: I'm learning so much about lexicography from @KoryStamper's Word by Word. https://t.co/Phhgfl9RBp
  • Tue, 12:14: RT @ann_leckie: Here's the thing about jokes: nothing is funny in a vacuum. Jokes are ALWAYS a matter of context. Always working with a set…
  • Tue, 12:27: RT @kaylakayo: because 9/10 when im told to relax, i'm actually calm. so now i have to get hype for you to see the difference https://t.co/
  • Tue, 13:08: RT @scribblingfox: One of my coworkers calls a major IaaS outage "A San Francisco snow day."
  • Tue, 13:13: RT @subnetwork: The single greatest quote regarding the AWS outage: https://t.co/FDQW0dVYgQ
  • Tue, 13:14: RT 🔒: We worry about the damage a Russian plant can cause high up in the US govt but what about in the Amazon corporate structure
  • Tue, 13:15: RT @fawfulfan: When Republicans say they'll "defund Planned Parenthood", they really mean they'll carve out a special exception in Medicaid…
  • Tue, 13:15: RT @fawfulfan: And that's a hugely dangerous precedent. Govt refusing to let certain doctors treat patients because of their political view…
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  • Sun, 12:41: RT @jaythenerdkid: accept fat people love fat people support fat people give agency to fat people stop trying to control fat people celebra…
  • Sun, 12:41: RT @paolobacigalupi: I need health security. More than insurance, that's what losing the ACA represents to me. My hard work/savings can be…
  • Sun, 12:43: RT @mhoye: This is amazing: a real-life cache-poisoning attack on Calgary pizza joint phone numbers. https://t.co/wUcdOMRseQ
  • Sun, 12:54: RT @Lollardfish: PLEASE RT: Go to @RegulationsGov to tell @usedgov & @BetsyDeVosED to keep collecting CIVIL RIGHTS DATA. By 2/28. https://…
  • Sun, 15:01: RT @janeruffino: Seeing people I love being dragged into shitty debates with Both Sides Bros and other trash. Here is a useful react 4u to…
  • Sun, 16:36: RT @kellybarnhill: So, now I'm going to talk a bit about my experience with Free and Reduced Lunch. Because there are things @BetsyDeVos do…
  • Sun, 17:37: RT @civilwarbore: Seriously how am I supposed to extend understanding to voters who want wombats out of the US.
  • Sun, 17:37: RT @civilwarbore: Explain like I'm 5 how exactly I'm supposed to ~understand the concerns~ of a dude who thinks "wombats should stay out" i…
  • Sun, 17:37: RT @civilwarbore: Because I just don't think there's any middle ground there. He thinks freakin wombats are undocumented immigrants.
  • Sun, 17:37: RT @civilwarbore: This complete disconnect from any ability to contend with objective reality - you can't have a dialog with that.
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azurelunatic: AO3 rating glyph: Explicit, Multi-relationships, choose not to warn, unfinished.  (how is this my life)
There are a few resonant phrases in this relationship. Some are endearments and other such private things.

There are two that occupy adjacent spaces.

"As long as we both want it."
That's our time commitment. If both of us no longer want the relationship, it's time to work on dismantling it with the same consideration and love we put into constructing it. If so many as one of us no longer wants it, it's time to end it.

And as long as we both do want it, that means putting in the work. Being present. Taking care. Tackling the problems that pop up.

And there will be problems. But we don't have to face them alone anymore.

"Together. As we do with all things."

Even when we still have to do a specific part alone, the principle stays with us. The hard things are a little less hard with someone holding your hand.
azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)
  • Wed, 15:13: RT @zviltv: thread https://t.co/K4EAGVIlTQ
  • Wed, 16:27: RT @roqchams: If you feel repulsed at sight of someone using their food stamps card to buy steak, or food associated w/ well off people, th…
  • Wed, 16:31: RT @Iron_Spike: This is your occasional, scientifically-supported reminder that your BMI is not a reliable measure of your health. https://…
  • Wed, 16:43: RT @linneaharts: Amazing essay on the construction of male desire, how it affects women and men--toxic masculinity again. https://t.co/MLW2
  • Wed, 16:48: RT @UrsulaV: I can't even think of a joke. The internal screaming is drowning it all out. https://t.co/YUBdjGf1qO
  • Wed, 16:48: RT @spacetwinks: you're looking for the commanding leader when the fact is a bunch of fucking nerds being cool with oppression is the real…
  • Wed, 16:48: RT @spacetwinks: you have to come to grips with the banality of evil, or otherwise, you'll keep making excuses for those who do it and be b…
  • Wed, 16:48: RT @spacetwinks: there are plenty of "nice" people who are still perfectly fine with the dehumnization of others. it is very common, very b…
  • Wed, 16:49: RT @mohmlet: Never forget or erase the fact that @VP's actions caused a massive HIV outbreak that was entirely preventable. Don't let other…
  • Wed, 16:52: RT @speechboy71: I always thought freedom was not to die from preventable illnesses because someone read Ayn Rand in high school & still th…
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  • Sat, 15:02: RT @ReformedBroker: JFK took a lot of shit in the press for Bay of Pigs. Here’s what he said when asked if he still reads newspapers and ma…
  • Sat, 22:12: RT @slack2thefuture: RT if you’re not a journalist & you don’t like Milo Yiannopoulos. https://t.co/aL9vtFKPG9
  • Sun, 00:37: At least my partner's mask is a different style than mine, so we won't mix them up. #quitethematchedpair https://t.co/HaQP9bAgUn
  • Sun, 02:22: I will sometimes whisper endearments when waking up in the middle of the night, tiptoeing back, and hearing my beautiful breathe. 💙💙💙
  • Sun, 02:23: RT @godtributes: @azurelunatic WHISPERS UNTO THE WHISPER GOD! 💙 💙 💙 💙 💙 FOR THE 💙 CHRONICLES
  • Sun, 03:25: RT @NWSBayArea: Moisture laden subtropical air going for #CA, loop is 4 am Sat-1 am Sun. Light rain now reaching #BayArea, VERY WET+WINDY l…
  • Sun, 06:47: RT @WillMcAvoyACN: If his weekend trips to Mar-A-Lago are going to be a regular thing, can we start referring to President Trump as "Florid…
  • Sun, 07:26: RT @morninggloria: Trump thinks you're dumb enough to believe that thousands of journalists from competing outlets are all conspiring to li…
  • Sun, 07:26: RT @morninggloria: This is extra dumb when you know journalists cant even agree on eye contact, deodorant wearing, or whether shirts should…
  • Sun, 07:30: RT @LeeMcVeigh: 'Stop calling everyone a nazi!' - people who have spent the last decade calling feminists feminazis
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Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺

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