azurelunatic: A pajama-clad small child uses a rainbow-striped cruciform parachute. From illustration of "Go the Fuck to Sleep". (insomnia)
Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 ([personal profile] azurelunatic) wrote2017-02-14 12:45 am

Sleep class!

So because not only do I have insomnia, I also suffer from it, the most-recent in the chain of moderately alarmed sleep-adjacent professionals (the neurologist at Deer Creek) referred me to the Improve Your Sleep! class, which has been eating my Monday evenings over the last month.

The main feature of this class, in the eyes of the neurologist and my counselor, has been the CBT aspect of it. Apparently the number one thing that cures insomnia is CBT. So everyone was hopeful. (I had specified to the neurologist that I would in fact be running anything suggested in the CBT past my Supervisor and my therapist. Which was a good call to have made.)

It turns out that when Guide Dog Aunt loaned me a book on sleep a few years ago, the one that pointed out that there was not in fact any moral value to any specific sleep schedule, and that instead of saying stuff like "I'm lazy because I sleep until noon", one should look at it in terms of "My most productive hours are in the evening, and I schedule my life in a way that suits my sleep schedule" -- that general tool of re-framing the guilt and fear around sleep is in fact the very CBT that this class relies on. So, unfortunately, the CBT that I had hoped would be new information was not, in fact, new information at all. The book specifically addressed Negative Sleep Thoughts. The class then expanded the concepts of re-framing runaway negative thought chains in a better light, which is also a Fishmum trick that I've been teaching my little fishies and my partner...

The other main leg of this class is meditation and the relaxation response. I believe that I can trace my habit of meditative breathing in particular to the summer when I read ... some Heinlein book or other ... and thought that taking up meditation would be a grand idea. The latest that could have been was 1996. Then I formally took up meditation (and learned all of the techniques discussed in the meditation unit of this class) in 2001-ish, when I went to DeVry to get a degree in Holistic Massage join a coven. So depending how you slice it, I've been familiar with, and practicing, meditation for anywhere from fifteen to twenty years.

The main new information I got out of the class, in fact, was that sleep-maintenance insomnia was recently discovered to be associated with a sleep-time body temperature that has not dropped as it ought to for that part of the night. And I do, in fact, routinely overheat while attempting to sleep. Which means that if I'm in bed and even slightly think that I might not get to sleep soonish, I should immediately go and get the ice pack, and not try to be a hero.

Also, low doses of sedating antidepressants are also used as sleep medications. The instructor was down on this practice, because antidepressants are only good for people with depression. FUNNY THING, THAT.

Pretty much all the rest of the class was review, and (due to my internets research) I was often in possession of more detailed information than the instructor. I came to feel that I could probably have taught the class myself, given the curriculum.

The first class was pleasant enough. I think there were about ten of us. One woman came in late, and borrowed a pen from me. We had a pleasant chat while she was waiting for her husband to pick her up. She's sleep-deprived to the point that she can't safely drive, and caretaking for her autistic son has done a number on her sleep schedule and ability to stay asleep.

I reviewed the materials in the packets for the four weeks. The second week, the cognitive re-framing, was going to be hard, since the materials blithely suggested that "most people" could get away with abbreviated amounts of sleep with nothing more terrible than a loss of creativity and a bad mood. Pro tip: when your patient reports suicidal ideation and impulses tied to as little as one night of abbreviated sleep while under stressful circumstances (and the current Republican administration is nothing if not stressful circumstances) telling the patient that everything is probably going to be okay if they blow sunshine up their own ass is life-threateningly bad advice. So I realized that I had better sit next to the door in case I had to step out of the room.

During the second class, the instructor was trying to impress upon us the way that a poorly timed nap can fuck up your sleep schedule pretty badly. My friend said that this was going to be a problem for her: you put her in the car (as a passenger) and she passes out pretty much instantly.

"It should be easy to stay awake in the car!" said the instructor.

"It's hard."

"Well, life is hard."

At this juncture, I decided that the most constructive action I could take was going to be going and sitting in the hall for a bit (and angrily texting my partner). I came back in after about five minutes.

Later in the evening, the instructor planned to lead us through more meditation/relaxation, to include the rest of the class period. I abruptly realized that I did not actually feel that making myself vulnerable to and in front of this instructor was a good idea, and grabbed my stuff and left the building.

In the third class, I sat by the door. (My friend did not show up for this class, or the following week.) When the meditation/relaxation section arrived, I popped both headphones in and proceeded to listen to podcasts, and only emerged when that bit was done. At the end of class, I asked the instructor about the bits in the next one, saying without explanation that I would not be taking part in the relaxation exercise, and would likely leave the room. He said when the long one would be, and there would be another short one later.

In the fourth class (tonight), I sat by the door, and took a chair with me when I popped out for the duration of the exercise. The instructor came and fetched me when it was done. And I did other things for the short one.

I did ask, this time, what he recommended to keep you awake when the sleep pressure is high but it's a bad time for a nap. And if there were resources on being a millennial and not having a whole house to work with in terms of keeping stress out of your bedroom. (Do something loud. And, probably, somewhere.) I asked about next steps. He recommended the meditation class, or the anxiety class. "That really doesn't seem to be a recommendation geared for someone who has been practicing meditation for fifteen years," I said, smiling aggressively.

He recommended tai chi.

"That's really rather along the same lines," I said, still smiling.

There was a class evaluation form, which asked about how much we learned from the class, and how helpful it was. It was ... not.

So I'll be asking my GP, my counselor, and my psychiatrist about next steps, then. Now that I've taken this miserable class so they'll take me seriously.
lilysea: (Indignant)

[personal profile] lilysea 2017-02-14 09:14 am (UTC)(link)
Urgh. :(

I am so sorry you (and the other people in the class!) had this experience!

Thank you for writing about it,

and please write about other sleep stuff you encounter in future if you feel comfortable doing so,

both myself and my SO have longstanding and significant sleep issues, so more knowledge in this area is always good. ^_^ <3
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)

[personal profile] alatefeline 2017-02-14 09:40 am (UTC)(link)

I admire you for the sheer cussedness and hard work it takes to put up with that crap. I know it's not f***ing optional because of the requirement to accept crap to get passed along to anything new to try, BUT you still did something pretty impressive. The longest I've put up with 'I could teach this' is a few hours at a time, and it wasn't medical.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)

[personal profile] alatefeline 2017-02-14 09:47 am (UTC)(link)
Eeesh. I'm sorry that the world is stuffed full of sh** of this sort.

*realizes this story is more personally applicable than I want it to be* Gahhh and I dunwanna deal with the medical things or the sleep things of my own either *hides* oh noooo it even found me at the bottom of my cup of chamomile tea. *makes pillow fort* If I stay here long enough that's LIKE sleeping right?

I hope that your docs give you something actually useful to try next.
quartzpebble: (Default)

[personal profile] quartzpebble 2017-02-14 10:36 am (UTC)(link)
Waugh. That's horrible. That does not sound like an environment that is good for inducing vulnerability. Good for you noticing that.

I take a low dose of one of those sedating antidepressants for sleep (since other ADs keep me from sleeping for long enough, and keep me from going to sleep) and it is glorious. I sleep enough. I fall asleep within 20 min unless my brain is really on about something. I am awake in the morning (if I've slept enough). For people with depression, it's (ime) not a bad call.
sporky_rat: Animated Cat. Text: i'm poopin I'M POOPIN false alarm (POOP)

[personal profile] sporky_rat 2017-02-14 03:14 pm (UTC)(link)
That sounds like the most miserable, most aggravating load of codswallop I have ever heard.
(The class, I mean.)
The one time I ever took one of those, the instructor at least gave out a quick questionnaire to see who knew anything about what was going to be discussed. I sort of tested right out of that class. But yours! Ugh.

Here's hoping something works out for your sleeping.
(Is it just getting to sleep or is it staying asleep? Mine's trouble getting to sleep and then I can't stay asleep and then I wake up early early when I do manage to stay asleep. It's remarkable how you can want to stab your brain.)
redsixwing: Red-winged angel staring at a distant star. (Default)

[personal profile] redsixwing 2017-02-14 03:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh noooo. Good for you, getting through that and writing useful information so they can tell where they done gone wrong.
alexseanchai: Blue and purple lightning (Default)

[personal profile] alexseanchai 2017-02-14 04:14 pm (UTC)(link)
Auuuugh /o\
tim: Tim with short hair, smiling, wearing a black jacket over a white T-shirt (Default)

[personal profile] tim 2017-02-14 05:02 pm (UTC)(link)
Ugh. Sorry you had to expose yourself to that toxic waste.

This is a prime example of why CBT is so, so bad for anybody with a trauma history. My thoughts aren't the problem, it's my body literally trying to protect me by telling me a situation is unsafe. (Which is why I have insomnia -- I spent my childhood being forced by an abusive parent to go to bed when I wasn't tired, and in fact, not actually experiencing sleepiness partly because of that and partly because my body pretty much shut off any awareness of internal senses because that was too dangerous to have in the situation I was in. Telling myself to think better thoughts won't fix it, it'll just cause more shame because I can't perform.)
tim: Tim with short hair, smiling, wearing a black jacket over a white T-shirt (Default)

[personal profile] tim 2017-02-14 05:25 pm (UTC)(link)
I ended up wanting to expand more on that thought, so I wrote a post and linked to this one. If you don't want it linked to, I'll be happy to take it out. Thanks for the inspiration in any case :)
quartzpebble: (frayed)

[personal profile] quartzpebble 2017-02-14 07:52 pm (UTC)(link)
There were aspects of CBT approaches that I found very useful, even while being actively (re)traumatized. They let me stop the thought-spirals and helped me accurately assess consequences and evaluate situations. I'm finding that it doesn't get to the underlying masses of shame-guilt-grief-fear, but it's helped me stop getting stuck in them in the moment and has given me some very useful skills.
quartzpebble: (HaH pain scale)

Re: From an email to my prescribing psychiatrist:

[personal profile] quartzpebble 2017-02-14 08:26 pm (UTC)(link)

[personal profile] sithjawa 2017-02-14 09:35 pm (UTC)(link)

I took melatonin once upon a time and I thought I was *nuts* when I found I was taking a dose some site thought was clinically insignificant, increased my dose, and it stopped working.

[personal profile] sithjawa 2017-02-14 09:46 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you. I've been poking around thoughts similar to this lately - I believe I could theoretically do CBT w/ a trusted professional, if I met a professional I could trust to a very high degree, but the basic framing/concept behind CBT comes across to me as gaslighting. It isn't that I don't have cognitive distortions (even ones I'm aware are exactly that), but if somebody is going to poke around in my head *looking for evidence that my brain is distorting things,* I have to trust them to be *not looking for a way to gaslight me and blame all my woes on me in order to excuse the rest of society,* and that just is not an easy trust to win, considering.

[personal profile] sithjawa 2017-02-14 09:48 pm (UTC)(link)
>> Even the not-traumatized members of this class would probably have been better served by affirmations like "That is a work problem, and I can think about it when I am at my desk" rather than "I will perform just fine even if I am only allowing myself to stay in bed for four hours."

wait that's abusive

(I know, I know, what have you been saying this entire post)
Edited 2017-02-14 21:49 (UTC)

[personal profile] sithjawa 2017-02-14 10:32 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah, but there's an enormous difference between *me* (or, say, *you*) saying "that is a weasel, sp. Mustela cerebris," and some person who hasn't earned that level of trust doing it, thinking that having a degree entitles them to that level of trust.

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