azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)
Choose no more than two of the following: quick/convenient, inexpensive, Friendly Neighborhood Establishment. Which is to say, it was time for Vash to get his oil changed, and work vs. my sleep schedule vs. the need to either schedule or walk in hella early at the Friendly Neighborhood Establishment was not a good thing. So we went for the Not Actually Cheap place.

It was raining, which was lovely, although it did not give pause to the intermittent banging of various construction in and around my building.

I arrived in time for lunch. It was a smallish group, and fairly subdued. lb was home with what we hope isn't a broken butt; he had a bad fall while skating yesterday afternoon and one of the #adventuresofstnono crowd took him to the ER. (He's not part of Purple's regular lunch group, as he has a regular lunch group on his own floor.) So regardless of the rain, he wouldn't be out skating today.

Mr. Zune reported a hella awkward thing going on yesterday; I'll have to ask for an update at some point.

A lot of people were out, either working from home, on PTO, sick, or supervising small children partying hard.

I got the package from [personal profile] synecdochic! I have not fully explored it, but OH MY GOD THAT IS A LOT OF IMPS. HELLA DECANT CIRCLE IS HELLA. I can't remember just now whether I ordered the Pumpkin Spice Everything or whether it was an extra, but it plays rather better as BPAL on my skin than it does as variously edible confections. Clearly those spices are something I should look for in other blends. This is night and day vs. that one cinnamon one which smelled like hellfire and yelling on me. Also, All Saints was the perfect choice for a sniffie empty bottle in addition to the ordered imp -- it is exactly the kind of white florals which my skin loves so much. And the combination of adjacent All Saints and Pumpkin Spice Everything is something I'd like to explore further.

When we got to the possibly-social portion of the evening, I pinged IRC to see who was up for social. The only one who seemed to be around was Purple. I wrapped one bit of stuff, and wandered over with things. He'd been called into a nearby office. I left stuff on his desk and headed back to get a few more things done. Once he re-emerged, I came back over. We had popcorn, and rum in soda. Eventually his regular Friday night dinner buddy (a friend from his last workplace) called. He declared that he wasn't trick-or-treating (at which point I launched a well-timed, well-aimed bit of candy). He asked if I'd like to come along. Yes, I would.

It was good to meet his friend. She seems quiet, but really damn awesome, has the right kind of terrible sense of humor, and great at either not noticing or ignoring on purpose a host of irrelevant distractions. (Purple: "... wouldn't notice if a whole bunch of clowns marched into the workplace." Her: "I would notice; I would simply ignore them.") Knowing the likely size of the dessert, I asked for two spoons. Purple was still not up for dessert. I therefore took the other half home for later. (Yum.) (He would have claimed it for later had I not, however.)

Chatting on the side of the street between our cars is a somewhat different vibe than chatting in the cozy work parking lot. No hug, but that was all right. There doesn't always have to be a hug.

I had a candle quietly lit for a while after I got home.

Somewhat after midnight, I opened the traditional new text file for NaNo. Not sure what I'm doing this year, but it is what I do in November.
azurelunatic: Azz and best friend grabbing each other's noses.  (trust)
A quiet Sunday.

Came home in a state of general delight and pleasure with the world, wrote up Saturday's happenings. Conked out in bed at something approaching a reasonable hour. Slept until early afternoon, as one does.

A further note: those thin black drink-straws really don't work well as chopsticks for ice cubes. I was SO CLOSE, though.

Embarked on various bits of reading, both off internet and on. Did some minor tidying and/or dishes.

Eventually I realized that it was getting on in hours and my fitbit was telling me I was behind on steps for the day. (I try to aim for at least the goal, but no higher than double.) So I moved myself with my chat with [personal profile] sithjawa on my phone to the bouncy-ball, and there spent a reasonably instructive hour allowing my abdominal muscles to stand in for legs.

[personal profile] zarhooie was having various Adventures of Road. Snow was not meant to travel in a sideways direction, no, not even in Minnesnowda.

I finished up reading Archer's Goon, which I found good.
A spoiler. )
The tooth marks on my copy look like either a staple-remover or a cat.

A friend observed that Purple went from zero to Trusted very fast (for me)! This is true. Read more... )

The common factor in going quickly from zero to Trusted seems to involve getting a relatively low scoring of halt or caution flags, which could originate either internally or externally. A higher scoring hits the threshold where all the new stuff has to be carefully inspected lest it fuck stuff up, and that slows down the information transfer rate something serious. This results in a) more actual time elapsed per unit of information transferred, resulting in b) more actual time elapsed per trust benchmark. It also means c) there is a high halt/caution score, which goes right along with d) various forms of distrust or no-go piling up.

My trust is of course a multifactor thing, not a single axis. Imagine a very long page full of slider-bars. They're all set more or less in the neutral middle (with modifications for societal stuff: it's not like I'm expecting every dude I meet to react with an AK-47 to a gay-hug, but there's always the possibility that someone's a Sara*). There is a slider-bar for basically absolutely every interpersonal attribute you could imagine, from "I trust you to not kill me and dump my body in a ditch" to "given sufficient rehearsal time, we could sing a duet together and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't screw it up".

* Sorry, non-homophobic Saras (and people who love them).

Some sliders pull others. Some sliders are a compilation of others. Some have thresholds set by others. Some have no effect on others. Not trusting someone to not kill or otherwise hurt me has an amazing effect on my willingness to enter a large-scale project with, spend time in the company of, or leave my cat with, someone. However, unwillingness to lend someone my calculator because they may perhaps have a larger issue with carelessness with their friends' possessions doesn't necessarily have anything to do with their acting skill and their dramatic chemistry with me; I may be happy to play opposite them on any script perhaps even without examining it first. (Oh, Shawn.) Do I trust you to hold a tune without a bucket? No? No matter, I'm still willing to consider telling you my secrets, provided something else hasn't blocked that. (And maybe we could sing a duet just for fun, just us two, giving zero fucks about staying on-key.)
azurelunatic: Azz and best friend grabbing each other's noses.  (best friends forever)
I aspire to be Ms. Universe when I grow up. Not Mrs. Universe, because that would be kinda creepy, almost Stepfordesque, but more like Mr. Universe. Except for the ending.
Octopus would have been freaky without the 1337 haxx0r thing going on.
Reavers = ew.
Darkside = sweet.
River + ceiling = OTP

Darkside's mother is warm and caring and sweet, and Just Does Not Get some aspects of Geek Social Time. Darkside popped into his room and grabbed Vol 1. of Journey to the West and resumed reading. She warmly, lovingly, and caringly scolded him about Ignoring His Guest, and being Just Like His Dad. In strict point of fact, His Guest had been warmed by the sight of him breaking out a good book, and had actually been contemplating going out to her car and retrieving Her Book, then curling back up on the couch with American Gods and spending a leisurely remainder of the afternoon in companionable silence without the goddamnnoisybox interfering.

Strawberries = good. I now know what I want to use to bribe him with. I am a part-time cleric of Aphrodite -- but all I could think about was the juicy strawberries and the fact that I was sharing them with him. We were having a Moment. That's probably sufficient right there. I didn't even think about attempting to eat the strawberries suggestively. It was just Us. Us and the strawberries. There's a photo of me at my first birthday with a strawberry cake that turned into a royal mess. 25 years later, strawberries and gooey creamy dip-stuff were just the perfect thing. I successfully resisted Cake (left over from yesterday's epic graduation party for Darkside's friend). Given a choice between leftover chocolate cake and sharing strawberries with Darkside? Strawberries win.

After I wake up on Monday? Bookstore time, so I can tell Darkside what he got me. ;)

I woke up to random birthday messages on LJ. I signed in to IRC, and there was a mini birthday party there. Then [ profile] swallowtayle called to wish me a happy birthday. After that, I wandered over to work, bearing veggies and chips for the planned potluck in honor of Grandma Cinderella's birthday. I was the only one who remembered that it was happening... Work did wish me a happy birthday, though. Then I went over to see Darkside, since our communications about the date had been left at "I'm not sure -- I have $EVENT Friday, and then $RELATED_EVENT Saturday... we'll see?" He and I had left at about the same time; when his mom called him, he was a quarter mile away from my doorstep. Much hilarity was had; he turned around and came back, and I hung out. Mama called a bit later, and then V. Much fun was had overall.

I left Darkside's at a reasonable hour, then wound up calling Shawn after I refueled and started with the drive home. Much fun there too. Then stopped in to see [ profile] trystan_laryssa and [ profile] dustraven. Wound up going over and saying hi to Loren, as that's where D was. Kitty hijinks! Then, back to their apartment, and cookie puffs and then Princess Princess. Crack indeed! And so sparkly!

Oh, yes, a good birthday.
azurelunatic: Abstract.  (bondmates)
Called Darkside this evening when I got the chance. 35 minutes of alternate giggling, blank silence, and babbling. He's a fanboy; I'm a fangirl. Thus, his "But how can anyone ever out-Shatner Shatner?" had me in stitches.

Work. Writers group. Life. Sunburns. #lj_support -- is that a support group for the LJ-addicted? Barf. Puns. Bad, bad puns.

... and what I'd longed for most, without knowing it? The inability to pry ourselves off the phone with each other without a crowbar. We had almost bid each other farewell when the puns attacked, and we stayed talking for that extra five minutes, punctuated with silence, before we finally let go.

I feel myself slipping into that place where social connections ossify and the old become the only, by dint of a hardness of the outer layer of soul. This, I know, is the precursor to a hardening of the imagination and mind.

I must not let that happen, but I must not allow myself to be worn away by ducks.

In the light of his eyes, I do not fear my weaknesses.
azurelunatic: Azz and best friend grabbing each other's noses.  (best friends forever)
(expanded from commentary elsejournal) So how do you deal with the difference in friendship maintenance needs? From my outside perspective, it seems like (as in many Darkside-related matters) you just suck it up and deal, but you aren't happy about it.

Friendship-maintenance social time is a reality that's been causing grief between Darkside and me for a while. We'd go out of our way to see each other twice yearly on his friendship maintenance schedule if it were up to him. We'd see each other at least weekly if it were up to me. And even though I know he cares about me -- I'd really like it better if he suggested an alternate time and activity that would be acceptable to him if my initial suggestion was not right for him, rather than just declining.

If he were anyone else, I possibly would have either walked away by now, or let his maintenance schedule set the pace. If he'd been someone else, the calls from me would have continued faithfully for a while, but then one of those months when he had something scheduled every day of every weekend, I'd have one day forgotten to call, and then another, and another, until months had gone by before I'd thought to contact him on a day I knew would work for both of us to talk. There's nothing new about that pattern for either of us. He learned to short-circuit the lingering months of missing people you'll like as not hear from ever again. If you know already that they'll never call back, why bother calling them? A few moments of contact a year, any time that you happen to think of them -- around a holiday, maybe -- it'll be fun to hear how they're doing again.

I have friends like that too. I don't think I've spoken to Ginger in over five years. The next time we run into each other, we'll be ever so happy -- but we won't go out of our way. She's not part of my daily life anymore. But it was a bitter fight, being used to her being gone...

I've learned how to take it, just as he did. So much of the time, there is really no choice. But is that really so? How much determination does it take to keep shouting into that void until long after you're sure there will be no response, ever? When do you fold yourself quietly back and decide that it's best to quit while ahead, and you don't want to actually lose the friend from being too pushy and obnoxious?

With anyone else, I'd have backed off long ago and let him set our pace. But somewhere along the line, he let me know enough about him to know where to see what is behind the mask. And what was behind the mask told me that as I loved him, I would never let go -- I would never abandon our friendship now that he'd invested so much of his scarce hope in it. There were many times when I reached out and called into the darkness. I could have let go. But since his friendship maintenance module is very, very broken and I know it (I apportion a large share of the blame for the initial damage to the US Army), I do this frantic jig around the safe parameters of stretching his limits and the safe parameters of stretching mine. Each time he delays, he stretches me a little. Each time I insist, I stretch him.

I know that if I did go with his maintenance schedule willingly and without a fight, he would be hurt beyond all belief. Somewhere along the line our friendship became a vocation that I pour myself endlessly into. He rebuilt me step by step. Can I do less for him?

I really want to meet the person who taught him to believe that to be strong, he had to pretend he didn't care.
azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)
Via [ profile] theferrett, with attention to [ profile] sithjawa: Iraqi Invasion: A Text Misadventure

[ profile] trdsf has created Superdickery: Superman, really being a dick! Some of the cover scans are very, very out-there. Goodness.

Wednesday on the bus some random guy who was about 2 hours out of the Big House complimented me on the cape. At length. Social weirdness forgiven under the circumstances, because this is Arizona and it seems like everybody knows somebody who's been in for something, and it's quite evidently a different culture in there, and he'd been in for a while. So culture shock, a little.

The dude pointed out that there are a lot of people who would like to wear a screaming pink velvet cloak around. It's just that not very many people have the balls to do so. And he commended me for having the balls to do so. And on the one hand, courage and life compliments from someone who has made a mistake serious enough to get caught and locked up for it may be worth taking with a grain of salt, but it was an honest compliment, and I really did make his day. That was some genuine honest-to-Eris happiness that entered his life, not something based on the whatever-it-was at the bottom of his buddy's shopping bag that they were engaged in piling stuff on top of so that it wouldn't be easily seen should they encounter some of the Law for whatever reason.

I have temporary wheels for the next ten weeks or so. I was not at all expecting this, and so I got the Finance Crunch that happens when paying 2 1/2 months of insurance payments without preparation. I can and will muddle through somehow, but I will probably Grumble to myself (and perhaps bystanders). I'll try to cut & warn if I do so on here.

Wheels. )

I could have declined the offer, and she could have found someone else to carsit, but I had a nagging feeling that I'd need wheels, and the nagging feeling only intensified after a few of the things that have been popping up to stress me out.

There's nothing even close to definite yet, just a vague stirring and a determination, but I have fallen in love with San Francisco and fallen in love hard. It would be really nice if I could move to the Bay Area at some point during the next few years. Figuring out how to make that one work will be my next trick. The Figment asked me what was tying me to Phoenix. We'll see what.

It came up in conversation, so I explained to [ profile] trystan_laryssa the difference between the Wished-For Relationship and the Forever Relationship with Darkside.

I hold as possible the thought that I could form a primary romantic relationship with someone who is not Darkside. Stop laughing. I could. There are certain requirements, and some things are non-negotiable. )
azurelunatic: Cordless phone showing a heart.  (phone)
1) if you were to write a recipe for True and Lasting Friendship, what would it be? what "optional seasonings" do you prefer in your own?
1 large block solid trust, layered with liking, shared experience, and accumulated knowledge of the Other. I prefer mine with shared interests and a hint of potential romance, either active or latent.

More questions, temporarily squinched formatting, my answers. Fun childhood anecdotes! General life philosophy! )
azurelunatic: Animated woman's gloved hand dripping with her own blood.  (bleeding)
Figment came up with a brilliant idea: Darkside lights up when he sees me (verified by mutual friends), and I light up when I see Darkside, and it typically takes anywhere from ten minutes to an hour and a half for us to extract ourselves from conversation with each other when we do have to stop, so clearly, Darkside and I should see each other more often. He offered the services of himself, his car, and his free time on Monday evenings after Darkside gets off work. So, should Darkside deign to accept this offer of his (and that's a very big "should"), I would be seeing him at least semi-regularly.

The topic, of course, brought all my fears and uncertainties pouring out in an unstoppable flood of words and tears.

Read more... )


azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)
Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺

October 2017

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