Things Azz is not allowed to do as a virtual minion (part 4)

[azurelunatic]

Part 3

This is through early July. So it's not actually even recent. Again, not all of these were prompted by me, and many of them were not actual orders. I don't know Skippy but one of my friends does.

81. Yelling at spellcheck is an honorable hobby.
82. As hilarious as "gone to clown college to become a stripper" is for misbehaving equipment, it is not safe for work. "Gone to be a lumberjack" might be, if it didn't involve introducing co-workers to the lumberjack sketch...
83. The good part to swearing in Chicken at work is that nobody's going to understand the words, just the tone of voice. The bad part is, now I am the lunatic making chicken noises at work.
84. No matter what language, swearing at work is best done behind closed doors. An office will do; if you don't have your own, perhaps a conference room?
85. Not allowed to scare the interns with the "someone has fucked up and is going to die" face.
86. After scaring the interns with the "someone has fucked up and is going to die" face, must explain that it wasn't their fuckup and they're not the ones who are going to die.
87. "Weedlord Bonerhitler" is not a name that should be used for any example users anywhere.
88. A broom is not a viable substitute for a pitchfork when forming a mob.
89. Not allowed to form pitchfork-wielding mobs in the workplace, no matter how much another department has displeased.
90. Should not file help tickets entitled "--if this goes on--"
91. Not actually the same person as a co-worker with confusingly similar initials.
92. "Gnarly" is not the best word for use in business emails.
93. There is no part of the song "American Pie" that involves a BLEVE, and I should not filk it to include one.
94. Giving baked goods to staff who control certain key infrastructure points is a long and proud tradition that Ethics probably doesn't want to hear about.
95. Should not be sexually harassed at work.
96. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is, as we well know, a serious condition that DOES NOT AFFECT LAPTOPS.
97. The phrase "RAMPANT CUPCAKERY" is the sort of jargon that shouldn't be used in a helpdesk ticket.
98. It's wise to maintain a certain amount of bonding time with the developers of one's least favorite product for every hour spent cursing the product.
99. Not allowed to create meetings in a specific conference room with another conference room as the attendee. (This, thank all relevant gods, was not me. I'm still not allowed to do it.)
100. Cannot have a proper uprising without meetings.
101. Must not provoke the network gods to create "profanity-adjacent" as a prohibited internet category. (The stuff that sounds dirty if you know your history of horrible internet things but actually isn't, like http://tubgoat.com.)
102. Troubleshooting that inspires a manager to say "Stop killing porpoises!" is perhaps enough of that.
103. An inbox full of snakes is actually a pretty disturbing mental image.

Part 5

Comments

[swaldman]

I have a friend who, as 1st-line support, got reprimanded for telling a customer "I hope this works, because otherwise I'm going to have to ask you to call back when you've acquired a chicken and a sharp knife" :-)

[azurelunatic]

Ritual sacrifice of a rotisserie chicken in order to make computer bits right again is entirely on the approved list of activities.

[mmegaera]

I need to keep #88 in mind, and as for #103, I bet Ivan Vorpatril would disagree [g].

[azurelunatic]

It's such a lovely metaphor! It just then requires explaining to one's co-workers.

[cleverthylacine]

Should I blame homestuck for 87?

[azurelunatic]

Actually not directly: this was someone else being relatively constructively obnoxious.

[lacey]

I may be taking #82 and modifying it for my own use >.>

[azurelunatic]

As well you should!

Part 5:

[azurelunatic]

http://azurelunatic.dreamwidth.org/7033461.html