Things Azz is not allowed to do as a virtual minion (part 6)

[azurelunatic]

Part 5

138. Not allowed to declare a zombie emergency at work solely on the basis of having smelled someone's lemon lotion.


139. Should not fishmum all of my co-workers.


140. Just because co-worker 1 and co-worker 2 get along like hydrogen and fire does not mean that I need to bring the gasoline.


141. There is no need to test the fuzzy areas where "gossiping with my industry friend" and "colluding with the competitor" overlap.


142. bikeshed.org is a teaching tool, not a toy.


143. "awesomely cool" does not override "incompetent as fuck" when dealing with external parties.


144. Never, ever, ever piss off my Overlady.


145. My formal job title is "Administrative Assistant II", not "Minion", and I should remember this when introducing myself to the CEO.


146. I have brought my rooster to work. I do not need to bring my vuvuzela.


147. Even though I am capable of explaining things like Foul Bachelorette Frog at work, in entirely work-safe language, does not mean that I should.


148. Not allowed to actually employ a bucket of ice water to immediately stop a bad presentation.


149. I am neither an engineer nor a ninja.


150. Not allowed to schedule meetings in the room people use to pump breast milk.


151. I am allowed to "experience the power of Java", but it is neither mandatory nor recommended.


152. "...would rather go back to pine..." is very strong language.


153. I am allowed to come in to the office after everyone else has left for the evening, but I needn't expect the whole abandoned-office ambience to be anything but creepy.


154. No matter how wrong a random co-worker is on the intranet, I still don't get to punch him. Them. Usually him.


155. Probably should not explain the "motherfucker" pain scale over lunch.


156. When responding curtly to someone who is being Wrong on the Intranet, look up their department and title before hitting send on the four-word curt answer.


157. The amount you loathe the email program is inversely proportional to the amount you should be googleable in relation to that program's name, if you work for the company that makes it.


158. Things which should not be swag at the upcoming event include:
     
     • Friendship bracelets
     
     
     • catapults
     
     
     • trebuchets
     
     
     • marshmallow guns
     
     
     • ...any projectile toy
     
     
     • cowbell (small)
     
     
     • more cowbell (medium and large)
     
     
     • kazoos
     
     
     • vuvuzelas
     
     
     • ...any noisemaker
     
     
     • those little pop-and-jump widgets, which are both noisy and projectiles
     
     
     • improbably shaped stress balls
     
     
     • condoms
     
     
     • lube
     
     
     • lighters
     
     
     • custom-branded chickens
     
     
     • sheep
     
     


159. Promotional lighters send the message: "We think you will have problems at this conference that can be solved with fire."


160. "This thing is on fire" is not a problem that can usually be solved by adding more fire.


161. "I loathe my co-worker" is a problem, but should be solved by HR, not by fire.


162. "Goatse" is not a verb that should be used at work. Especially not with the little hand gestures.


163. Not authorized to be high on Pixi Stix while customer-facing ever again.


164. Not allowed to swear at the developers, even when they did lose some of my data.


165. "Ostensibly" is a word that shouldn't need to be used at work.


166. A request to view someone's code in order to affirm that they have l33t 5killz in it need not be worded as, "Can I see your python?"


167. Shouldn't make fun of any of the co-workers who get automatically assigned usernames with really bad implications.


168. Even if they've been a thorough pain in the ass to their teammates.


169. Should avoid getting entangled in a circular morass of help tickets.


170. Definitely don't get to tell Mr. Bad Username that his teammate could replace him by drinking a second cup of coffee.


171. Not allowed to rent an apartment and not live there for school district fraud purposes.


172. Not allowed to swear at the guy who was suggesting this.


173. Not allowed to decontaminate toxic people at work using weapons and duct tape.


174. Shouldn't use the phrase "How do you schedule a Monday-to-Friday meeting in this monkey-fried system?" when filing a ticket about date confusion in the calendar, because someone might get confused because the meeting I was trying to file was between different days of the week.


175. Also because helpdesk may have heard of Snakes on a Plane too.


176. "Also the previous query, [redacted], except louder, with a dance number and maracas," is an acceptable form of swearing among the team, but should not actually be exposed to helpdesk either.


177. Should not accidentally share the Chocolate Penis Saga with a random co-worker.


178. No trolling the homeopathic users on an internal mailing list.


179. Not allowed to create an environment of sexual harassment accidentally via autocorrect.


180. Never again attempting to schedule something the same day as a major holiday.


181. This includes Halloween, Voting Day, and the release of the latest geek magnet film.


182. "Asks" is never to be used as a noun.


183. Roaring about my mighty godlike powers upon a particularly nice bit of troubleshooting only lasts until the next fucking bug.


184. "Motherfucker" does not belong anywhere in the help ticket or the bug report.


185. Don't fuck up any manager's meeting, even if there are bugs in the calendar.


186. Doubting a dev's veracity to their face when they say something will be fixed quickly is arguably rude. Saying that you'll believe it when you see the code checked in, when forwarding the promise to the angry manager whose meeting you just screwed up, is only human.


187. Chocolate is often a valid form of apology, especially to that manager.

Part 7

Comments

[emceeaich]

Promotional lighters send the message: "We think you will have problems at this conference that can be solved with fire." /me cackles

[azurelunatic]

And then elf suggested condoms, for the safest conference ever.

[vass]

"...would rather go back to pine..." is very strong language.

I still use pine. I'm a sick pervert that way.

[azurelunatic]

The fellow who uttered this statement had been using Outlook for years with no public complaint. Then there was the IT-mandated switch to another item. Complaint ensued.

[silveradept]

My job sometimes requires being a Minion. if it fits, use it.

Pine is a perfectly serviceable email client. Presumably, the alternative is much, much worse to want to go back to it.

Sometimes, fire is the appropriate solution.

[azurelunatic]

I certainly ensured that I would be memorable to the CEO, out of thousands.

[silveradept]

I did something similar in my job...although it was getting up in front of everyone and doing improv with a troupe.

[azurelunatic]

He had been using Outlook for years with no apparent complaint.

[pauamma]

improbably shaped stress balls

Like the ones mentioned in http://blog.sfgate.com/cityinsider/2013/04/22/the-healthy-penis-comes-out-of-retirement/ ?

[azurelunatic]

Among others.

[xenacryst]

I feel like you ought to be working over here. While some of the things on these lists would still remain, several others would be perfectly fine here. Of course, a smaller list wouldn't be as entertaining on Dreamwidth, but the results might be pretty entertaining to coworkers...

[azurelunatic]

Does "over here" have a slot for an administrative assistant with decent wiki-wrangling skills, have some flexible/wfh capacity, and pay a living wage for the Bay Area?

[xenacryst]

Hmm... nothing at the moment with "administrative assistant" in the title, though I wouldn't be at all surprised if such came up at some point. As for wfh, I think it varies by group, but from what I've seen there is at least a fair amount of flextime. Living wage - prolly. I can certainly keep an eye out for you, if you like.

[azurelunatic]

I will see where the conversation with my current workplace goes. I really do love it here, despite the swearing, but the living wage thing and part-time go poorly together.

[azurelunatic]

(rather belatedly)

I had the conversation with them, and I now have more hours. I'm glad of it, though I think working in your company would be fun too!

[amberfox]

So which is the motherfucker pain scale?

[azurelunatic]

It works best if you have a pet AI monitoring your every word.

Figure out what it is that you say when you get hit with pain above background. Have your AI count every time you say it. The total for the day is your score on the "motherfucker" pain scale. Mental pain gets figured in here too.