azurelunatic | (meme from agent139): What Gets Me Out of Bed in the Morning

I may well wind up adhering to the letter of the question, not the spirit, because I'm not used to looking at this section of the underpinnings of my mind.

I am not a solipsist. Not really. I take comfort in the idea of a material universe, which may or may not (but likely does, because enough people believe it) have a "spiritual" extra gajillion of dimensions to it, a la the "Tree of Life". I take comfort in reincarnation, and the idea that a universe that will eventually all convert to energy (I still need to check KL7AM's science for myself) and be reborn, infinitely over, in infinite combination... if that is true, then the million-monkeys model of reincarnation is sound.

When I was a child, I would torture myself by trying to imagine how it would be like to *not think*. To *not feel*. To have no input of either the outside world or the inside world. For that would be what death was: the complete cessation of sensation and thought.

The idea terrified me.

Sometimes, I don't get out of bed in the morning.

Mostly, though, I get out of bed in the morning because I have stuff to do. I have things to write. I have a house to clean. I have things to read. It is doing, not being, that gets me through the day. "Being" ... I can do that from bed, thanks much. Or I could sleep. I like sleep. I need sleep.

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Oh definately.. I think the structuring of my life seems to reveal itself in the form of a film, sometimes modernist, sometimes fantasy, and sometimes anything.. I see foreshadowing and alliteration constantly. It really makes me think, but not too much, because the mental institutions don't want anything to do with me..

So what's the big deal then, eh? It's kind of like catching someone doing something uncharachteristic out of the corner of my eye, or having the screeching maniac on the radio say the same thing as I do coincidentally.. You smile, make a note of it, and move on.

sometimes it bothers me to think that all of this (my internal world) essentially isn't real, neither is the external (as it inflects itself into the internal)- though together they make a really good turkey club.

i think my point was that you don't have an eye to see something uncharacteristic through, except right now- empty philosophy maybe when its words but when you feel it it can scare the fuck out of you. or me, at any rate. still even scarier really is coming entirely into the present, letting go entirely of the past and the future, and embodying that with a recognition that each second is utterly and irretrievably destroyed for the next. hm. i do like turkey clubs...

maybe people who are hellbent on making their internal world 'real,' or to justify it in the world around them, are generally crazy. (hitler?)

i'm not sure. really. about anything- except that i want coffee right now. and i have coffee to make. so i am going to put the need and the capacity together and ...

All these things have and do drive me crazy sometimes, but not having an eye to see with opens up a whole new realm of possibilities. If your world is shaped by you and everything you see and experience is filtered through yourself, nothing is actually real, so you can create your reality in a sense. Not getting all cosmic or anything, but if you identify yourself with preservering through the muck, there will always be muck in your way.

I suppose that wasn't cosmic at all, but cosmic muck sure sounds like it would make a good mudpie.

And as I identify myself as a clown, there will always be banana peels on my road of life...

i'm not sure its quite so clear cut.

what we define ourselves as is a product of our experience. if our experience is also a product of our definition...

well its another chicken and egg.

subject and object are ultimately one and the same. if you take away one, the other disappears into thin air.

I know I wouldn't be finding banana peels if I didn't expect them to be there. And if I didn't keep finding them, I might not expect so many...

quite true.

its also easier to avoid taking responsibility for your life in the moment when you've managed to negate it - (which of course makes no judgement on whether or not that negation is valid.)

Ahhh.. but one can also avoid responsibility by being completely incapacitated by the sense of scope of all they must do. I think that's more my schtick..

But the term 'avoiding responsibility' is such a loaded, subjective term. Who cares really.. if you care about something, deal with it, if not, just let it go..

every term is a subjective term, isn't that what we're talkin about?

;) i know i'm being a smartass.

(meme from agent139): What Gets Me Out of Bed in the Morning

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