Weakness

[azurelunatic]

An interesting thought, that my weakest point could be my love for Darkside. I really don't know what to think about that.

It's a vulnerability, yes; a place where anyone who wishes to hurt me could try and attack.


I always think of weaknesses, though, as being things that you can try and work on, try and fix. I don't see myself as "fixing" my attachment to Darkside.

I know that if he were to irrevokably go away -- if he were to die tomorrow -- I would survive. It's so much not like Shawn. Shawn's near-death took a lot out of me; I don't think I would have done at all well if Shawn had managed to get killed while under my care.

That's the distinction, I think. Darkside's not "under my care". I'm not responsible for him, nor is he responsible for me. He trusts that I'll be responsible for myself, and I know he's responsible for himself. Not that he doesn't take care of me when he sees something that he could do for me; I do the same for him, if I see something that I could help with... but we're adults. We don't need each other for base-level survival.


Mind-level survival, on the other hand...

Leaving aside any questionable forms of mystical connection, which are only open to debate if you're not involved enough to Know whether they're there or not, he and I are both very lonely when we don't have someone close that we can talk to on a regular basis and confide in. Wonderful as it is, LJ does not fill that need. Conversing with several people on LJ does fill that need, or come closer to filling it, but as they and I have differing schedules and differing IRL locations, this is suboptimal. Both Darkside and I need real-life friends who are emotionally and physically close.

I always have a friend like this. I always have someone I'm in love with. Darkside is a good combination of the two, and is one of the safest people I could love: he'd never harm me. Never.


I've been in love with somebody, constantly, since I was 5 or 6. That's when I started husband-hunting. I started out with kid-crushes, moved up to Unrequited Love on the Completely Disinterested, progressed to Unrequited Love on the Really Bad Friends to Have, with the occasional Unrequited Love for Good Friends Who Really Think Of You As An Amusing Kid Sister, then moved on to Requited Love for Someone Who Should Stay As Far Away As Possible From You If You Know What's Good For You. Unrequited Love for a Best Friend Who Would Never Do You Harm is an excellent choice, given that history. Especially good, given that Unrequited Love on Really Bad Friends to Have can turn so quickly to Requited Lust... may I present Shawnyel? Idiots.

I'm not worried about how deeply in love with him I am. This is a normal level of intensity for me. I would be worried about me if I were unable to be head-over-heels in love with someone.


I actually think of my feelings for Darkside as a pretty good patch on what has in the past been a terrible weakness. By loving him, and trusting him as I do, I am not free to fall head-over-heels for someone who will take advantage of my adoration. Furthermore, he watches my back, just as I guard him...

So no. I don't consider that a weakness.

Comments

[n3m3sis42.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm... would you do possibly rash or foolish things to protect him if you thought he was severely threatened? The reason I ask is that there's at least one person in my life for whom I have that sort of protective love, and that might actually, to me, be a weakness, because if someone knew that, they could use it to trick me into doing things I wouldn't otherwise normally do. I'm not sure if that's a vulnerability or a weakness, or if it's the same thing at that point.

[amberite.livejournal.com]

Ask Nali about her "Perfect Man" . . .

[lasayla.livejournal.com]

As one of the people who listed Darkside as your weakness, I'm gonna try and define further what I meant.

Partially, I did just mean weakness as an angle at which you could be attacked. Like "the knees, go for the knees!"

In terms of fixing things, I don't think the implication was that you should be scaling down the bond you have with Darkside, but scaling up the bonds you have with others in order to equal that bond, or at least come closer.

I suspect that if you only kept a common or garden journal I wouldn't be mentioning this at all, but because you have such a gift for emotional mapping and so many posts where you say 'just don't talk to me when I'm like this... unless you're Darkside' that a strength also becomes a potential weakness because it's easy to see what a body blow it would be to you if anything were to happen to him or to the bond between you.

Or maybe it's only the fact that I've got Darkside to compare them to that makes the other bonds seem weak in comparison?

Does that make sense?

[dragontdc.livejournal.com]

Loving your friend is the best way to start. I've been married to my best friend for the last 6, almost 7, years now. Love fades or changes, lust is transitory, but friendship is always there. It's good to know that you can tell your partner what to go do with themselves without worrying that they'll leave, because you're too good of friends to let a little spat break things up.

[azurelunatic]

I think it's the comparison.

And, I think LJ was having one of its 'moments' if you posted the answers...

[azurelunatic]

And, rationally, ralmathon and iroshi are capable of talking to me when I'm like that; there are some others too; they're just not the ones I think of who I know could talk to me, if I were in one of those moods.

[azurelunatic]

My head defines vulnerability and weakness differently. Vulnerabililty is a place where you are open to attack. Weakness is a place where you are open to attack that you should be capable of making stronger.

There's not very much that I could do that I should do to make that point stronger.

Yes, if he were in danger, I could do some things that I might not normally do, but not much more so than I'd do for votania or Little Fayoumis or another family member.

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

I always think of weaknesses, though, as being things that you can try and work on, try and fix. I don't see myself as "fixing" my attachment to Darkside.

Ah, but weakness /= flaw. Flaws are things you try to fix. Weaknesses are just places that you fix if they *need* fixing, and otherwise protect if they are integrel to the way the unit is made. Every unit has its weakest point. The best forged sword in the world will have its weakEST point, the way in which you attempt *not* to hit another blade with it, because that is the angle at which it is most likely to shatter. That doesn't make it a *flaw*.

Is my love for, my connection to, and my NEED for Chris a weakness? Certainly, in that in a true battle, threats against him could be used against me. That's a weakness. Any true analysis of my strengths and weaknesses *have* to include that.

Personally, I don't think that's your greatEST weakness. I'm not about to broadcast what I think are you greatest weaknesses in a public journal, either. But certainly yes, it is A weakness. Your dependence on him is a little too great and you could do with some strengthening of your own grounding capabilities, but you know that already, and you're working on it.

But no, your LOVE FOR him is not anywhere near your greatest weakness. But yes, it's A weakness. It's also one of your greatEST strengths, though, which in my opinion more than outweighs the small weakness points it creates.

[azurelunatic]

I think I shall.

[azurelunatic]

Exactly.

[azurelunatic]

Thanks.

I've kept this comment in my inbox for a long time, because it's something I need to re-read...

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

It's been there so long I didn't realize *I* wrote it, until I got to the point about Chris.