azurelunatic | Third parents (crossposted)

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Third parents (crossposted)

Does anyone have any tips/tricks/ways of easing the introduction of a third parent into a viable two-parent household?

votania and I have lived together for almost two years now, since April 2001. She has a son, who was four when we moved in together. His biological father has been conspicuous by his absence since before his birth. Votania, Little Fayoumis, and I had a somewhat rough period of settling in, but everything has run relatively smoothly after that.

votania is now in a relationship with her old friend

marxdarx, who has been living with us off and on for over a year, but has now moved in for good. She and he are currently beginning to co-parent.

Little Fayoumis is having a difficult time adjusting to this. We all are. Tensions were rising dangerously for a while; we've got somewhat better organized communications now, but it's still difficult.

In summary, all of us are having some difficulty adjusting to

marxdarx being a co-parent rather than just a roommate or a houseguest. Does anyone have suggestions, tips to try or to avoid, encouraging stories of how they survived, anything?

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Not having been on the parent-side, but rather the kid-side of this equation, all I can say is do some research into step parenting. That advice will most closely match your situation.

Most most most MOST important... CONSISTENCY. Whether it's you,

votania or

marxdarx... discipline and rules and parenting should be consistent. LF will adjust... kids always do.

Thanks.

We're trying.

We're also figuring out the pecking order, and clarifying it to Little Fayoumis. It was a real "Oh, wow" moment for him when I asked him whether he should be more good for Mommy than for Marx, or good for Mommy and Marx the same. He picked "more good for Mommy", and he came to a Realization (the, "Oh, so that's why they've been grumpy when I've been not so good for Marx" moment) when I pointed out that when Mommy had said that she and Marx had equal authority now, it meant that he should behave himself the same way for them.

Good topic.... Sitting here with

fimbrethil and we saw your post. Having come into a similar position over the last few months there are several things to consider.

1. Are

votania and

marxdarx of similar parenting styles? If not they need to come to a middle ground on how they expect to deal with the Lil'un. If there is a disagreement after an incident it should be discussed after the incident and OUT of the lil'un's earshot. Otherwise the lil'un learns to split each adult against the other.

2.

marxdarx should be afforded small opportunities to develop his parenting skills. Playdates outside of

votania's line of sight but not out of earshot allow Marxdarx and the lil'un to feel each other out while providing a feeling of safety and security for all concerned.

3. Time. This takes time.

I agree with everything

hlw said. I would add that it is possible to allow different co-parents to have slightly different rules, if you agree on the basics. For instance, kids are quite capable of understanding that one co-parent is more tolerant of noise than another or that they can eat TV dinners when A is in charge but need to sit at the table when B is in charge. It is important, though, that you are clear as to which co-parent is in charge at any given time, and present a united front on matters of principle (no lying, no hitting, no bullying) and use a similar system of discipline (most people can cope with imposing a time out even if they wouldn't feel comfortable imposing anything more serious; it may be worth discussing how many warnings to give before imposing it, but cut each other some slack to abbreviate the procedure in particularly bad cases or when feeling particularly fragile).

I would also advise that you concentrate on how Little Fayoumis behaves and not on how he views his relationship with

marxdarx. For instance, I tend to see

djm4 as a co-parent, but my eldest son sees him more as a friend. Our line on that is "As long as you do what he says, it's up to you what you call the relationship".

It's the transition from "playmate I don't have to listen to" to "someone I must obey" that's taking the longest; there's a relatively unified parenting system in place, and we're trying to work together about that... it's going to take lots of time.

The issue has been not doing what he says.

For whatever reason, I seem to be the one who gets the best results at getting him to do what I say in a timely manner with a minimum of fuss/muss.

Myself, I suspect it may be a matter of follow-up. I ask that something be done, and I keep an eye out, and if it's not done within the next (reasonable length of time), I require that it be done, and then if it's not done near-unto-immediately, then consequences follow.

Marx has the attention span from hell, and Little Fayoumis isn't used to needing to do stuff anyway when there isn't someone immediately following up and seeing if it's done. Since I do that, and he knows I do that, he does it very quickly for me, since he really doesn't want or need the consequences he knows he's going to get from me.

It also took LF quite a while to adjust to doing things Right Away for me. I suspect it'll take a little longer...

Hiyas...
I'm adding my two cents worth from having been a step-parent and being a bio parent, ok?

Polyness aside: Communication is the key to good co-parenting!! (just like everything else!)

I would suggest a gradual 'break in' time for the discipline from the new parent. Only when the other parents are not around, at first, should the new guy attempt to deal with it, otherwise (unless it's like something mean or harmful or dangerous, of course) let them develop their relationship without the added onus of having to Parent, as well. Discuss and enforce house rules and disciplining techniques. Find out what all the adults consider reasonable rules and make sure you all can abide by them. I'm laid back and my husband isn't, but the kids are used to certain freedoms, so we don't curtail them to fit his structure. We do however, back each other up in regards to everything, and I don't let them slide just because he's currently away because of work.

Kids are very adaptable, but when you add in yet another adult to the mixture, it makes it hard all around. I went through this when my kids were 9 and 6. My sister and her boyfriend, plus my boyfriend (now husband) and myself all had differing views. Bottom line was and is, they are *my* kids. When we got married, the relationship structures changed, and we reverted back to Mom has Charge rule, because it was something they needed. When problems arise, deal with them in calm manner to resolve.

Do look into step-family counseling or classes. I learned a great deal from the ones I attended and I think it opened my eyes to how my kids were feeling. It also helps give you some structure and guidelines on how to help things work out the best for the child.
Good luck and Blessings!
Storm

Right. In that case I might want to look into why Marx's attention span is too short to follow up. Is it that he generally has a poor attention span, and if so, are there techniques that he could use to remind himself to check back, such as leaving post-it notes around or setting an alarm on a PDA or whatever? Or does he have a good enough attention span for things that really matter to him, and is it that some of the rules he's enforcing don't really matter to him, in which case perhaps either you need parent-specific rules, or there needs to be a renegotiation of rules on a household-wide basis?

He enforces what's important to him. These are new rules for him to be enforcing, though, due to the change in the dynamics; he will get more used to it after time, and Little Fayoumis will get more used to having Marx be in a position of parental authority.

His attention span is his attention span, and I can understand it and sympathize; it's something that'll have to be worked around.

I'm actually the only poly one; figured I'd ask about this on poly as that's a group inclined to have experience with this sort of thing...

He's going to have to decide: if he's willing to enforce it, then it's a rule. If he's not willing to enforce it, it's a request.

Also, your lil'un probably has little to no idea what "enforcement" means from marx. He may or may not be testing him to find out but circumvent this problem by telling lil'un HOW Marx enforces his rules on a step-by-step plan.

Mostly, all of yall need to agree on rule-making, enforcement and how to back each other up.

More than anything, patience. This takes a whiel to get it together. Consider Lil'uns POV: this guy may have been a nice visitor occasionally but his sudden change in status may not seem very serious: who knows if he'll stay? Why should a child pay serious attention to an adult who might disappear in a few months?

Patience... you'll all get it right soon enough.

I'm polyamorous as well and I have a feeling that I'll be facing some similar issues as my daughter, Miranda, gets older. My husband and I are her primary parents, but I want my boyfriend to have a parental role with her as well. There's also the possibility of other serious relationships in the future. I'm glad you posted this, it's got me thinking about it again and I think I need to talk with my partners about it.

I found you through the Hip Mama community and added you to my friends list, I hope you don't mind.

In this case, I'm the only poly one, and my roommates are not dating me, but I figured it would be something that poly people would have input about more than just about anybody else...

And welcome to the insanity that is my journal.

I think it just takes time.
I agree that consitancy is key to these kinds of things. Maybe ( i don't know how old he is??) sit lil boy down and talk to him - 'This is how things have changed, and why. how do you feel about these changes? This is what the rules are now, who you go to for guidence, questions, help, etc."
Maybe him being able to put in his 2 cents on things will help releive tension, at least for him, and let you all know exacly where he is coming from.
Some old friends of mine did this for a while. Its adjustment, but so is everything else in life...
hope it all works out for you.

We're dealing a little better at the moment. He's testing the boundaries with his mom and

marxdarx at the moment; he's still new, and she's not around enough to enforce his good behaviour all the time, so he thinks he can get away with everything he can't get away with when I'm around. They're slowly but surely proving him wrong.

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