Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-06-07 01:32 am
azurelunatic) wrote2003-06-07 01:32 am
Words, wounds.
"He is my open wound."
The thoughts got stirred up again. I'm reading the past, and circumstances made it so that I thought of it again.
I was weak, though I was Strength, and he healed me, and brought me back to ownership of myself. For the longest time, I thought of him as stronger than I am. (He said, Thursday, that he and I were actually fairly evenly matched, strengthwise, he just knew a few more dirty tricks; we were about the same strength unless I'd been working out some. Which I had.) Now that I have gained myself back, I see how he has weaknesses, and they cry out to me.
There were other words, too, about how it is when a woman is so used to being shoved around and treated poorly if she does not treat her man like an absolute god even when he does not deserve it, and if she does not treat herself like dirt in his service. It feels wonderful and bizarre to be free of that...
I used to feel odd, and wrong, when I called out Darkside for his actual errors. I felt as if I should never correct him when he was wrong if I truly loved him. I felt horrible for sometimes having bad days and showing myself to him when I was less than perfect. "I'm sorry," I'd say. Sorry for inflicting myself upon you, sorry for being bothered when you say things, sorry for being so weak and horrible, sorry for interrupting your good day, sorry for bringing sorrow into your presence, sorry for loving you, sorry for --
"Sorry for what? Sorry for being human?" he'd say, more often than not reaching out, making a contact, whether hand to hand, hand to face, or merely mind to mind.
Miserably, I'd nod.
And he'd hold me. He's human too. And he ruthlessly showed me that.
The thoughts got stirred up again. I'm reading the past, and circumstances made it so that I thought of it again.
I was weak, though I was Strength, and he healed me, and brought me back to ownership of myself. For the longest time, I thought of him as stronger than I am. (He said, Thursday, that he and I were actually fairly evenly matched, strengthwise, he just knew a few more dirty tricks; we were about the same strength unless I'd been working out some. Which I had.) Now that I have gained myself back, I see how he has weaknesses, and they cry out to me.
There were other words, too, about how it is when a woman is so used to being shoved around and treated poorly if she does not treat her man like an absolute god even when he does not deserve it, and if she does not treat herself like dirt in his service. It feels wonderful and bizarre to be free of that...
I used to feel odd, and wrong, when I called out Darkside for his actual errors. I felt as if I should never correct him when he was wrong if I truly loved him. I felt horrible for sometimes having bad days and showing myself to him when I was less than perfect. "I'm sorry," I'd say. Sorry for inflicting myself upon you, sorry for being bothered when you say things, sorry for being so weak and horrible, sorry for interrupting your good day, sorry for bringing sorrow into your presence, sorry for loving you, sorry for --
"Sorry for what? Sorry for being human?" he'd say, more often than not reaching out, making a contact, whether hand to hand, hand to face, or merely mind to mind.
Miserably, I'd nod.
And he'd hold me. He's human too. And he ruthlessly showed me that.