Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-06-27 01:07 am
azurelunatic) wrote2003-06-27 01:07 am
Am now able to point finger on it.
The thing tonight when I called my priestess-confessor was what I fear every time I go to call her. The phone rang and rang and rang and rang, and then when I tried again, it was the voicemail. I left a none-too-coherent message. When I need to talk to somebody, I need to talk to somebody now. It takes a lot to get me to call, and when I am calling, I need to know that I will be able to connect to someone. If I am assured that someone will be there, someone will pick up the phone and give it to the person it's supposed to go to, I still fear that sometime when it's critical, no one will be there.
...The reason I fear this so deeply is because one time when it was critical, I called almost everyone I had to talk to, and no one was there. I had almost given up hope when River answered the phone. I am glad he did. I am glad I am here writing this.
Some people fear calling when they know someone will pick up the phone. I fear calling when someone should pick up the phone, but doesn't... I will cling to the illusion that if I had called, someone would have been there, and keep that illusion by not calling for as long as I can. I'm used to leaving messages for Darkside, and I'm used to him calling back if it's critical, because he knows my voice, and his parents know my voice, and I so rarely request that he please please definitely call back; I usually invite that he could call back if he so pleased.
It's a fear of abandonment. If I put my trust in people, then they could fail me at a critical moment. They could leave. That's not good for someone who outsources bits of her sanity...
So I left a message, and waited until I knew Darkside would be home. I called, then, and conveyed to my beloved best friend that I was in the middle of a happy fun panic attack...
...The reason I fear this so deeply is because one time when it was critical, I called almost everyone I had to talk to, and no one was there. I had almost given up hope when River answered the phone. I am glad he did. I am glad I am here writing this.
Some people fear calling when they know someone will pick up the phone. I fear calling when someone should pick up the phone, but doesn't... I will cling to the illusion that if I had called, someone would have been there, and keep that illusion by not calling for as long as I can. I'm used to leaving messages for Darkside, and I'm used to him calling back if it's critical, because he knows my voice, and his parents know my voice, and I so rarely request that he please please definitely call back; I usually invite that he could call back if he so pleased.
It's a fear of abandonment. If I put my trust in people, then they could fail me at a critical moment. They could leave. That's not good for someone who outsources bits of her sanity...
So I left a message, and waited until I knew Darkside would be home. I called, then, and conveyed to my beloved best friend that I was in the middle of a happy fun panic attack...
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We're getting a landline soon, and I will give you that number, and /my/ cell phone number is here and you are free to call it, although I do leave it off sometimes when I shouldn't.
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And of course I wouldn't think to call *you* to reach her, because you're not her. Even though you're in the same household.