On that note...

[azurelunatic]

Expressed my frustration with being viewed, commonly, as completely fucking insane.

When I'm in default me-mode, I don't tend to think overmuch about what people are going to think of the way I look, talk, act. I'm just me, you know? I dress the way I want to. I use the words I want to. But when I'm out in public, especially in a nice large city, people are apt to think that it falls within their job description to say things to me.

You bitches thought it was funny to say things along the lines of, "Shake it, mamacita!" to the fat lady, eh? Had I been 15, with the attitude I have now, I probably would have rearranged your face. Sad that I'm an adult and would be prosecuted as such now...

People comment on my hat relatively often. I would guess that about half are being sincere in saying that it's a nice hat, and they like it. The other half, the hollered "Nice hat!" from cars, in male voices... more candidates for unprofessional plastic surgery.

Their opinions don't matter to me. That they think I am an acceptable target for their rudeness and self-loathing and insecurity does bother me. I can't smash all of them in the face with a hammer. I would probably be appalled with myself if I seriously entertained that thought for more than a few minutes.

I don't belong here. Sure, I can pass. I can wear slacks and nice shirts and lose the hat and put on makeup. I look good like that; even I think I look good like that. But when I'm just-me, when I've got the jeans and the default shirt and the hat to keep the goddamn sun out of my face, if I'm slouching and not made up, if my hair's looped back in a ponytail to keep it out of my way, if I don't bother to keep a masklike expression on my face, if I walk and ride the bus rather than beg a ride from someone who's got a car... then I'm just another street madwoman, and fair game to be taunted and "Do you see that hat she's wearing? Tee-hee-hee-hee!" discussed, with intent to be overheard.

I am who I am. I'm beautiful when I try to be, or when I'm happy. I'm brilliant and articulate. And, in person, I'm antisocial, I avoid groups, I rarely return favors or intimacy, and many people who I'm sure would love to be friends with me get rebuffed without me really knowing that I'm pushing them away.

I'm the Lunatic. And I hate to be called insane...

Comments

[grifyn.livejournal.com]

I hope I did not say anything untoward while we were chatting?

The things you describe are the very ones that have kept me virtually housebound for several weeks... okay, months. People who want to tell me, while I'm out and clearly walking for the sake of exercise, that I need to exercise. What did you think I was doing, asshole?

[wibbble]

People are morons.

*hugs*

[azurelunatic]

Nope, not you.

LJ is pretty much a 'safe zone' for me, which is why all this comes out here...

I'm just passive-aggressive enough to filter most people who I complain about out of most of the complaints about them. But then, there are exceptions, like my public posts regarding weirdlings...

[azurelunatic]

They sure are.

Thanks.

*hugs*

[mindylee2.livejournal.com]

Mean people suck. I love your I don't give a damn attitude. Wish I could addopt it. You are beautiful with or without the get up. Its what you are inside. I know thats a line, but its one that I truly believe.
By the way I have been wanting to tell you since I found your journal, you are a wonderful writer. You just seem to have a way with words.

[raaven.livejournal.com]

One day all of those sad, rude, silly little people will wake up and realize that they aren't the gifts to the world they'd like to think they are. Right after that, they'll realize that they aren't even interesting.

That day (and every day, I hope) you will walk where you will, in whatever clothes you choose, and be happy that you're strong and interesting enough to be you.

That goes for you, too, grifyn!

[easalle.livejournal.com]

And that is why...... *magic spin* We hate the normals! But we loooove to make them stare. They haven't the balls/ovaries to walk about without their clone-like costumes and gooey faces dripping in the AZ heat. Wait till those 15 year old brats have dropped a couple kids, and their tits, and gained a couple pounds. Weepy weep weep. :P As for the shouted compliments, take them as you would any compliment. A big ol' wave smile and thank you, sometimes a hug is permissable as well.

[amberite.livejournal.com]

Is major difference between "crazy" and "insane", or, as I prefer, three different categories: "crazy", "having a mental illness", and "mentally ill." Remember my recent post about people who have mental illnesses vs. people who are mentally ill? I suppose crazy/insane is like that, though I don't usually use those words.

I think of "crazy" as meaning chaotic-brained (which I always am) "mental illness" as chemical imbalance (which I sometimes have), and "mentally ill" as allowing a chemical imbalance to take over one's life (which I generally do not, and you don't either.)

[azurelunatic]

Thanks. I've been honing the writing for a good twelve years now. I started my first journal-for-me the day the Gulf War started.

[azurelunatic]

I can see that this is another topic for Darkside to hammer my brain about...

[azurelunatic]

Sadly, there are issues that prevent me from accepting those compliments.

I take pleasure, though, in the fact that I'm more lovely with simply brushed hair and a touch of lipstick than most of the wannabes are after two hours in front of the mirror with makeup and a trowel.

[azurelunatic]

Depression, et cetera, takes over more of my life than I'm generally willing to admit here.

The only person I've found so far who calls me on it, who I'll accept that from, is ... not entirely in the picture right now.

I'm upset with myself.