Tired Blondie means pouting Loony; rambling about my Romantic Quest as sparked by V's grilling

[azurelunatic]

My timing for calling Darkside today was abysmal: I wound up talking to him about a grand total of five minutes, which was a bit long for his state of exhaustion (I don't think he entirely processed the perky and delighted tale of my potential promotion in duties) and a bit short for our mutual decompression. We'll have to do better next week, then, and work out a game plan for a new schedule if that's what happens.

V came over to drop off her laptop (she'd forgotten she'd not brought it back in here before she went home last night) and we went off to Fry's Electronics to return the shredder she'd gotten as an un-appreciated gift. She grilled me on my intentions towards Darkside, and how, exactly, that was supposed to work out, what with the matter of my patience, what the man's got that I want, and what exactly is keeping me from waiting forever and all.

My undermind's got a game plan, actually, and it's not sharing all of it with me. Part of it is my year. I'm finding that a year without forming new romantic bonds and not stretching existing romantic-type bonds any further than they are already, and even having some things time out, is doing wonders for my mental clarity. A very large part of it is that I'm poly, and while I'm not making any new romantic connections, I'm always collecting friends, and it's an automatic thing: every time I meet a new friend, I assess their potential compatibility with me, even if I'm not actively looking.

I know when there is the potential for things to develop more, and when I know someone enough and don't need to know them any deeper than I already do. When I know someone well enough already, and I try to get closer to them anyway, I do so at peril to both of us; I am at risk of violating -- no, I am violating -- my minister's oath to do the right thing. Most of the people I know, I either know them well enough and know that I shouldn't know them further, or I know them well enough, and while there's no danger in knowing them better, I have no drive to know more -- I will accept further knowledge if it comes of its own accord, but I won't seek it out either. There are precious few people who consistently make me feel secure enough to keep sharing of myself and learnng of them, in a non-professional context. When I first get to know someone, I'll be in a rush to get to know them, and share with them, and learn about them -- and then, sometimes without warning, I'll stop. I'll know them enough. That's how I work. With some friends, it slows down, but never entirely stops. Those friends are the ones who I know there is potential for something more.

If it's stopped, I know that anything more than friendship will never happen, not unless something jump-starts the "getting to know you" process again. If it's tapered off, that makes things that much less likely. There are so very few people out there, of all those I know, where I have that same level of affection, trust, desire for company, committment, and curiousity. (It's also a longer list than I'd think, those people who have companionable levels of same in my system.)

As long as I haven't given up on Darkside, I'll wait. While I'm waiting, I'm still not dead. If someone would make a good mate, they'll make a good friend. I'll never again make the mistake of attempting to make a mate of someone who wasn't a good friend. Not all good friends will make good mates, but a bad friend will never make a good mate. I can't expect anyone to immediately outrank the history that Darkside and I have, but I do know that if anyone's ever going to challenge Darkside's place as senior bondmate, they're going to have to build up an equal or greater history of trust and compatibility. I'm poly. I can allow others to build up affection and trust without having my bond with Darkside threatened.

In Lackey's Last Herald-Mage series, there was commentary near the end about not turning away smaller, humbler blazes after warming one's self at a large and glorious fire of some sort, as a neatly footnoted analogy to not turning away friendship and lesser loves after surviving the absence of a Great Love. The difficulty with people lecturing me on that topic is that I'm not turning away lesser loves. What I'm doing is not making the mistake of lying to myself and attempting to convince myself that a lesser love is a Great Love.

Comments

[bekijane.livejournal.com]

Lesser loves can be just as satifying as great loves as long as it's not a "settle for because there's nothing better". What worries me is what would happen if a great love came along and blew all the lesser loves away in a great whoosh of NRE. I wouldn't want to loose any of my mates and friends but great loves have a habit of doing that.

I'm like you. Almost back on even keel.

[azurelunatic]

The distinction is this: I'm accepting the friendship and lesser loves; I'm very happy with them. However, all the "good advice" from people who are sick of hearing me natter on about Darkside seems to amount to "Give up on the twat; take one of the lesser loves and be grateful and shut your gob." And, nope, shan't. Lesser love != greater love, and shall never; and I'm not looking for a lesser love at this point.

To use a food analogy: I'm doing perfectly well on plain homemade bread, stew, and garden lettuce. What I'm looking for is a perfect fine chocolate, and I'm getting criticized for turning my nose up at a Snickers bar. But I don't want a Snickers bar. What I want is fine chocolate. It's not as if I'm starving. If I were starving, it wouldn't make sense to turn up my nose at anything. But I'm not. I just want some goddamn good chocolate.

[azurelunatic]

In this case, it's a case of well-meaning associates counseling me to try and shove a lesser love into a Primary's slot.

I've learned to be very careful with NRE. Very. I got burned very badly. Can we say NRE with an untrustworthy asshat that blew one of the best relationships I've ever been in out of the water?

I am fortunate to have run into my senior bondmate, who undid a lot of damage that assorted twitbrains in the past have inflicted. It's because I don't trust myself around NRE that I've employed him as a sanity check to run all my relationships past. It scares people that they'll have to be run past a sanity check, hm...

Also, lower comment general bitching about the situation as it currently is with nagging.

[bekijane.livejournal.com]

From bitter experience I say you're right. Even if the fine chocolate turns out to be not what you expected (as happened in my case) the only way to be sure it isn't what you wanted is to go through the relationship and come out the other side. Until then, poly or not, your heart's not open to new great loves, and settling for a lesser love will only bring heartache.

Been there, done that, still dealing with the fallout.

[azurelunatic]

Even with the advertised to be finest chocolates, you still try a sample before buying a whole box. *nods sagely*

But when you've had an assortment of chocolate over the past four years or so ranging from that dreadful waxy stuff that they pass off as really bad chocolate, to standard candy bar chocolate, to reasonably decent chocolate, but someone's been waving this chocolate under your nose that smells so good, and they've let you try a crumb or two, and your chickfriend who has similar taste in chocolates tried some and liked it except for the fact that she was stuck on chocolate with more nuts at the time... then you get really, really, really frustrated.



...mmm, chocolate.

[bekijane.livejournal.com]

Sleep oh lunatic friend. You may not feel better in the morning, but you may at least feel rested :-) I'll send you a virtual de-lux hot choc the way only I can make it, marshmallows and sprinkly flake crumbs, and real cream.

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

You know, if I admire you for nothing else (though I do), I would admire your ability to build analogies. Your analogies are as bright as polished gold in desert sunlight.

And you know my opinion on the situation.

[azurelunatic]

Yes.

Analogies are the useful tool to explain things to people who don't see the same things I do, or can't feel them.

My frustration index is very high, in case you hadn't guessed.

[azurelunatic]

Awake, perky, well-rested, and still frustrated in general about lack of ability to communicate to those who don't understand, but dealing with it.

Hot chocolate is good. Thanks!

[evealone.livejournal.com]

i can gusses since i remember how you two were when i was out there i hope though i was not one of those ones who made a bigger mess for you because that is what i wanted to avoid anmd as for wheather or not to give up on darkside *grins in my normal way* hey i say stick to your guns you two look like a greast couple to me though don't forget that a bite of snickers is good every now and then but the fine chocolate is still there *winks* be good oh one last thing *says* Dark Schneider *laughs evilly*

[azurelunatic]

No, you didn't make things a bigger mess.

And saying "Dark Schneider" doesn't make me screech anymore. Darkside's toughened me up.

[evealone.livejournal.com]

glad to here that on both accounts oh i might ne dropping in for a vist come summer still working out details though

[azurelunatic]

I probably won't be around.