so long ago...

[azurelunatic]

More than a year ago, I moved out of the bachelor apartment from hell into a very clean and quiet place. But before that happened, I called Darkside nearly every night. I'd try to call before nine, but after eight: as soon as he came home from work.

I'd take the cordless and a blanket and my incense and go out to the balcony and watch the curls of lotus smoke rise up into the black sky. Sometimes there was a moon, and stars. I'd sit out there for two sticks of incense, maybe three. I wasn't allowed incense inside the house, though the guys smoked big smelly cigars.

I'd sit there in the flimsy plastic deck chair, rocking back and forth, leaning back as far as the piles of stored stuff would let me, letting his warm voice wrap around my mind. Sometimes we'd talk for hours, he as lonely as I. He would summarize movies and anime I'd never seen to me, and I'd laugh and listen to him, hungry for a friendly voice, as hungry as he. votania and I used to almost fight to see who'd get to talk to him. Even after they started dating, I'd still spend time on the phone with him, lonely, wishing he could be mine, unwilling to betray a sister, but still, wishing...

It was so long ago. I remember the feel of those moments. I can see the balcony now, if I close my eyes when talking to Darkside. That was the only safe place to be. I wouldn't let BJ follow me out there. BJ never hurt me, physically. He didn't try to hurt me, mentally. He just ... did. Somehow.

Darkside was healing, caring.

Now, when I want to talk to Darkside, I hide in my room with the lights off. I don't have to hide if I don't want to. I can wander around the house with the cordless, chattering as I put away the leftovers from dinner, doing dishes, picking up, doing homework. I don't have to devote special time with him away from the rest of the household for my sanity; I do it because I like spending time alone with him on the phone in the dark.

...Does he know how much he does for me?

Comments

I've said it before...

[lionboy.livejournal.com]

I may say it again. Sounds like a wonderful friendship with darkside. I've only had one friend like that and it's... healing. Lonliness had been my only friend up until the time I met her. She was the catalyst that helped me find the courage to reach out to others in my broken circle. I love the images of sitting with the stars, maybe the moon, incence, and the warm voice of a kindred spirit. I wish I had the time to do such things... It's been a while. How have you been? I just wanted to pop by and say hello. I always enjoy reading your musings in Pepper's journal.

Love,
Boy with no taste for sex

Re: I've said it before...

[azurelunatic]

I've mostly been good. Sneezing so hard and getting so much goop I feel like I've got a dick for a nose.

Other than that, I've got a collection of geeks in my living room.

Re: I've said it before...

[lionboy.livejournal.com]

A penis for a nose... Well if my personal penile proliferation spewed suchlike, I would be in deep doo-doo. Very messy for the underoos. Why do you have geeks in your living room? More importantly, why are you collecting them?

Leonine larval implant alpha

Re: I've said it before...

[azurelunatic]

I collect geeks. One of my roommates, Adam, is a geek. I'm a geek-in-training. Adam's friends are geeks. Adam's brother is a geek. They had a Geekboys' Day Out, and since Adam's the only one who's not living with parent(s), Adam's living room was the one chosen for the putting-together project.