Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-03-17 09:59 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2002-03-17 09:59 pm
Alone.
Discovered something very important about myself today.
I fear being left out by my friends.
One of those deep down deadly childhood things you can't do much about. Never had many friends, and I was always the one who rarely got to participate in the friendship things that kids in the US do, from the '80's to the mid-'90's. Any party or sleepover had to be planned what felt like a month in advance with my mother. I didn't go to movies or anything.
I'm sure that had I asked, had I made it known that doing these "normal" things were important to me, that I would have been allowed to participate in them, subject to intensive scrutiny of the people and places and events by my parents. But I never got up the nerve to. And eventually people stopped asking me, because I never wanted to.
But I wanted to.
These days, I'm sure there are things going on. People are having parties, going and seeing movies, hanging out with friends... and I can't go. I have school. I have work. I have responsibilities at home. I have no money. I can't go.
Nobody else seems to let this sort of thing stop them. Adam goes out with friends all the time. Neighbor does. Even Darkside has enough of a social life to make me envious at times.
...But... I've got an apartment. We have a LAN. There are no hard and fast bedrime rules for anyone but Nephew.
So why come the only people who come and visit on a regular basis are the Viking, occasionally Neighbor,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
marxdarx, R, and Adam's friends?
I fear being alone. I fear being excluded. I don't mind leaving myself out of things by my own choice... but I always want that option.
I fear being left out by my friends.
One of those deep down deadly childhood things you can't do much about. Never had many friends, and I was always the one who rarely got to participate in the friendship things that kids in the US do, from the '80's to the mid-'90's. Any party or sleepover had to be planned what felt like a month in advance with my mother. I didn't go to movies or anything.
I'm sure that had I asked, had I made it known that doing these "normal" things were important to me, that I would have been allowed to participate in them, subject to intensive scrutiny of the people and places and events by my parents. But I never got up the nerve to. And eventually people stopped asking me, because I never wanted to.
But I wanted to.
These days, I'm sure there are things going on. People are having parties, going and seeing movies, hanging out with friends... and I can't go. I have school. I have work. I have responsibilities at home. I have no money. I can't go.
Nobody else seems to let this sort of thing stop them. Adam goes out with friends all the time. Neighbor does. Even Darkside has enough of a social life to make me envious at times.
...But... I've got an apartment. We have a LAN. There are no hard and fast bedrime rules for anyone but Nephew.
So why come the only people who come and visit on a regular basis are the Viking, occasionally Neighbor,
marxdarx, R, and Adam's friends? I fear being alone. I fear being excluded. I don't mind leaving myself out of things by my own choice... but I always want that option.