azurelunatic | I shouldn't be this upset.

So my response to the comment was angry and immature. A copy's already been delivered to his overstuffed inbox. I can't go back and delete what I said. I've got every right to be pissed as hell at him; he's got every right to be pissed as hell at me.

I didn't know that something like this would blow up so huge. R. and I have made out before; had sex before. Never was there a reaction like this. I had no idea. If I'd known, it would not have happened. There's no way to undo it.

I feel petty and bratty and I want to lash out with all claws and teeth and make for damn sure Adam's feeling just as bad as I am. That's my response when I get hurt, even if it's in response to me having hurt someone and them hurting me back. And then I want to make it all better, kiss it and make it all better. How do you do that, with someone who won't let you touch them?

I love him. That needs to be the refrain. I love him. I love him. Letting stupid shit like this mess up things would be stupid, morally wrong...

Wait, Neighbor says. Give Adam time.

I didn't think. How fucking many problems in this world would just disappear if people thought about things before they did them?

I need to go pound my head on the wall or something. Darkside's at work, so I can't call him. DC just called... things are worse for her than they are for me. poor dear.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Channel all these gerbils into something more useful? Like writing up your user guide, or better yet, your relationship contract?

If you know the rules, you wouldn't violate them. Most people wouldn't. So therefore you need to establish what your rules are, and what you can figure out of his, and that'll give you something less painful to do with your poor head than beat it on bricks.

You might post a request for relationship contracts to polyamory, although there will always be those who believe that if it's contractual, it's not love. Piffle.

I know this is a good way to get clobbered, but I'm wondering if polyamory is all it's cracked up to be. I mean, ideally, people should get it on with whomever strikes their fancy without bad feelings creeping in. Never have I seen this to happen. People are conglomerates of weird attitudes, vulnerabilities, and attachments. It is often difficult to determine whether an individual will be able to act with grace in the face of sexual competition. I have an open relationship with someone that works only because it has never been tested. I do not ask about her life and she doesn't ask about mine. I do not know any of her other friends. I have no chance to feel jealous, because I have not even allowed myself the opportunity to wonder, because I have almost no information. For myself, I do not see how any other way could work. If I knew any of her other friends, it would not work at all.

Did some of that. Then I discussed things with him. Results were good.

A good point, and certainly valid for you. My first reaction to this comment was Mark Vorkosigan's hostile turtle-hunch, and general grouchiness on the topic.

...I've come to realize that relationships, whether poly or mono, have to deal with the conglomerates of weird attitudes, vulnerabilities, and attachments, of the two people involved. Poly relationships just hit on a different set of the sore spots, with a slightly more complex number of people. (No... I correct myself... that's only if there are imaginary players in a relationship... hee, bad math joke.)

I've had mono relationships with situations just as tragically disasterous. Worse. The key is psychological self-understanding, willingness to make things work... consideration for the partners. Else it'll crash and burn. Communication.

It's just very much harder to logistically arrange around the psychological quirks of more than two people. See the official Illuminatus! breakdown of a conspiracy.

I would say the complexity of the relationship increases exponetially with each added individual, as the number of variables increases for each person. Von Neuman's collapse is the theory referenced in the Illuminati, and yes, I think it applies here. People hold secrets and forget to tell each other things. Worst of all, they will out and out lie. Now, one person alone, as long as they are not psycho- or sociopathic, is somewhat easy to deal with. Or not, I guess, depends on the person, of course. But as you add more folks, the chance of undetected secrecy, deception and lack of self-knowledge shoots through the roof. Statistically, I would say workable polyamoury is very rare and impossible over an extended timeframe. Last proviso: if human behavior makes rapid evolution, throw this out the window.

By the way, I'm not trying to be a crank here. Also, this doesn't mean I don't think polamoury is a noble pursuit. If the bonoboes can do it, why can't we?

I shouldn't be this upset.

Maybe?

no subject

Re: Maybe?

no subject

Ideal Bonobo Group