Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-05-08 10:26 am
azurelunatic) wrote2002-05-08 10:26 am
Breakdown
...again.
Got a few things hashed out with myself. My body allows itself to feel physical attraction for Darkside again, which attraction I sublimate with gentle, friendly violence. (He knows this.)
Attempting to describe the conversation accurately is futile. I ranted and raved at myself in two different sets of handwriting. This doesn't come off so well on the PC; it switches on its own, these days, rather than me being aware of the changeover as I used to be. I used to swap fonts for that.
I bitched at myself and the world in my journal. Darkside read it; I was beyond coherent speech, but not beyond coherent thought. Often, when beyond coherent speech, my voice locks up.
It takes a lot for me to reach out for help. I finally reached towards him, putting my hand down flat on the table. He touched one finger against my hand. ...Always, with someone else, I have a sensation of someone alien to me, a sense of not-me-in-there when there is physical contact. I see why some mages avoid it. With Darkside, though, we have worked together so well and so long, there is the same sense of connection, but not of alien presence. Unusual and new, yes. Alien, never.
I'm too good a friend to lie to.
I want to drag him into a utility closet and kiss him. Instead, I settle for punching him in the stomach for a *really* bad pun, after he walks me to class.
Got a few things hashed out with myself. My body allows itself to feel physical attraction for Darkside again, which attraction I sublimate with gentle, friendly violence. (He knows this.)
Attempting to describe the conversation accurately is futile. I ranted and raved at myself in two different sets of handwriting. This doesn't come off so well on the PC; it switches on its own, these days, rather than me being aware of the changeover as I used to be. I used to swap fonts for that.
I bitched at myself and the world in my journal. Darkside read it; I was beyond coherent speech, but not beyond coherent thought. Often, when beyond coherent speech, my voice locks up.
It takes a lot for me to reach out for help. I finally reached towards him, putting my hand down flat on the table. He touched one finger against my hand. ...Always, with someone else, I have a sensation of someone alien to me, a sense of not-me-in-there when there is physical contact. I see why some mages avoid it. With Darkside, though, we have worked together so well and so long, there is the same sense of connection, but not of alien presence. Unusual and new, yes. Alien, never.
I'm too good a friend to lie to.
I want to drag him into a utility closet and kiss him. Instead, I settle for punching him in the stomach for a *really* bad pun, after he walks me to class.