Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2008-02-13 10:56 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2008-02-13 10:56 pm
Nattering about self-esteem, from a locked post elsewhere:
11:57 PM 2/11/2008
There's a certain threshold zone in the middle where people's own self-esteem has a high impact on the esteem that others hold them in, a range in which it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for the general public. (Obviously, I Am Not A Professional Psychologist, so this is my natterings; if you think you fall into the bad zone I postulate, it might be something to talk to a Real Counselor Person about. Don't forget to tell them that I live on the internet and am therefore on crack!)
Obviously, when you have someone whose self-esteem is pathologically high (think "You're So Vain" plus "Everybody Loves Me, Baby", and then some) and they think that they are all that, in strict defiance of reality, people are not going to share their inflated opinion of themselves. Similarly, when someone feels the veriest wretch, but they're actually really really nice, people aren't going to think horribly of them.
But in the middle, when there's a range of doubt about what kind of person someone is, the natural human instinct is to trust the other person's self-assessment.
In some range, a poor self-esteem can become a self-fulfilling prophecy that links to a cycle of utter social fail. So when someone gives off every sign that they feel they are not up to standards (within the range of the reasonable), unless they manage to demonstrate not only performance that's up to standards, but in fact performance over the standards, someone who's not paying very close attention will be more likely to consider their performance substandard. It's not going to work on people who really have gotten to know you, and it's not going to work so much on people who aren't intellectually lazy, but there's a little psychological mechanism that goes, "Well, people don't think that poorly of themselves for no reason, so there must be something besides what I'm seeing that makes them think that way." And then they'll start looking for points of fail. And they'll find them.
Similarly, if someone is only actually average by any objective measure, but they act with the confidence and assurance of someone above-average, others are more likely to think of them as above-average. (Note that this one falls down somewhat when things like job performance that can be measured by objective standards comes into play, but people with good stats in social can pull off some crappy performance and still do well. This is why.) Again, there's that little thing that goes, "Well, X and Y aren't so hot, but people don't have this kind of genuine confidence in themselves for no reason. What do they have going for them?" And they look for points of win, and, not surprisingly, find them.
There's a certain threshold zone in the middle where people's own self-esteem has a high impact on the esteem that others hold them in, a range in which it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for the general public. (Obviously, I Am Not A Professional Psychologist, so this is my natterings; if you think you fall into the bad zone I postulate, it might be something to talk to a Real Counselor Person about. Don't forget to tell them that I live on the internet and am therefore on crack!)
Obviously, when you have someone whose self-esteem is pathologically high (think "You're So Vain" plus "Everybody Loves Me, Baby", and then some) and they think that they are all that, in strict defiance of reality, people are not going to share their inflated opinion of themselves. Similarly, when someone feels the veriest wretch, but they're actually really really nice, people aren't going to think horribly of them.
But in the middle, when there's a range of doubt about what kind of person someone is, the natural human instinct is to trust the other person's self-assessment.
In some range, a poor self-esteem can become a self-fulfilling prophecy that links to a cycle of utter social fail. So when someone gives off every sign that they feel they are not up to standards (within the range of the reasonable), unless they manage to demonstrate not only performance that's up to standards, but in fact performance over the standards, someone who's not paying very close attention will be more likely to consider their performance substandard. It's not going to work on people who really have gotten to know you, and it's not going to work so much on people who aren't intellectually lazy, but there's a little psychological mechanism that goes, "Well, people don't think that poorly of themselves for no reason, so there must be something besides what I'm seeing that makes them think that way." And then they'll start looking for points of fail. And they'll find them.
Similarly, if someone is only actually average by any objective measure, but they act with the confidence and assurance of someone above-average, others are more likely to think of them as above-average. (Note that this one falls down somewhat when things like job performance that can be measured by objective standards comes into play, but people with good stats in social can pull off some crappy performance and still do well. This is why.) Again, there's that little thing that goes, "Well, X and Y aren't so hot, but people don't have this kind of genuine confidence in themselves for no reason. What do they have going for them?" And they look for points of win, and, not surprisingly, find them.
no subject
Oddly enough, other people's assessment of me is NEVER anything near my self-assessment. Which I don't understand, because normally I agree with you. I had a student call me the other day with some questions about her protocol application, and at the end of the convo she was effusive with praise about how much I'd helped her during the process and how good I was at answering questions and how much I knew...and she said she'd talked to other people about me and everyone she'd spoken with had great things to say about me!
Thankfully this was a phone conversation and she did not see the complete shock and jaw-dropped look on my face (yes, my jaw literally dropped). I got myself together before she quit babbling (though she wasn't quite that bad, honestly, just a very happy chatty person) and thanked her for the compliments, but...just...WHAT?!? I know my boss has spoken highly of me behind my back (and sometimes in front of me, which I find highly embarrassing) but...the idea that people have actually talked about me?
For some reason it was less startling at UT, when I'd been in the IRB office for so long I was a fixture. -Everybody- who submitted IRB protocols knew who I was; I had been there longer than anybody else in the office. I was the one who answered questions without ever making you feel stupid. I was the one the research coordinators talked to. (Doctors tended to talk to their board coordinators, but the research coords. almost always came to me. They were the ones who got the paperwork done, after all, and so was I.)
But I've been here less than a year, man. Okay, I'm the only IRB staff person here, as opposed to one of twelve at UT, but still. Why would people be talking about me?? (Especially since half the time I feel like I'm seriously falling behind...)
So. yeah. Babblage. Sorry about that. But seriously, my self-assessment is nowhere close to other people's view of me, apparently.
Icon totally applies here, man.
no subject
no subject
Most people just don't have the professionalism put on so well. I would guess that the average neurotypical office worker is going to have their professional mask on maybe 10-50% of the time. Yours is more in the 80-95% range, from what I get from you.
I'm guessing that the average person is going to assume that the others around them are masked to that same extent, so from their experience with you, they'd interpret a whole lot of things that are part of your professional mask as actually part of you. Thus the phenomenal opinion.
And just like people see me as "nice". Um, hahahahah.
no subject
Actually, my professional mask is on 100% of the time when I'm at work. Immediate co-workers get a slight variation on the mask because they're interested in my personal life whereas investigators who submit protocols are not. Except for the ones who ask me about my name - I've gotten into some seriously interesting conversations with a few people starting from that. Especially the professor who's doing a study at the linguistics center where they teach Choctaw...but that's not the point.
The point is that having Asperger's, I'm *always* wearing a mask of one type or another. Even just interacting with my husband or close friends, hell, even to interact with *you*, if we're on the phone, I have to act to some extent. Every inflection of my voice, every facial expression...none of it is *natural*. It's all...well, admittedly the standard expressions are automatic after this many years, but they're still *conscious*.
And to be honest, that's probably the source of...I don't want to say *low* self-esteem, but perhaps my self-rating being lower than others rate me - that I am necessarily completely and overly self-conscious. I rewind nearly every conversation where I feel it wasn't optimal, to think how I could do it better next time.