Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) đș (
azurelunatic) wrote1997-02-01 11:59 pm
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February 1, 1997
Saturday afternoons with your body itching of the chlorine that you werenât quite able to wash all the way off are some of the most lonely times in the world, even if your family or even some of it is at home. Especially if Shawn is at Circle Hot Springs and goofing off and having fun at a party that I wasnât invited toâŠ
Itâs even more lonely to have given yourself, heart and soul (although not body) to a guy who you mean literally nothing to. Thatâs what Iâve done. I know itâs not right. I should forget him. I should haul my ass out of his life so damn fast that he wonât even notice that Iâve left. So why donât I? Because I have this attachment to him that is threatening to choke me if I even attempt it, even as it is slowly killing me as I let it be and let my energy drain into him.
I will not talk to Emily today if she calls.
I cannot. I cannot afford to. I will not call Hannah; that would be just plain pesky. I will not call any of my friends out of short-distance, and Shawn is not home.
I wish I had E-mail so I could send something to Kim, who is the dear person she is, the darling she has to be in order to be in Joshâs life.
I love what I know of you, Shawn. I reach out to you, trusting you, wanting you to trust me. But you donât trust me quite that much, and you most especially donât want me to trust you. Youâre indifferent, which really stings more than anything I could imagine. Josh is indifferent too. Indifference. Are these the wages of my transgressions? If it be so, then I will immerse myself. Shawn, I wish you were here to talk to me at this moment. Unsettling thought, that just the thought of the one that has caused the problems should settle me.
Introspective Saturday afternoons should be shunned at all costs. The cost of them is too high. I do not want to die; I do not want myself to want to die.
I cannot talk to Emily if she calls today because it will upset me more than anything else and it will not be a good thing.
I need serious help.
I hate my family.
I do need help.
This is why I donât go swimming anymore. Thereâs too much time in the afternoon if I do. I have no desire for more empty time in my life. I donât want depressing emptiness. I donât want to be doing this. Iâve come uncentered. Thatâs not good. Why did I come uncentered? Itâs the reaction setting in a few days too late. I now need him to listen to me in turn. That has unbalanced me. If I receive that much of an outpouring, I need to pour out to him in turn. But he didnât let me. I didnât get the chance to. Itâs got to be one of those rare times around this house where the house is deserted and itâs a reasonable hour to be pouring out a heartâI canât have my father listening; that would not be good. I canât have Julie or Mama listening either. I guess sometimes Iâd be indifferent to them as well.
Shawn, please take the time to care. Care about something now in your butterfly-life.
He loved who I was. What was Terrible Tuesday really all about? Was it a manifestation of his problems? Should I take it literally, figuratively, internally; not at all?
I hated it when it seemed that his Monkey character was taking over him entirely.
He is scared of my memory, but at the same time it fascinates him. He remembers so few things clearly that it scares meâhis memory scares me, as mine does him. Mutual fright and interestâoh, Shawnâbe a friend. Be a lover. But be a trusting, trusted friend firstâI look for that before I look for a lover. I was mistakenly thinking that sexual intimacy would fill the gap that the lack of our emotional intimacy is causing.
ââŠthe first girl to ever convinse me of loves existanse,â Shawn wrote in that letter, of âMilly Durbin, the most incredibly gorgeous girl ever to exist on this planet or any other. But now, fortunately, he realizes that it was just (fortunately, fortunatelyâor is it?) a case of very strong mutual infatuationâ ânot quite a one-night stand but pretty close.â Or whatever the hell.
Saturday afternoons with your body itching of the chlorine that you werenât quite able to wash all the way off are some of the most lonely times in the world, even if your family or even some of it is at home. Especially if Shawn is at Circle Hot Springs and goofing off and having fun at a party that I wasnât invited toâŠ
Itâs even more lonely to have given yourself, heart and soul (although not body) to a guy who you mean literally nothing to. Thatâs what Iâve done. I know itâs not right. I should forget him. I should haul my ass out of his life so damn fast that he wonât even notice that Iâve left. So why donât I? Because I have this attachment to him that is threatening to choke me if I even attempt it, even as it is slowly killing me as I let it be and let my energy drain into him.
I will not talk to Emily today if she calls.
I cannot. I cannot afford to. I will not call Hannah; that would be just plain pesky. I will not call any of my friends out of short-distance, and Shawn is not home.
I wish I had E-mail so I could send something to Kim, who is the dear person she is, the darling she has to be in order to be in Joshâs life.
I love what I know of you, Shawn. I reach out to you, trusting you, wanting you to trust me. But you donât trust me quite that much, and you most especially donât want me to trust you. Youâre indifferent, which really stings more than anything I could imagine. Josh is indifferent too. Indifference. Are these the wages of my transgressions? If it be so, then I will immerse myself. Shawn, I wish you were here to talk to me at this moment. Unsettling thought, that just the thought of the one that has caused the problems should settle me.
Introspective Saturday afternoons should be shunned at all costs. The cost of them is too high. I do not want to die; I do not want myself to want to die.
I cannot talk to Emily if she calls today because it will upset me more than anything else and it will not be a good thing.
I need serious help.
I hate my family.
I do need help.
This is why I donât go swimming anymore. Thereâs too much time in the afternoon if I do. I have no desire for more empty time in my life. I donât want depressing emptiness. I donât want to be doing this. Iâve come uncentered. Thatâs not good. Why did I come uncentered? Itâs the reaction setting in a few days too late. I now need him to listen to me in turn. That has unbalanced me. If I receive that much of an outpouring, I need to pour out to him in turn. But he didnât let me. I didnât get the chance to. Itâs got to be one of those rare times around this house where the house is deserted and itâs a reasonable hour to be pouring out a heartâI canât have my father listening; that would not be good. I canât have Julie or Mama listening either. I guess sometimes Iâd be indifferent to them as well.
Shawn, please take the time to care. Care about something now in your butterfly-life.
He loved who I was. What was Terrible Tuesday really all about? Was it a manifestation of his problems? Should I take it literally, figuratively, internally; not at all?
I hated it when it seemed that his Monkey character was taking over him entirely.
He is scared of my memory, but at the same time it fascinates him. He remembers so few things clearly that it scares meâhis memory scares me, as mine does him. Mutual fright and interestâoh, Shawnâbe a friend. Be a lover. But be a trusting, trusted friend firstâI look for that before I look for a lover. I was mistakenly thinking that sexual intimacy would fill the gap that the lack of our emotional intimacy is causing.
ââŠthe first girl to ever convinse me of loves existanse,â Shawn wrote in that letter, of âMilly Durbin, the most incredibly gorgeous girl ever to exist on this planet or any other. But now, fortunately, he realizes that it was just (fortunately, fortunatelyâor is it?) a case of very strong mutual infatuationâ ânot quite a one-night stand but pretty close.â Or whatever the hell.