Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-06-11 01:14 am
azurelunatic) wrote2002-06-11 01:14 am
Privacy
There's something about the feel of pen on paper that's lost in the LJ experience. I'm keeping another paper journal now, one where I don't need to worry about security level of posts, and what if I assigned this to the wrong friends group, or whatever. There, I can bitch and piss and moan as I please, without worry for stomping on toes. The only person who sees the paper journal seems to be Darkside.
Odd, that I can hold so much trust in one man. Yet, he's never betrayed me; never let me continue being untrue to myself should he see me do so. Without undermining my own Will, even.
I suppose paper journal is where I can pick him apart. This isn't that, here. I may root deep into what makes the man tick, but there are things I just don't, can't, say here. I could tell the whole world every word he speaks to me, almost, and that would not change the fact that you don't know him... it doesn't reflect the subtleties of the way his expression, body language, say more than his words do.
I'm besotted. Enthralled. Obsessed. It's the delight of meeting the Other, and seeing within some aspects of the Self, and finding within the Self, the Other, also. Just -- this Other, this Self in Other, Other in Self reflected back, same Power linking soul to soul to soul to soul... it's not going to hurt me more than I can bear, with him. I need to learn it some time. Why not with One who I love?
Odd, that I can hold so much trust in one man. Yet, he's never betrayed me; never let me continue being untrue to myself should he see me do so. Without undermining my own Will, even.
I suppose paper journal is where I can pick him apart. This isn't that, here. I may root deep into what makes the man tick, but there are things I just don't, can't, say here. I could tell the whole world every word he speaks to me, almost, and that would not change the fact that you don't know him... it doesn't reflect the subtleties of the way his expression, body language, say more than his words do.
I'm besotted. Enthralled. Obsessed. It's the delight of meeting the Other, and seeing within some aspects of the Self, and finding within the Self, the Other, also. Just -- this Other, this Self in Other, Other in Self reflected back, same Power linking soul to soul to soul to soul... it's not going to hurt me more than I can bear, with him. I need to learn it some time. Why not with One who I love?
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There are times when I have the exact same thought. Usually after Play. I don't think about it beforehand, but afterwards, when I'm coming down...this is what usually hits me: how much I trust this man. The amount of love I feel never shocks me; after all, I can feel him in my soul on a daily basis. But the amount of trust...I've never trusted ANYONE else enough that I would give up control of myself. I've always wanted to, though I didn't realize it, but I never could. I never could be a Top, but I was always a damned pushy bottom! :) But now I can let go, and trust that rather than let me fall, he instead pushes me higher than I've ever been.
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Hi hun, i'm slowly catching up on everything i've missed. Not home until tommorow. only 850 more entries to go.
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I was a magician the moment I read Spock's World. I took the Magician's Oath. Ordaination hasn't changed that; merely refined it.
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