$5 can buy a *lot* of fun.

[azurelunatic]

After some examination, it does in fact appear that my rule of thumb for conference swag seems to be: "We expect that you will encounter a problem (at this conference, or in your professional life) that can be solved with this bit of swag." Granted, that problem may be somewhat abstract, such as "lack of cool thing to place on desk and fidget with", or "lack of personal attire" in the case of the free t-shirt (or, g-d help us, the massively unprofessional briefs). Ours is not a profession that solves its work-related problems with fire (though if only we could--!) and certainly not with condoms. (Safety! reminds elf. This is going to be a really safe conference.)

I did, in fact, look up how much money it would take to outfit the entirety of a certain Silicon Valley company's $SKILL division with kazoos. The answer is: this conference seats a number that is lower than the minimum order of 150; imprinted kazoos are a dollar apiece for the minimum order; setup fee is around 50. So for a cool $200, I could become the temporary owner of 150 very attractive kazoos, that is, until my Overlady tracked me down and stuffed my practical black hiking sandals down my throat. (My Overlady is the sweetest person you'll ever meet, until something mission-critical fails, at which point she becomes abruptly non-sweet and very focused on making sure that the mission succeeds, and the failure does not repeat if she has to kill something herself. I mentioned I at least minorly idolize my Overlady, right?)

Clearly, outfitting the entire conference with kazoos would be a bad, bad move. (When I mentioned the kazoo idea, as a horribly bad idea, to my manager, she laughed and suggested vuvuzelas. Did I mention that my manager rocks, and has a sick and twisted sense of humor? My manager rocks, and her sense of humor is the best.)

However, I could still amuse myself with thoughts of slipping off to the dollar store and buying about $5 worth of kazoos.

If the swag bags were made up specifically, I'd have a short list of who would get a kazoo: people who would both think it was funny, and who could be trusted to behave maturely when agents of throwing a little excitement into the mix blessed them with a kazoo.

If the swag bags were assigned randomly, there was another plan: print up short notes to be slipped into each kazoo-containing bag. The notes would read a little like this:

Congratulations! You have been chosen for the All-$COMPANY kazoo band. This honor is due to your skill and musical aptitude. Rehearsal is outside in the parking lot during the last 10 minutes of lunch. The performance will be shortly after the conference closing ceremonies.

The thought of doing this will have to keep me warm.

Comments

Suggestions?

[jecook]

The most useful swag I got from my last tradeshow were:

* A double-wall plastic cup with straw in it. Mine was silk-screened with the vendor's logo, and was much used until it jumped off the shelf one morning and broke. :(
* Shopping tote bags that had a stuff sack sewn to them; Sort of like these ikea bags, but with the vendor's logo on them. I use them every time I go shopping.

The must amusing: a foam stress ball shaped like a grenade, with a shaker device molded into it with a cord attached to the 'pin'. It was great stress relief until the shaker broke. :D

[silveradept]

I like your plan. I also like your Overlady. I think it would be great to have a kazoo band.

[elf]

I am fond of flash drives as swag. (Aside from the fact that I just love portable data carriers, they can be pre-loaded with company brochures, white papers, whatever.) I've looked into getting them with customized logos, and established that they'd be likely around $2 each for simple 2gb or 4gb flash drives, in batches of 50 or maybe 150, depending on where they're purchased.

The options for purchase were terrifying. It involved signing up at a hub site that aggregated offers from apparently dozens of manufacturers, all of which are in China, none of which write fluent English, as opposed to broken salespitch English. It was very hard to get a coherent answer to, "Design #37: what's the cost for 50 of them with my logo--I'd like to know for 2gb and 4gb, and also, what are the design requirements for the logo?" (Also, signing up to request anything got me dozens of advert-ish PLEASE BUY FLASH DRIVES CHEAP BARGAIN HI QUALITY NOW! emails.)

---
I suppose that if custom-logo condoms are out, so are custom-logo packets of lube. "Astro-glide through the conference in comfort!"

And you probably aren't giving out Kindles pre-loaded with a large set of public domain ebooks. (What, your budget isn't $70 per attendee?)

---
Other possible swag:
A business-card holder with a pen somehow attached, so people could get cards & write on them whatever they need to remember whodahell that was and why they'd picked up the card.

The Dumbledore approach: Everyone needs more socks. Although I've no idea how hard it is to get socks with company logos on them.

Find some self-pub authors who write in genres of interest to conference attendees, who want to promote their works. Give out coupons with free Smashwords codes. Print 'em up on book cards (possibly with silver scratch-off over the code).

Small decks of tarot cards are probably neither practical nor appropriate, more's the pity. I think our economy would be better off if more corporate types consulted tarot instead of whatever they're using to make business decisions.

[ghoti]

I would like to join your kazoo band. Where do I send my audition tape?

Re: Suggestions?

[azurelunatic]

Some of the other considerations are that we don't want to overly duplicate the things that other internal events are handing out. I would say that every other person has either a company-branded water bottle or cup, and Silicon Valley is overflowing with shopping tote bags. The stuff-sack kind are dead useful, though. I've got two of the IKEA ones tucked into my Trader Joe's bag, one for organization and one for shopping.

[azurelunatic]

If the magic-20-balls had had customizable innards, as well as outards, I'd have been ALL OVER that.

[azurelunatic]

Email this username at gmail dot com and I can point you appropriately. :-P

[ghoti]

Is there a submission fee as well? I will fax you my bank account.

[zarhooie]

Custom branded chickens.

[azurelunatic]

If I were going for custom socks, I might look at soccer sock providers.

[azurelunatic]

You catch the White Leghorns, I'll get the stencils and edible dye.