Thoughts before I go to sleep on that family with the really disturbing stuff going on

[azurelunatic]

So the mother of this family wrote an essay on some of the stuff going down, and clearly very wrong, in her family; she has a kid who is flipping between normal kid stuff and really disturbing violence and threats.

And then there are the other folks pointing out that the parent clearly has some problems, and apparently there's a blog entry where she fantasizes about killing her kids and then herself.

And there's entirely on-point yelling on the internet that this whole scenario is deeply fucked up. Most of the yelling I've seen in my end of the filter bubble is the entirely justified wrath of disability and youth rights viewpoints pointing out how entirely fucked-up this parent's point of view is.

I would like to do some yelling of my own on a different angle.


Where in the entire hell is the state and social safety net that in a just world would be helping this family cope as intact as possible with all of this?

A parent saying that she'd like to kill her kids and herself is a big fucking red flag, and in a just world they would be getting extra hands, actual experts on whatever's going on with the kid, coaching, relief. Kid needs other people there to make sure he's going to be okay. Mom needs other people there so she's not on 24/7 caregiver call. That's the sort of job that 8/5 will break someone who's not suited.

She doesn't need to be demonized on the internet, but what's going on is clearly not okay, and she does need a whole lot of fucking help really fast. What kind of help would be up to a specialist, but...


I have more thoughts, but I've run out of coherent.

Comments

[silveradept]

Another symptom of the system that insists only the rich deserve help for their issues. I hope that mom and kid can manage to get to help before things go horribly wrong.

[andrewducker]

I don't know any parent of even minorly-annoying children that haven't had fantasies of strangling the little bastards from time to time.

Heck, I had fantasies about blowing my school up when I was a kid. But, because I'm fairly normal in most respects, I didn't do it.

Fantasy is a necessary method of letting stress out. People treating it as if it was a precursor to reality scare me.

[chagrined]

idk, I read those blog posts of hers, and while some of them made me eyeroll, I agreed with the large majority of commenters who said they seemed like venting and the person who made the post acting like the mom was legit fantasizing about killing her kids was being ridic. as plenty of parents chimed in, when their kids are acting up and they think, "uggggh I could just strangle those little brats right now," that is not the same as actually planning to do so. I had mixed feelings on the essay the initial person wrote, though I agree with the points that support systems are nonexistent/fucked-up, but I thought the person who wrote the "blog analysis take-down" was full of shit.

I saw a comment on there from someone who couldn't believe that someone who could write such a ridiculous "analysis" could actually have a PhD. Obviously they haven't spent much time among actual academics.

[azurelunatic]

I read the article and the analysis thing, and the bit that jumped out at me was the pants. Yes, picking your kid's pants is hella controlling, but that is a school dress code problem. If she had not pointed out the pants problem, there would be further and entirely preventable shenanigans at school.

So at least that part of the analysis is full of it.

[azurelunatic]

I think that reality is likely always preceded by fantasy, but that most fantasy is the end of things.

Seeing someone with disturbing fantasies that they share in public is the time for their friends to check in and make sure they are essentially okay and maybe arrange a little time away from the primary stressor. It is not time to treat them as though they are one gun and a bad day away from committing an atrocity, but to help make sure it's not already/won't get that bad.

I have had my share of disturbing fantasies, and I tend not to share them because I know that doing those things would be wrong. If I did share them, I would be cranky if a friend called the police, because that is a disproportionate response, but it would be bad if it was completely ignored. Something like "That's pretty intense; you okay there? " is reasonable, and only if I kept being very deeply disturbing should higher authorities get involved.

[amberfox]

My sister took one of her friends aside when she started planning to have kids and explained to her that getting tired and frustrated is absolutely normal and it's perfectly okay to put them down somewhere safe and walk away for a few minutes til you get your shit together. Her friend had never heard of this and was absolutely appalled at the idea that there were people who could get upset at a baby. Then she had twins. She gets it now.

[andrewducker]

Thank you, you just made me laugh (and then read this to my wife)!

[castiron]

I wondered about that when someone in the original comments was saying, essentially, "Mom, if you weren't so controlling about his clothes, he wouldn't have had the meltdown." Um, if it's school policy that he can't wear this color pants to school, then no, she's not being a control freak by saying "You can't wear these pants to school."

[siderea]

Link?

[azurelunatic]

http://thebluereview.org/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother/

[siderea]

Thanks!

[amberfox]

This is actually why my son doesn't own any clothes he can't wear to school. Some of them are more appropriate than others, but every article of clothing he owns is school dress code-compliant. Our dress code is pretty relaxed, but there are still a lot of clothes in the teen boys department that could get you sent home, and I'm not getting into a fight with someone my size over a shirt with a skull pattern that he promised to only wear on the weekends if I would just buy it for him.

[amberfox]

Thanks. =)