Not an impostor

[azurelunatic]

So late last week, I was cc:ed on an email which contained the following:

"If there's anything else we need in terms of logistics, [Azz] is fantastic at managing these sorts of things, and has plenty of experience in getting everything done."

And I looked at it and I expected to feel that surge of mixed pride and trepidation: the one where you look at someone's positive description of you and feel like it's everything you want to be, but those are some mighty big shoes and you feel like nothing so much as a very small child playing dress-up with full-sized grownup finery.

I didn't feel it. I felt pleased, and honored, and recognized, but not in the way where I compare myself to someone else's vision of me and come up feeling inferior to the awesome person they have clearly constructed out of stuff and nonsense in their head.

Somewhere between April and now, I've gained the experience and the confidence in my experience. April and May were some pretty big months, and it took a lot out of me, but now that I have a basic idea what I'm doing on that front, as long as there's someone steering the ship --


This feels really good.

Comments

[kaberett]

Yes good. ♥

[azurelunatic]

I was reading that Captain Awkward post about Job Red Flags, and one of the comments mentioned on-the-job training that never manifested. And I took the moment to realize and appreciate how much I've grown as a professional through this position.

(There are bad parts. But there are very good parts.)

[sporky_rat]

Go Azz!

[nilchance]

That's awesome! \o/

[ofearthandstars]

That's great! If I had received something similar, I would have locked myself in my office and cried, because I do not want more responsibility at work right now. :D

[azurelunatic]

I have some room for expansion, but this falls mostly within what I'd be doing anyway -- the person writing it was going to be out of state and delegating to someone off-team who didn't see the chaos and fabulousity of April/May.

[andrewducker]

That's fantastic. There's nothing quite like feeling competent at your job.

[ephemera]

*fist bump* Go Team You!

[silveradept]

That's excellent! Go you!

[silverflight8]

<3

[mmegaera]

I think you're the only person I've ever seen admit to not being an imposter anymore [g].

[wendelah1]

♥

[tazmandevil]

sounds like you've earned it

[trixieleitz]

Go you! It's great to get that kind of validation, and fantastic that you believe that it's genuine :)

I know the feeling of pride and trepidation that you mention. It comes along with a sarcastic voice in the back of my head saying "NO pressure!"

[azurelunatic]

Yeah: mine is this "yeah and if I fuck this up now it'll be even worse than if I blew it with no rec."

This though -- I know the pitfalls and also how it could go wrong, how it has in the past, and how it can be mitigated. Worst case there is a Safeway run and an expense reimbursement.

[trixieleitz]

Yeah, the unfamiliar is always so much more stressful. And backup plans are most definitely a valid life choice :)

[azurelunatic]

I still am on a lot of things, but on this? It's only about 125 people, it's only 3 hours, I know who the internal catering people are and their work cellphone numbers, the actual presenter content is None Of My Concern, I've attended dozens of events like it, and we have an actual ladies' room that doesn't require going through a security door in order to access. I know what to do about this.

[azurelunatic]

Hilarity has ensued. WE SHALL PREVAIL.

[azurelunatic]

I am delighted. Things are also Happening, but IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

[azurelunatic]

It's amazing! I feel fully competent at every part of the day-to-day stuff except for having enough energy to get it all done, but this is sort of a stretch, except where I've suddenly leveled up.

[azurelunatic]

*fist bump*

[azurelunatic]

I'm very happy about this! It also got hilarious, but I'm still feeling confident in my life and choices.

[azurelunatic]

:D

[azurelunatic]

<3

[azurelunatic]

I think I have.