Planning parties for introverts

[azurelunatic]

So one of my friends was trawling the internet looking for Useful, and discovered that there seemed to be plenty of guides for introverts on surviving extrovert parties, but none for introverts planning their own parties, or for people planning parties that are designed to be friendly for introverts.

I hope to help remedy this lack.


Extroverts tend to be able to socialize at the drop of a hat. Introverts may need more of a prompt to do so. Consider party activities, like card or board games, something to watch as a group (Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is a standard), or a craft get-together. Make sure that anyone is welcome to just hang back and watch. A dinner party can also provide a helpful structure.

Avoid the sorts of long games that if you start, you're committed to an hour or more, unless you know that enough people to play them are actually into that.

Have places to retreat to, such as secluded reading nooks, a cloakroom, the kitchen, or similar. This can help free up the bathroom for people who need to use it for the intended function, if there are other places of (relative) solitude. Consider the need for multiple, two-or-three-person areas. Two or three can sit around in companionable silence that's almost as good as being entirely alone (sometimes better), and a party with more than one introvert may need corners suitable for all of them.

When giving the Tour of the Place, include mention of the quiet places, so your guests will know that it is acceptable/encouraged to duck in if things get a bit loud for them.

Many discussions of introverts-in-high-social functions use "loud" and "socially overwhelming" as close synonyms, though they're not entirely. However, actual volume can contribute. Unless it's a dance party, set the volume on the music/entertainment at a level that people do not have to scream over in order to be heard. (If it is a sufficiently loud dance party, have a quiet room.)

Pay careful attention to the guest list, and make sure that there are no known explosive/uncomfortable combinations. Social is hard enough without the risk of something going boom. Unless you're pretty sure it'll work, maybe avoid a situation with chatty people who all know each other and one very introverted person who knows only you. Try for something where everyone knows at least one other person besides you. (Mapping this out may be made easier with a social network visualizer tool. In a pinch, use paper and multicolored crayons. If you have Microsoft Office, try Visio, as you can use the connector tools and then shuffle nodes around without breaking links.)

Try to avoid including mortal enemies in the same party. (It is at this point that I link http://www.plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html in case someone's not been introduced to it before.) Basically if you have a social group with a pair of mortal enemies in it and you plan a party for that group, either you're going to risk Unpleasantness before or after if one of them isn't invited to the party, because of being left out, or Unpleasantness at the party, if they both come and clash there. Me, I'd choose the straightforward "look, under other circumstances I would invite you to the party, and there will be future parties where you will be gladly invited, but the fact is that you and X do not get along, and X is coming to this party, so you are not" approach. (There was one party where Y was not informed that the party existed, the party was in honor of X's birthday, Y found out about the party but somehow missed the reason for the party, Y showed up in a huff that he'd not been invited, and I got to do the explanation -- even though it was not my party. Y subsided and went quietly away.) (If you guessed that one might be a Shawn story, you win the prize.)


What else am I missing?

Comments

[ghoti]

adequate plugs (and findable ones!) for personal electronics?

[azurelunatic]

Yes. This is both a geek-party and an introvert-party thing, as the two often overlap; the introverts are likely to be paying attention to the internet because it's less intense than direct contact, and burning through battery that way; the geeks are often introverts, and have juicier devices, plus stuff like The Internet Is My Songbook which happened last night.

[kaberett]

This is pretty much exactly how some of my awesome friends organise things. :-) The particular couple/housewarming I'm thinking of, there was Mao upstairs, people playtesting games in the front room, food and misc chat in the sitting room, quiet spaces in the spare room & master bedroom (clearly flagged up during the tour). (They had plenty of space to play with, obviously!)

[azurelunatic]

Your awesome friends sound awesome.

[pauamma]

Why am I not surprised you have friends playing Mao? :-)

[elf]

There's no size limit for introvert parties. (Kathy Mar's semi-annual Bash is an introvert-friendly gathering. It's huge, and lasts all weekend. If you haven't been, I should drag you to the next one; 2nd weekend in January.)

Printouts of Fun Stuff From The Internet are also useful icebreaker props. (XKCD and other geeky jokes work well in the crowds I hang with.)

Decide in advance if the party is laptop-friendly or not. On the one hand, allowing/encouraging laptops (and tablets) gives a comfortable-and-familiar setting for introverts. On the other, people may spend the whole time buried in the internet.

Themed do-something events would probably work well. You mentioned craft parties; could have a cooking party. Or a "normal" party, where the guests will be involved in making the snacks/a meal.

If there's not enough seating for everyone, some people will hover. Unlike extroverts, who often take lack-of-chair as an excuse to flit about and talk to people, introverts usually wind up standing somewhere out of foot traffic and shifting their weight while trying to figure out if there's a better place to be.

Avoid "everyone-be-social-now" games. These are commonly suggested as party icebreakers, and are pretty much guaranteed to drive introverts away from a second party. This includes the "go around the circle and everyone say their name" game. (Doing so once is fine; doing so again for each new arrival, or adding the twist of "say all the other names before you" is not.)

If the group includes an extrovert or two who likes to be "the performer," USE THAT. Ask 'em to tell their funny "how I ruined Disneyland forever" story, or give a mini-lecture on The Value Of Real Leather In Costuming, or juggle goslings, or whatever it is that they do. Don't let them dominate the whole party, but don't assume that guests who don't want the spotlight on them are opposed to all spotlight-seeking behavior.

[azurelunatic]

A previously-agreed-upon party hashtag and/or IRC channel can be helpful, as well as inclusive of the folks who couldn't make it.

A visible whiteboard with the SSID and password of the local wifi network is useful, especially if there's esoteric spelling and/or capitalization involved.

[azurelunatic]

Ooo, nametags. Useful things for a nametag at a geek party involve: default userpic/avatar of the person in question, username of the person in question, direct-address name of the person in question. (For example, I'm azurelunatic but in person I go by Azz, though one dude at the party last night asked if he could call me Azure because it's such a pretty name.) Nametags help avoid the awkward "hi, I know you but fuck if I can actually remember your name" scenario. (Also, the thing where I rode the bus with someone I thought I vaguely recognized from Thanksgiving, got off at the same stop with him, walked in the same direction, and then we sort of awkwardly realized that yeah, we did in fact know each other, when we arrived at the party.)

[moniqueleigh]

I agree with most of this, but not necessarily the "no size limit for introvert parties" bit. Depending on size of venue, there absolutely CAN be a limit on number of attendees. Frex, my apartment is a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath townhouse with no dining room, a Very Small kitchen, & an Only Slightly Larger living room. Having six people in the place is tight, eight is uncomfortable, and more than that is downright unbearable. Even when they're all introverts.

We could arguably increase that number if I were willing to allow random folks in my bedroom, but that's not happening. People who live here (roommates) are allowed occasional entry, and folks getting the initial tour might be allowed a glance, but generally-speaking, that's my (and my husband's) space to get away from the craziness of Too Many People downstairs.

[gchick]

If you can swing it space-wise, just having multiple separate spaces is a huge benefit -- most of our parties are games parties (because the pre-scripted excuse for social interaction thing? Totally true!), and since our house is a warren of small rooms with no room big enough to hold everyone, we usually end up with something like: video games upstairs, a revolving selection of tabletop in the kitchen, big bucket of lego in the study, and a spare table/chessboard/all the comics on earth and comfy chairs in the living room.

This is mostly because we're way too ADD to arrange a party around just ONE game; but it also means that we and our horde of nerdkind can freely wander off, either because we're either not in love with the current game in any one space, or because we need to get away from the humans for half an hour or so.

[azurelunatic]

It is good to know that a lack of a single large-enough main space will not particularly detract from an introvert party.

<3 <3 <3

[sithjawa]

You articulated a lot of the things I think have made the introvert-friendly gatherings I've been at work (many of which I didn't really grasp, I just knew "this is not as exhausting as other parties of a similar size."

I only have three notes/additions:

* For some people who are shy or have social phobias, rather than merely being introverted, eating in public can be really scary. One way to get around this is to have multiple activities available, of which eating is only one. A mandatory "we are all eating together" activity may not work for some people/groups (while it will be great for others).

* you may not have control of space layout but if possible, quiet spaces should be accessible (and facilities accessible from them) without going through the thickest part of a crowd.

* quiet spaces can be improved by being "quiet" to other senses (visual and olfactory being most relevant). I have a photo of a particularly garish hotel carpet that tends to contribute to the feeling of "loudness" in the hotel's conference spaces. Visual chaos can be cumulative with auditory background noise; if someone emptied an entire bottle of Febreeze into the area, that can also contribute to overwhelm.

Re: <3 <3 <3

[azurelunatic]

Thus, if there's to be a mandatory "we are all eating together" activity, it should be included in the invitation, like "this is a dinner party", or "we are getting together for lunch". *nods*

And the path to the bathroom should be a neutral zone that's not intended to be the Retreat Area, because that leads to parades of people through the Quiet Zone, and there's nothing quiet about that.

[vass]

Everything you said.

Expanding on the loudness point: I have auditory processing problems. This means that my hearing is normal but my brain doesn't always put the sounds together correctly. This means that listening is more cognitive work than, say, reading; and the more background noise, the harder I have to work. And also, when I miss stuff and have to ask people to repeat what they said, maybe repeat it multiple times, and frequently they'll only repeat the last half of the sentence, and what I missed was the first half, that's all exhausting social stuff too.

Also, both TV and music are more attention-grabbing for me (and, I suspect, for many introverts) than they are for the rest of the population, so 'background' audio and video are hard. They're like a computer window that you're trying to minimise, and it just keeps popping up in front of what you're doing again and again.

On the other hand, if the purpose of the event is to watch TV, what can really help with that is pausing it if people want to say something, and turning captions on if they're available.

One more point: if you're an extrovert and you're trying to make your party more welcoming for your introvert friends, that's great, but please don't be pitying about it, like it's this unfortunate failing you're trying to accommodate. Think of it as similar to universal access: the same accommodations that make a place usable for people with disabilities will also be helpful to many abled people.

[enemyofperfect]

Seconding the sensory stuff so much. Energy I expend filtering out unrelated inputs is energy I can't put towards enjoyable interactions.

[siderea]

Something implicit in your OP and comments which bears making explicit: Introverts are generally more comfortable with social interactions and activities for which they know what the expectations and rules are, so (1) providing activities with explicit structures and/or (2) explicitly telling people what the expectations are, are very helpful.

One of the most successful introvert activities I ever ran was actual a rush activity for my dorm, 20 years ago: "Come make a gingerbread model of the main campus"! What it said on the tin.

LAN parties.

I would recommend "no background music", too. Background music makes people talk louder, which feels aggressive, even if you know intellectually the speakers are not being aggressive.

Party games: Party games which involve self-disclosure are unwelcome to introverts. So too are ones which threaten their dignity or put them on the spot. Party games which are actual games can be very welcome structuring experiences. I've seen group of about 20 at an introvert-heavy party have a grand time playing Wink Murder (Judge variant).

[avia]

So too are ones which threaten their dignity or put them on the spot.

Gosh, yes, this. I don't really have problems with self-disclosure (I know some people who do, but I'm a very straightforward person about my self), but putting me on the spot in an embarrassing situation? Like truth or dare? I probably will have a meltdown.

And to the OP, this is a lovely and useful guide. I'm glad to see people thinking of introverts as "people we should accommodate for" instead of "people who have to take all the burden of making their selves safe and comfortable".

[pne]

Unless it's a dance party, set the volume on the music/entertainment at a level that people do not have to scream over in order to be heard.

Yes yes yes!

If the "background" music is louder than normal conversational volume, you're doing it wrong. People should not have to be able to communicate despite the music.

[musyc]

Make plans and invite your introvert well beforehand if at all possible. "We're having a party tonight, you gotta be there!" is ... not always achievable for the introvert. "We're having a party in a week and would like you to be there" is awesome, and will give your introvert time to both mentally and physically prepare, as well as give them a chance to schedule personal cool-down time the next day or two.

Explicit expectations = great big yes. Let your introvert know in advance what type of party is going on - this is a sit-down dinner, this is a LAN party, this is a gaming party, etc.

Tell your introvert if there are going to be any clothing expectations beyond "wear clothing". (And for some of the parties I've attended with renfaire people, tell your introvert that "wear clothing" may become optional after ten PM, so they're not completely surprised or they have the chance to leave.) Let your introvert know that the flip-flops and T-shirt with the nerd quote is perfectly acceptable attire, if it is. Otherwise, tell them, to save the hours of "oh god, what if I wear the wrong thing and everyone stares at me" fretting pre-party.

(In my case, with the weekly gaming group, being the only female in attendance meant NOT wearing T-shirts with sayings on, after I discovered that the fellows wanted to read my shirts but did NOT want to appear to be staring at my chest. Comfort for everyone meant either "you all get to read the shirt right now" displays or wearing stuff that could be read/absorbed in a quick glance.)

The introvert will spend less time worrying pre-party, as well, if you tell the introvert whether they are expected to provide something for the party. If they are, tell them precisely what to bring and in what amount. Two boxen of donuts, one jug of beverage, a dozen packages of animal crackers, whatever. The feeling of active contribution without the emotional strain of "was it enough?" has often been very helpful to me at parties. (And I am INCAPABLE of walking into another person's house for a party without providing something, even if it's one damn cookie. Can't do it. Mentally/psychologically can't. Tell me what to bring. And please make it very, very low price. "Hey, $realname, could you bring a bottle of Pepsi with you?" is NOT A BURDEN, it is a godsend.)

[pauamma]

Fancy meeting you here.

[musyc]

OH ALSO. In addition to a "no noise" area or a "no drinks" area, have a "NO PHOTOGRAPHY" area. Allow people, like myself, who hatehatehatehatehateLOATHE having their pictures taken to be in a space where they are guaranteed that no one is going to sneak up and flash a camera at them.

Or do like prom, and have a designated photo area, possibly decorated, so that people who want a memento can play around in it.

[pauamma]

Yes - or at least, an "opt-in pics only" area. (I'm unsure whether you hate all flashing in your vision field, or only that targeted at you, so it may not be enough in all cases.)

[silveradept]

Everything mentioned so far in post and comments, along with a couple more suggestions:

Introverts are often very good at conversation and interaction if you provide a no-stress way of determining compatible conversation topics and an easy way of getting people into the conversation. If you have matchmakers in your crowd, subtly exploit them or make them ambassadors that can bring people in or peel off of conversations to find wallflowers. In most unfamiliar situations, I tend to observe and not talk much, unless/until I can be reasonably certain people will want to listen to my input and that input will not cause social problems or anxiety. Having an ambassador there who can steer people to compatible conversations helps lots.

As much as possible, learn the...how did Morton's List put it...Personal Convictions, maybe? of each potential guest beforehand. Most people know the obvious ones (always have a veggie option, beware of allergies, etc.), but if, say, one of your guests has arachnophobia, perhaps showing Eight-Legged Freaks as the feature draw is a bad idea. Soliciting this information beforehand and through a reasonably private medium such as e-mail would give someone enough time to tell you about any issues and have alternatives arranged, rather than being confronted with a potential problem requiring crisis management and someone feeling really embarrassed about having freaked out over the giant spiders in front of everyone.

[featherynscale]

I often invite people to bring a "toy" ("toy" here having the meaning of non-digital thing to fiddle, play, or build things with) to the party. So people show up with things like bubble-makers or high-powered magnet sets or art cards or modeling clay or ... what-have-you. That tends to provide both an introvert-friendly entertainment source and a safe and interesting thing to start conversations about (avoiding both alarming personal disclosure requirements and how-about-that-sports-team small talk).

[pauamma]

In some cases you may need to be specific or set up a way to get early warningof possible overlaps, lest everyone bring eg, ingredients for ooblick. :-)

[vlion]

I don't know about other people so much, I'm not a very good expert even on myself, but I am on the introvert end of things and these things are what make life better for me, especially with other people I don't know well.

* Stated Activity. Catan, video games, geekery, etc. This provides a mental structure to work/socialize in. Pure socialization with people you don't know well is awkward and I want to go hide so much of the time!

* Quiet. Having loud music ala frat party = sadvlion. No. I'm here to engage other people, not yell at other people "HAVING FUN AREN'T YOU ROCKING PARTY BLAH BLAH BLAH". I've been to those, not interesting conversations, not fun at all.

* Similarly minded mix. If I'm the odd one out... I just kind of awkward penguin around for a bit and leave early. E.g., everyone but me doing the video game du jour.
This also applies to loudmouths: 2-3 loudmouths can ruin a gathering fast.

* Everyone laptopping up: might be a bit awkward unless you're all comfortable being in each other's presence quietly or have an agreed-upon channel to hang out in. I remember a get-together with a mostly deaf person: we just chatted on IRC. It was good, because we had an understanding that That Was OK. If it had been someone just... idling... I would have been suuuuper awkward. Social rules thing again.

* Shared social norms, or at least agreed-upon social norms. This is so important, it can be very awkward when the norms are disjoint and you're a naturally socially awkward person.

[siderea]

Oh, and another thing: It can be useful to me determining if I'm going to a party to have some idea who the other invitees are. Even just to get a sense of scale ("we've posted the invite to a couple 500+ mailing lists" vs. "my three best friends"). I might go to either, but it will let me know what I'm in for, and Knowing In Advance Makes Me More Comfortable. It also allows me to budget my socialization accordingly (especially critical around the holidays!) Also, if I know who is invited, or even just the scenes being tapped[*], that might help me know what the party dynamic is likely to be.

I mention this because bcc'd emailed party invites have none of that information.

[* Imagine my surprise to discover a colleague of mine who no longer worked at my clinic, and who was a published writer of what I will delicately call "erotica", invited both (1) many of the local erotica writing scene, many of whom know me by pseudonym and (2) his ex- and my present boss, and other coworkers. I decided to sit that one out.]

[azurelunatic]

... This is an excellent reason to sit things out.

[firecat]

This is a great thread. I love the "bring a toy" idea. And I definitely agree with vlion about the 2-3 loudmouths. (Although I don't actually care if there is occasional loudness; what I dislike is when 2-3 people dominate the conversation.)

[pauamma]

I'm not quite sure what to make of http://www.futilitycloset.com/?p=29708 (and it's arguably solving the wrong problem) but it reminded me that it's good to have some way for everyone - including latecomers to the gathering or anyone not knowing a lot of the people present - to get an idea of others' interests or tastes without needing to ask or figure it out from clues.

[azurelunatic]

Looks like someone pre-invented Grindr.