Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-10-20 05:04 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2002-10-20 05:04 pm
Working through...
...I'm under a lot of stress over Darkside graduating. I'm going to be going from spending around ten hours a week with him to an unknown, and likely lesser, amount of time with him. It's bad enough for me to be spending less time with a friend, but time with this friend is more than just fun-with-friend time.
I have come to the awareness that I am not entirely to be trusted as the administrator of my mind. On most things, I'm pretty good, but there are not often but regular things I do that go undetected, and if undetected, cause damage. Rather like Galeni going crazy: quietly, and with a lot of collateral damage.
Fortunately for me, Darkside can and will pick up on the subtle things I do when I muck with my own mind and do it wrong, and he will catch me and call me on it. I'm desperately afraid that without my spotter, without proper training in how to catch myself when I do that, that I may do some horrendous things to myself.
Now that I've realized that this is my fear, and that all I need to do is to be as sensitive to my own moods as he is to mine, I've calmed down considerably. I know what he does. It's not a big secret, it's just that he's got near-admin access to my mind, and knows where I've written the root password, though he doesn't touch that unless it's an emergency and he's assessed that I'm not in any shape to be doing anything, and even then, he won't do much beyond emergency repair. He guides me in how to do things rather than doing them for me, which I appreciate beyond telling...
I'm going to be OK. The sharp, bitchy mood has gone away; that's probably been what's on my mind so horribly much.
I have come to the awareness that I am not entirely to be trusted as the administrator of my mind. On most things, I'm pretty good, but there are not often but regular things I do that go undetected, and if undetected, cause damage. Rather like Galeni going crazy: quietly, and with a lot of collateral damage.
Fortunately for me, Darkside can and will pick up on the subtle things I do when I muck with my own mind and do it wrong, and he will catch me and call me on it. I'm desperately afraid that without my spotter, without proper training in how to catch myself when I do that, that I may do some horrendous things to myself.
Now that I've realized that this is my fear, and that all I need to do is to be as sensitive to my own moods as he is to mine, I've calmed down considerably. I know what he does. It's not a big secret, it's just that he's got near-admin access to my mind, and knows where I've written the root password, though he doesn't touch that unless it's an emergency and he's assessed that I'm not in any shape to be doing anything, and even then, he won't do much beyond emergency repair. He guides me in how to do things rather than doing them for me, which I appreciate beyond telling...
I'm going to be OK. The sharp, bitchy mood has gone away; that's probably been what's on my mind so horribly much.
spot checks?
Your idea of governor-things (I forget the exact wording you used, but little psychic watchdog mind bits) sounds a lot like some of my mental-control ideas, and I've had some success with avoiding funks ("I'm horrible and useless and horrible and useless and ...") by using mine. Having a watcher out to explicitly point out "Look, you're skirting funk-like behavior. Why don't you go appreciate sidewalk cracks or something" has helped. Could you set up one to watch for weird behavior and do periodic checkups?
Re: spot checks?
My problem is that I have yet to define a clearly explicit set of depression-behaviours, or upset-behaviours, to myself. I have the idea that once I define what to watch for, the watching will happen of its own accord. "Weird behaviour" is too loose a definition; I'd have to fine-tune it explicitly to me, and define 'normal-for-me' along with it.
I do know that I should never live alone again.