Conservative/Liberal, parents. (originally posted to SA-talk)

[azurelunatic]

For the record, the definitions of conservative and liberal that I learned in my high school psych and history classes (can't separate the two in my head, as it was the same teacher in the same room with pretty much the same students) was this:

Conservative: "We can make things work with pretty much what we're doing now or have done in the past."

Liberal: "Since it's not working now, something must be wrong with it/it must be obsolete. We need to change things."

They corresponded pretty well to reactionary/revolutionary, IIRC.

My mother is avoidant of change, but with the values that one normally associates with liberals (school, choice, art, etc.) and my father seeks out change, and has a more conservative set of values. It's an interesting combination, and life is peaceful, but never boring, around them, unless my father is upgrading a computer or fixing something, in which case it's no longer peaceful...

Sex and religion are two of the things that Weren't Talked About in my household, perhaps out of lack of interest, or perhaps to avoid starting fights, but at one point it became necessary for me to bring the topic up. Indirectly, of course, because I needed a
ride, and I had no car of my own at this point.

My boyfriend and I had agreed that it would be a good idea if I could spend the night at his house on his birthday, as his mother wasn't going to be there for a week. I needed a ride, though, so I chose a time carefully, and asked my parents in general: "I would like a ride to River's house at some time in the evening of the 20th, and I would like to be picked up around 10 am on the 21st."

My mother blew up, and started ranting that she could not *believe* that I had just asked her *permission* to spend the *night* with a *boy*, and what kind of *mother* would she *be* -- (sounding very much like a hen who does not find the provided nest to be to her satisfaction)

--and I smiled sweetly and pointed out that as River was going to be twenty and I was nineteen, it was neither my place to ask for permission nor her place to grant it, and if she'd notice, I didn't ask for permission, I just asked for a ride.

My father, in the rather confused and deflated silence that followed, quietly (and cheerfully) offered me the ride.


They started treating me more like an adult, after that.

Comments

[dmlaenker.livejournal.com]

Whoa! How can I start doing that?

20, living at home, suspended from school....

[azurelunatic]

Let's see...

Hm. I know I had a job, I'd been under a heavy depression for a while and had just gotten out of it, had flunked out of my first year at college in May, had seen my idiot high school beloved married that August, this was November or December...

I was doing the vast majority of the shopping for myself, I could theoretically support myself if I had a car, and I was becoming more independant.

Besides, my mother really had no business in my sex life... other than making sure I was being healthy and safe about things, which is her maternal right, one adult who isn't married to another adult has very little legal say over the other adult's sex life, unless laws are getting broken.

Above all, I didn't put my mother in the position of having to give me permission to go out and get it on. It wasn't hers to give. It was mine, to give or deny myself as I saw fit. My parents aren't given to the "While Under My Roof You Will Abide These Moral Codes" sort of hissyfit, as they're secure that they raised sensible and good children, and they were never big on morals other than the Golden Rule, don't hit your sister, and academic (and other) honesty to start with.

I've never met your parents or really gotten a good look at how they operate. I suppose key in my interaction there was that this was not something special, this was a normal part of my life, and that by making a big fuss over something that I was conducting peaceably, my mother was being a bit unreasonable. (Also, I could have gotten a ride from another friend, or walked, or even taken a taxi. I was just doing them the courtesy of letting them know where I'd be.)

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Heh. Except for the exploding part (my mother didn't), it went pretty much the same way. I wasn't a legal adult yet, but I was older than her first two daughters had been when I finished up my virginity, and out of courtesy for her I told her my plan and asked if she would like to make the doctor's appointment for birth control pills or if I needed to do that myself. Given that I was in high school, but had a job that kept me in spending money, had my own car (parents bought it, the $500 junker, but *I* paid insurance, gas, and maintenance), and had a good relationship with our family doctor, I could just as well have done it myself. I didn't need her permission to get out of school; I just told my teachers I had a doctor's appointment and no one bothered to question me. Hell, I hadn't been stopped for a *hall pass* since Freshman year.

I don't believe I ever spent the night at my boyfriend's house, but we only lived a 15-minute drive apart, so it wasn't a big deal to me. At the time, I wasn't comfortable sleeping next to someone, anyway. I never was, really, until a good 13 years later.

[azurelunatic]

My mother's a little old-fashioned at times.

She didn't want to say anything to alienate me when I was with Shawn; she trod lightly around BJ. River she welcomed happily, and was thus able to fuss over.

Re:

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Chris is only the second guy I ever dated seriously that my parents liked. The first was my first boyfriend...when I was eight. My mother's a little old-fashioned, yes, but she was really good at making sure we had little to nothing to rebel against. It worked pretty well. She was pretty set on "if you're going to do it, don't do it *here*", even to the point that when Mark visited (and we were engaged, and we *weren't* having sex yet), she got upset that I stayed up late talking to him and we both slept on the fold-out couch...we were both fully *clothed* for goodness' sake, but she still freaked and got pissed.