Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-11-12 07:14 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2002-11-12 07:14 pm
*sigh*
Haven't been feeling particularly good lately. Part of it is the cold, and the other part's the unconfronted issues building up.
We're all perfectionists in our own merry little ways, and not all of us (OK, none of us) are great at communicating.
I don't want to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and set off something that I didn't know was there, or that bad. Lately, when I say anything that's been an issue, it seems like it triggers a meltdown, and it always feels as if I've said it at the exact wrong time, hurting more than healing. I tend to leave things until they must be said... and points I feel would be good to say them at are the wrong points. The exact wrong points.
So I say nothing. Again. Not even to myself.
I've become very good at not talking to myself. I'm trying to become better, but sometimes I still lack the self-confidence to do so. It doesn't help that I feel like I've gone through a rough divorce, and that my beloved best friend is not good at the communication thing, no matter how many times I reach out and want to talk to him, it's only rarely that he returns the contact in any way...
I want things to be done right, and I have problems when things are being done in a way I consider wrong, or even if I know that there's a better way to do things. Efficiency, gotta love it. Even though I'm hardly the model of it.
I have hard times interacting with other people. The closer someone is to me, the easier it is to understand why they do the things they do, how it is that they can think the way they do; by understanding, things don't irritate me half as much once I understand why.
The further someone is from me, the more likely I am to get grouchy with them for being unorthodox to the natural flow of things in any given area.
When someone avoids me, it says to me that they don't like me, don't like spending time with me. Especially if they're close to me, or have been close to me in the past: they should know that while I'm introverted to the vast majority of the population, I need human contact, and get far worse if left alone. Talking to me may be out of the question, and in fact may be the absolute wrong thing, but coming physically near in silence is a good way to let me know that if I need someone, you're there, and you're not saying that just as an empty politeness. Saying you're there for me with your voice but not with your body says that you're not there, not all the way, not so I can trust you.
We're all perfectionists in our own merry little ways, and not all of us (OK, none of us) are great at communicating.
I don't want to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and set off something that I didn't know was there, or that bad. Lately, when I say anything that's been an issue, it seems like it triggers a meltdown, and it always feels as if I've said it at the exact wrong time, hurting more than healing. I tend to leave things until they must be said... and points I feel would be good to say them at are the wrong points. The exact wrong points.
So I say nothing. Again. Not even to myself.
I've become very good at not talking to myself. I'm trying to become better, but sometimes I still lack the self-confidence to do so. It doesn't help that I feel like I've gone through a rough divorce, and that my beloved best friend is not good at the communication thing, no matter how many times I reach out and want to talk to him, it's only rarely that he returns the contact in any way...
I want things to be done right, and I have problems when things are being done in a way I consider wrong, or even if I know that there's a better way to do things. Efficiency, gotta love it. Even though I'm hardly the model of it.
I have hard times interacting with other people. The closer someone is to me, the easier it is to understand why they do the things they do, how it is that they can think the way they do; by understanding, things don't irritate me half as much once I understand why.
The further someone is from me, the more likely I am to get grouchy with them for being unorthodox to the natural flow of things in any given area.
When someone avoids me, it says to me that they don't like me, don't like spending time with me. Especially if they're close to me, or have been close to me in the past: they should know that while I'm introverted to the vast majority of the population, I need human contact, and get far worse if left alone. Talking to me may be out of the question, and in fact may be the absolute wrong thing, but coming physically near in silence is a good way to let me know that if I need someone, you're there, and you're not saying that just as an empty politeness. Saying you're there for me with your voice but not with your body says that you're not there, not all the way, not so I can trust you.
always there, yet unseen
D.E.
Thanks.
I learned that no matter what people say, sometimes, they're not always there... trust no one. I'm scared that if I put you to the test, you won't be there.... silly fear, but I've got it nonetheless. Sometimes I just need to be whacked over the head with a great big clue stick. AND NOT the blue one in that box in my bedroom!!
Part of the stuff I have going on with Darkside is that he has been there, even when I thought he wouldn't be. Every single time he sees me hurting, he's there for me with fierce protectiveness. Even if it is in his own kooky way. A lot of the things that he doesn't see, he doesn't see because I don't show him, for fear of scaring him away, because he sees me too weak too often, because I can bear to show him everything that hurts -- except the places where he hurts me, because he doesn't know how badly it hurts, and I think that might destroy him.