Why would this memory come back so strongly now?

[azurelunatic]

Darkside and I were sitting on the beat-up couch-bench outside the computer lab, waiting for Votania. There was a moment where our eyes met, and we both knew how very much we wanted to kiss.

We both turned away. "It would break her heart," I said, and he agreed with me, and we didn't touch.

Comments

days gone by

[votania.livejournal.com]

there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret dating him. It was one of many mistakes I've made in my life. By my stupidity I've hurt two people greatly, and EVERY DAY I try to find some way to fix it. If it wasn't for me, you two would be together now and happy... I cannot tell you how sorry I am.

D.E.

Re: days gone by

[azurelunatic]

I learned more than I can ever say from you two dating.

I learned that just because two of my friends had a bond that didn't include me, that I was still not shut out.

I learned that I could love someone and bear not to touch them.

If not for the difficult lessons I learned in that time, I don't know if I would have become a person who could love him as he needs to be loved.

Your being together did more to cure me of all the damage that Shawn did in getting together with Christel than I think you know.

If ever I begin to doubt just how much you care about me, I think back to that time and know that, if anything, we've gotten closer. I would have had a hard time getting through these past few months without that knowledge.

together

[azurelunatic]

And make no mistake, even though he and I are not dating, we're still together. Half DeVry thinks we're dating or engaged, or married or something, and the other half hasn't seen us togther.

I am, in a very bizarre way, glad that he and I have had this chance to build our friendship strong before going any further with it. Whether he and I do start getting romantic or not, we'll always have that friendship. It can hold up to me being in love with him, it can hold up to him not being in love with me, it can hold up to him living in Mesa, it can hold up to me getting up at five-thirty in the morning, it can hold up to my breakdowns...

...For me, time proves out my love. If I'm interested in someone longer than a month, there's something there. If I'm interested beyond a year, past the point where I know it's not just because you dated him and I don't want you to have a toy that you don't share with me (I had that impulse with some of Narcissa's boyfriends, so I know it's an issue, but I never followed through), I know it's serious.

I know I should be terrified of what would happen if he and I actually did do something. I'm afraid that I might have the capability to be so shallow as to lose interest after I had him. Rational thought tells me, though, that since he's been this close to me this long, and I still haven't gotten to the point where I'd want to shove him away, I'm not likely to get there by just bringing our physical intimacy to the point where our minds have been already.

I know a good part of my present maturity has been gained through my sometimes frustrating relationship with him. I suspect I wouldn't be half as stable as I am now, had I not had those experiences. I know emotional upset in me hurts him too. I don't know if we'd have been happy together, he and I, without both growing first. I'd hate to have Darkside become another Shawn, another BJ. Now, I can be sure that he won't.