Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-11-16 09:20 am
azurelunatic) wrote2002-11-16 09:20 am
And more from the we-can't-touch-each-other era...
The memory of us singing together that I find most amusing was from driving to pick up Votania to go to the renfair on the first day that we were going, back in 2001. He had an Olivia Newton John tape (his dad's) in his car.
I was multiple at this time, more strongly so than now, and in the shower that night, I got the extended version of the debate over Darkside's taste in music. Mona thought it was sweet. Joan-prime kind of liked it... Azz thought it SUCKED! Shanna was laughing too hard to put a vote in.
...Those had to have been among the most difficult several weeks in my life. Not only was I alone and lonely, I was in love: with someone who was taken, someone who couldn't completely stop sending the signals at me, just as I was sending them right back at him, though we were both pretending we weren't, for the sakes of propriety and friendship...
I suppose that was when he learned to ignore it. He learned other things, too, of great value. I regret Shawn not for my love of the time, but for the fact that he was and is an ass, and I have only recently learned how to see that...
I wonder what would have happened had Shawn and I parted ways at the end of that summer, with me going off to college elsewhere, him remaining in Fairbanks. We never would have had that blowup around January...
It never occurred to me until just this moment to parallel Darkside's situation with Shawn/me.... with Darkside equal to me. Darkside had the distinct advantage that Votania has never been an ass. It's far easier to recover from a first love to someone who just isn't the right fit when that someone is a complete ass. No wonder he's taken so long... I foreSaw at one point that the situation with Darkside had the distinct possibility to mirror Shawn. I had assumed that it would mirror Shawn with Darkside taking Shawn's role. But... that, with Darkside being the innocent hanging after the unsuitable-for-them, would make sense. And the heartbreak that followed. Thank the gods that Votania's not Shawn and never will be. Thank the gods that there were no tearful emotional yelling scenes. Thank the gods that Darkside didn't have to stand and pretend to smile at a too-soon wedding, host a bachelor party. It took me two years to finally recover from that nightmare. Thank the gods that Darkside never was abused in that relationship, that no one took his brain and dragged it through someone else's bad trip. Thank the gods that we the Circle have had each other to learn and grow with...
I was multiple at this time, more strongly so than now, and in the shower that night, I got the extended version of the debate over Darkside's taste in music. Mona thought it was sweet. Joan-prime kind of liked it... Azz thought it SUCKED! Shanna was laughing too hard to put a vote in.
...Those had to have been among the most difficult several weeks in my life. Not only was I alone and lonely, I was in love: with someone who was taken, someone who couldn't completely stop sending the signals at me, just as I was sending them right back at him, though we were both pretending we weren't, for the sakes of propriety and friendship...
I suppose that was when he learned to ignore it. He learned other things, too, of great value. I regret Shawn not for my love of the time, but for the fact that he was and is an ass, and I have only recently learned how to see that...
I wonder what would have happened had Shawn and I parted ways at the end of that summer, with me going off to college elsewhere, him remaining in Fairbanks. We never would have had that blowup around January...
It never occurred to me until just this moment to parallel Darkside's situation with Shawn/me.... with Darkside equal to me. Darkside had the distinct advantage that Votania has never been an ass. It's far easier to recover from a first love to someone who just isn't the right fit when that someone is a complete ass. No wonder he's taken so long... I foreSaw at one point that the situation with Darkside had the distinct possibility to mirror Shawn. I had assumed that it would mirror Shawn with Darkside taking Shawn's role. But... that, with Darkside being the innocent hanging after the unsuitable-for-them, would make sense. And the heartbreak that followed. Thank the gods that Votania's not Shawn and never will be. Thank the gods that there were no tearful emotional yelling scenes. Thank the gods that Darkside didn't have to stand and pretend to smile at a too-soon wedding, host a bachelor party. It took me two years to finally recover from that nightmare. Thank the gods that Darkside never was abused in that relationship, that no one took his brain and dragged it through someone else's bad trip. Thank the gods that we the Circle have had each other to learn and grow with...