Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-11-23 03:19 am
azurelunatic) wrote2002-11-23 03:19 am
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How I Came to Meet Darkside: Darkside
Even when Darkside and I were finally at the same school as each other, it took an external force to introduce us. On the first day of school, I looked around the room. I saw preppies everywhere, and exactly two people who looked like they'd be worth taking the time to know: the skinny short Oriental guy with the limp, and the girl with the beat-up backpack and the leather trenchcoat.
She, of course, was![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
votania, and we were fast friends from that day on, after I made sure to stand with her in line for the freshman lunch, and we the newbie goths gathered, raven-dark and croaking, over our lunches on the steps in the courtyard. Votania and I were in all our classes together, of course, and she let me know that there was another one of Us in the school, one I hadn't met yet, and he and she had breakfast together in the mornings: I should come sometimes and hang out: I was more than welcome to.
One day, I did.
I was careful to try to not miss a day, after that. Darkside was witty, sharp, caustic, and a delight to spend time with. I developed an immediate minor crush on him, as he resembled someone back home who I'd had a crush on. The three of us meshed, clicked, worked excellently-well as a team. I had a detailed bond to each of them active at almost all hours of the day, not necessarily transmitting more than a carrier wave, just... connected.
One particular day, Darkside and I, for the first time, Worked together, just the two of us. The details of the Working are not particularly relevant, but the energy flow between us, the way our energies locked together as tightly and naturally as our hands, smooth, sweet and stunning, made me wonder why this had never happened before... Something happened, something was triggered, and I fell immediately into the worst stages of infatuation, goofily giggling and grinning all over the place. Votania and I figured out that something was unnaturally wrong, and managed to trace it to a bungled love spell from someone who thought he was doing Darkside a favor. (Late-breaking wonderment: was it something old that got triggered??? From not-shrimpy??) She removed it from me, but by that point, what had happened had happened, and my subsequent love for Darkside was all mine.
Things got worse with BJ, and I spent more and more time on the phone with Votania, and especially on the phone with Darkside, late-night hours sitting outside on the balcony, stargazing, shivering, lighting lotus incense, spilling myself out in words, letting him return with bits of himself. There wasn't much of him, at first, in the torrent of anime-geekery and movies, but bit by bit, he started to show who he was, by his words and silences. He learned me, and I learned him, and we both learned to resent BJ, for being engaged to me, not appreciating me though claiming to worship me -- and to resent Shawn, for having me, and not holding me... for breaking me, and not building me.
It was partly BJ who helped trigger the bizarrity, by pointing out that Darkside was in love with Votania. She and I girl-talked over it. I realized how very much I failed to trust BJ, and broke up with him. Votania and I girl-talked more, and things fell out so that I told Darkside, one day, how I felt for him.
He had to take a while to think about it. For the sake of Votania, I didn't kiss him that day, because she deserved a chance at him too...
The mechanics of things thereafter are complex enough that they make a story in themselves. He and Votania wound up together, and made an adorable couple. I tried to not hurt too hard, and they made sure to hug me as much as I needed, which went a long way towards healing some of the Shawn-inflicted damage that happened when Shawn chose his bride over me.
The three of us grew closer. Darkside and I grew closer as well. Long conversations with him were the rule, rather than the exception. (Evidently that was not always the case, with him and Votania...) After I moved into my new apartment, away from BJ, Darkside sat up two hours past his bedtime comforting me as I cried on the phone, telling him all about Shawn, and what happened on Terrible Tuesday. I stopped stuttering about that, as much, afterwards.
It was the spring of 2001, only five short months after moving to Phoenix. So much had happened. I barely remembered my self-that-was.
votania's car began to die. She had to move closer to school. She and I moved in together. She and Darkside broke up. I tried to give Darkside time, and space, to heal. I started an online journal. His family moved a good 40 miles from school, making his commutes longer, more wearying, moving him out of the same neighborhood as his high school best and only friend. He stopped talking about his best friend so much. Votania's car broke down. Our childcare situation fell through, and Votania had to withdraw from school. It was just him and me, together, after that, in the mornings.
We grew close. I gained best friend status. Our normal silly battering of each other turned into heated grudge-matches. We learned about each other. I gave him someone to talk to. He held my hand and helped me heal. I helped him not be lonely. We've grown together.
She, of course, was
votania, and we were fast friends from that day on, after I made sure to stand with her in line for the freshman lunch, and we the newbie goths gathered, raven-dark and croaking, over our lunches on the steps in the courtyard. Votania and I were in all our classes together, of course, and she let me know that there was another one of Us in the school, one I hadn't met yet, and he and she had breakfast together in the mornings: I should come sometimes and hang out: I was more than welcome to. One day, I did.
I was careful to try to not miss a day, after that. Darkside was witty, sharp, caustic, and a delight to spend time with. I developed an immediate minor crush on him, as he resembled someone back home who I'd had a crush on. The three of us meshed, clicked, worked excellently-well as a team. I had a detailed bond to each of them active at almost all hours of the day, not necessarily transmitting more than a carrier wave, just... connected.
One particular day, Darkside and I, for the first time, Worked together, just the two of us. The details of the Working are not particularly relevant, but the energy flow between us, the way our energies locked together as tightly and naturally as our hands, smooth, sweet and stunning, made me wonder why this had never happened before... Something happened, something was triggered, and I fell immediately into the worst stages of infatuation, goofily giggling and grinning all over the place. Votania and I figured out that something was unnaturally wrong, and managed to trace it to a bungled love spell from someone who thought he was doing Darkside a favor. (Late-breaking wonderment: was it something old that got triggered??? From not-shrimpy??) She removed it from me, but by that point, what had happened had happened, and my subsequent love for Darkside was all mine.
Things got worse with BJ, and I spent more and more time on the phone with Votania, and especially on the phone with Darkside, late-night hours sitting outside on the balcony, stargazing, shivering, lighting lotus incense, spilling myself out in words, letting him return with bits of himself. There wasn't much of him, at first, in the torrent of anime-geekery and movies, but bit by bit, he started to show who he was, by his words and silences. He learned me, and I learned him, and we both learned to resent BJ, for being engaged to me, not appreciating me though claiming to worship me -- and to resent Shawn, for having me, and not holding me... for breaking me, and not building me.
It was partly BJ who helped trigger the bizarrity, by pointing out that Darkside was in love with Votania. She and I girl-talked over it. I realized how very much I failed to trust BJ, and broke up with him. Votania and I girl-talked more, and things fell out so that I told Darkside, one day, how I felt for him.
He had to take a while to think about it. For the sake of Votania, I didn't kiss him that day, because she deserved a chance at him too...
The mechanics of things thereafter are complex enough that they make a story in themselves. He and Votania wound up together, and made an adorable couple. I tried to not hurt too hard, and they made sure to hug me as much as I needed, which went a long way towards healing some of the Shawn-inflicted damage that happened when Shawn chose his bride over me.
The three of us grew closer. Darkside and I grew closer as well. Long conversations with him were the rule, rather than the exception. (Evidently that was not always the case, with him and Votania...) After I moved into my new apartment, away from BJ, Darkside sat up two hours past his bedtime comforting me as I cried on the phone, telling him all about Shawn, and what happened on Terrible Tuesday. I stopped stuttering about that, as much, afterwards.
It was the spring of 2001, only five short months after moving to Phoenix. So much had happened. I barely remembered my self-that-was.
votania's car began to die. She had to move closer to school. She and I moved in together. She and Darkside broke up. I tried to give Darkside time, and space, to heal. I started an online journal. His family moved a good 40 miles from school, making his commutes longer, more wearying, moving him out of the same neighborhood as his high school best and only friend. He stopped talking about his best friend so much. Votania's car broke down. Our childcare situation fell through, and Votania had to withdraw from school. It was just him and me, together, after that, in the mornings. We grew close. I gained best friend status. Our normal silly battering of each other turned into heated grudge-matches. We learned about each other. I gave him someone to talk to. He held my hand and helped me heal. I helped him not be lonely. We've grown together.
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Thanks.
His own stories are still his to tell. I could have the words to tell of the years that are his, before my eyes were added to his world, but I could only make them empty, knowing that he is too proud, and too shy, to share himself with the world.
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