Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2001-07-25 08:03 am
azurelunatic) wrote2001-07-25 08:03 am
versus
Oy. While it's nice that Darkside likes my attention, he is accustomed to having a rather lot of it. I notice this just now...
This morning's uncomfortable moment:
First, I started off things by saying something insensitive about sex. I won't go into it here -- it's not particularly bad or anything; the discussion just doesn't need to be reiterated. Suffice to say that it was a short monolog from me on the subject of sex and how much I wanted some.
"You know that phrase 'open mouth, insert foot'?" Darkside asked. "Well, open your mouth . . . here's my foot." He usually says things like this in a tone of sarcastic amusement. This wasn't. This was sharp and serious and made me realize how the fuck much I'd just hurt him.
I covered my face and turned away. I didn't mean it to sound like that. I wanted you to laugh at me and make jokes about my ex-fiance and make taunting noises about Dave being in Germany for the next few years.
. . .
I didn't mean to hurt you, my love.
. . .
Then Darkside smacked me on the shoulder. "Snap out of it," he said.
"Out of what?"
"You were acting like a lovesick puppy. Stop it. You may feel like a lovesick puppy, but don't look like one. C'mon."
His voice was back to normal. There were grins exchanged, and he discussed the plot of Back to the Future until he suddenly realized that the computer labs were open.
(The labs open at seven -- sometimes a a little after. This morning they'd opened about five minutes before seven. I'd noticed, but was waiting for him to notice, which he finally did at about 7:15.)
We had our usual race to see what was up with the Fanboy Otaku Gamer's Club and he won. He's in class now. I've only got two hours of class today; he's got four. Nyah-nyah.
In summary: Dave's very concerned (more than he wants me to know) that Darkside will make a move on me before Dave and I get a chance to get together face to face, and then I will be Darkside's girl. Darkside is concerned that my newly re-awakened thing for Dave will interfere with our friendship; beyond "interfere with our friendship and take up time of hers that used to be solely devoted to me," I cannot tell what is my wishful imagination and what is Darkside actually thinking of me as potentially more than a friend.
This morning's uncomfortable moment:
First, I started off things by saying something insensitive about sex. I won't go into it here -- it's not particularly bad or anything; the discussion just doesn't need to be reiterated. Suffice to say that it was a short monolog from me on the subject of sex and how much I wanted some.
"You know that phrase 'open mouth, insert foot'?" Darkside asked. "Well, open your mouth . . . here's my foot." He usually says things like this in a tone of sarcastic amusement. This wasn't. This was sharp and serious and made me realize how the fuck much I'd just hurt him.
I covered my face and turned away. I didn't mean it to sound like that. I wanted you to laugh at me and make jokes about my ex-fiance and make taunting noises about Dave being in Germany for the next few years.
. . .
I didn't mean to hurt you, my love.
. . .
Then Darkside smacked me on the shoulder. "Snap out of it," he said.
"Out of what?"
"You were acting like a lovesick puppy. Stop it. You may feel like a lovesick puppy, but don't look like one. C'mon."
His voice was back to normal. There were grins exchanged, and he discussed the plot of Back to the Future until he suddenly realized that the computer labs were open.
(The labs open at seven -- sometimes a a little after. This morning they'd opened about five minutes before seven. I'd noticed, but was waiting for him to notice, which he finally did at about 7:15.)
We had our usual race to see what was up with the Fanboy Otaku Gamer's Club and he won. He's in class now. I've only got two hours of class today; he's got four. Nyah-nyah.
In summary: Dave's very concerned (more than he wants me to know) that Darkside will make a move on me before Dave and I get a chance to get together face to face, and then I will be Darkside's girl. Darkside is concerned that my newly re-awakened thing for Dave will interfere with our friendship; beyond "interfere with our friendship and take up time of hers that used to be solely devoted to me," I cannot tell what is my wishful imagination and what is Darkside actually thinking of me as potentially more than a friend.
no subject
Well, *duh*...
...I just have historically always made time for Darkside. Now I'm taking away some of Darkside's time with me in order to make time for Dave...
...argh. boys.
Re: Well, *duh*...
Actually...
Re: Actually...
anyway, good luck with life! (-:
Re: Actually...
Basically, that meant that half my BIS class group was right out ... I think there was one other person in that group that read science fiction at all, and he also switched over to CIS. Next semester I will endeavor to get a schedule that has the vast majority of my classes with 4CDA, which will be my class group then, so that I can better bond with them... there are bound to be lots of fun people in there. Now, I've got English with the EE guys, Econ with a mixed bag, mostly male, mostly Engineering of some flavour, Accounting with 5BDA (I'd far rather be with the rest of 3CDA, but it doesn't jive, schedule-wise), and CIS 120 with the night students, who are an even more mixed bunch.
I hang with the anime club guys, when I'm not with Darkside and Sis, and they're great. Mostly, the fact that I've got two best friends who are also best friends with each other forms the impression of a clique of some sort, and the fact that we talk about Scary Things and have thick non-school reference books and Tarot cards laid out all over the table at breakfast does tend to drive some people who would otherwise say Hi right in the other direction.
:)
Re: Actually...
of course, i am socially inept and not very sure how to participate in anything groupish in appearance, so maybe i would just smile wistfully and walk away. we'll never know.
Re: Actually...
I started joining them for breakfast.
After that, it was rare to see us apart between classes...
If you walked by and smiled at us enough times (like, twice) odds are that one or more of us three would have grinned back, especially after spying the deck and the book, and the fourth seat at the table would have been indicated to you. There are always a number of interesting people walking by and sitting down for a bit and chatting ... some of them come back, some of them don't; some of them are really interested in what we were talking about before they sat down; some aren't... some people (like Shrimpy) get threatened with pointy objects ... in fact, *only* Shrimpy has been threatened with a pointy object ... and in that school, it's surprising....
no subject
No more rushing...
I'll see what happens. But I always overestimate the time requirements when it comes to Darkside. The guy moves *fast*, emotionally and mentally, and I'm not sure I can keep up with him. It may end up a matter of Darkside rushing me, and me struggling to keep my head on straight. I'll do my best trying, though...
Livejournal is my safety valve. Here I can steam about stuff to people who *know* me from reading my journal, who *know* Darkside and Sis and Dude and Dave and so on ... but who aren't in the middle of the situation. So once I've blown up and cried online, I can go back to Darkside with a smiling face and talk about the world rationally.
But Darkside's seen me when I'm weakest ... he sat up one night with me while I re-lived the worst month of my life ... he calmed me down after I encountered a complete psycho on the phone at work ... and yet I don't think he thinks he's close to me.