Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-01-23 12:37 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2003-01-23 12:37 pm
Entry tags:
14, bi, and curious as hell
My friends discovered that I was bisexual in my freshman year of high school. I hadn't really given it much thought until then. I'd been on a husband-hunt since I was 5, so I, and everyone in my immediate vicinity, was aware that I liked guys.
I don't remember anyone ever explaining the concept of "lesbian" to me. I do remember, vaguely, that 'gay' had to be redefined in my head when I learned that the most common current usage was to mean guys that liked to hop on top of other guys, and not 'happy' like it meant in all the old books.
I do remember, because I wrote it down, the day I learned that one of my better friends, Savil, was a lesbian. (Those familiar with those particular bits of Lackey note that both the caustic wit and the magic are the reasons for her picking that name...) It surprised me some, but it didn't jar my image of her at all.
I never considered bisexuality when I thought of sexuality at all. Either you were 'like Savil', or you were straight. Heinlein heroines were smart, bisexual, and horny, but they were fictional. It wasn't something I considered for real people, I suppose.
My freshman year boyfriend-type-person[1] Bugs Potter[2] told me that he thought that I would be happier if I were bisexual. I rambled about it in my journal for a bit, having looked it up in the dictionary and determined that he meant "sexually attracted to both men and women", not "a species having two sexes". I commented that I would not have a problem if I in fact were attracted to both men and women, but I wasn't even sure if I were attracted to guys. That's what I wrote; I have reason to believe that my analytical function at the time was separate from my sexual function, because I distinctly recall my hormones switching on at the beginning of that year, and being so horny I couldn't stand it because of this one guy who was just gorgeous.
At any rate, I was convinced that I was straight because I liked guys. I recall thinking, once, that I would have been in love with Galadriel if I were 'like Savil', but, sadly, I liked guys too much to give up being in love with them.
One morning, on Beltane, as it happened, Bugs and I were planning to walk from the school annex to the main school building together. Now, when we did this, we walked on the trail through the woods, and we generally made out. But since we weren't a couple, we didn't want to be seen together, so one of us would go first, the other would catch up, we'd remain out of sight, and then leave seperately. This day, he was going first. I paused in the ladies' room, brushed hair and re-applied lipstick, and wandered out of the building.
I saw Bugs, already halfway across the football field, walking with the prettiest senior, the one in band that he'd had the crush on, the one who was dating Savil.
I was more amused than anything, because he was just a smooching buddy, and I had nothing to be jealous about. Envious, perhaps, that he was getting to converse with his Major Crush Object where mine thought I was an icky giiiiirl, and a little disappointed that the snogging session had been called off, but otherwise amused. I caught up to them and joined in the conversation. For the rest of the day, Bugs was terrified that I was going to kill him.
Bugs and I talked on the phone after school. I finally got him calmed down and accepting the fact that I was not mad at him; I would have done the same thing in his situation. In fact, had I had the exact same situation, with the gorgeous cool senior waiting for me to walk with her, I would have gladly ditched him.
"Isn't she hot, though!" Bugs enthused, finally chilled out and more certain of his continued existence. It must have been a dire shock to him when I said, "Yeah," in cheerful agreement.
Some fun-for-the-whole-family phone tag ensued after I hung up on his gibbering statements that I was a lesbian and had perhaps been getting it on with Savil this whole time and not telling him about it. He evidently called Savil, who calmed him down, and extracted the news from him; she called me, then he tried calling both of us...
Savil asked if I were bisexual. I hadn't the foggiest. She questioned me, and found out that yes, I would date a woman, kiss a woman, sleep with a woman. So?
So, I was bisexual. Big whoop-te-doo.
It was more of a theoretical thing at that point, as my hormones had never become engaged. Theoretically, Savil's girlfriend was hot, just as theoretically, some of the guys were hot. There were a few guys who were practically hot, but not too many.
At camp that summer, of course, I ran into the Lady E., and my hormones switched right on. Yep, I was bisexual all right...
[1] there was a complex situation, involving him attempting to set me up with a person very much like a larval Darkside, resulting in a mad unrequited crush and making out with Bugs
[2] nickname from the Gordon Korman book of the same title: a fanatic drummer guy
I don't remember anyone ever explaining the concept of "lesbian" to me. I do remember, vaguely, that 'gay' had to be redefined in my head when I learned that the most common current usage was to mean guys that liked to hop on top of other guys, and not 'happy' like it meant in all the old books.
I do remember, because I wrote it down, the day I learned that one of my better friends, Savil, was a lesbian. (Those familiar with those particular bits of Lackey note that both the caustic wit and the magic are the reasons for her picking that name...) It surprised me some, but it didn't jar my image of her at all.
I never considered bisexuality when I thought of sexuality at all. Either you were 'like Savil', or you were straight. Heinlein heroines were smart, bisexual, and horny, but they were fictional. It wasn't something I considered for real people, I suppose.
My freshman year boyfriend-type-person[1] Bugs Potter[2] told me that he thought that I would be happier if I were bisexual. I rambled about it in my journal for a bit, having looked it up in the dictionary and determined that he meant "sexually attracted to both men and women", not "a species having two sexes". I commented that I would not have a problem if I in fact were attracted to both men and women, but I wasn't even sure if I were attracted to guys. That's what I wrote; I have reason to believe that my analytical function at the time was separate from my sexual function, because I distinctly recall my hormones switching on at the beginning of that year, and being so horny I couldn't stand it because of this one guy who was just gorgeous.
At any rate, I was convinced that I was straight because I liked guys. I recall thinking, once, that I would have been in love with Galadriel if I were 'like Savil', but, sadly, I liked guys too much to give up being in love with them.
One morning, on Beltane, as it happened, Bugs and I were planning to walk from the school annex to the main school building together. Now, when we did this, we walked on the trail through the woods, and we generally made out. But since we weren't a couple, we didn't want to be seen together, so one of us would go first, the other would catch up, we'd remain out of sight, and then leave seperately. This day, he was going first. I paused in the ladies' room, brushed hair and re-applied lipstick, and wandered out of the building.
I saw Bugs, already halfway across the football field, walking with the prettiest senior, the one in band that he'd had the crush on, the one who was dating Savil.
I was more amused than anything, because he was just a smooching buddy, and I had nothing to be jealous about. Envious, perhaps, that he was getting to converse with his Major Crush Object where mine thought I was an icky giiiiirl, and a little disappointed that the snogging session had been called off, but otherwise amused. I caught up to them and joined in the conversation. For the rest of the day, Bugs was terrified that I was going to kill him.
Bugs and I talked on the phone after school. I finally got him calmed down and accepting the fact that I was not mad at him; I would have done the same thing in his situation. In fact, had I had the exact same situation, with the gorgeous cool senior waiting for me to walk with her, I would have gladly ditched him.
"Isn't she hot, though!" Bugs enthused, finally chilled out and more certain of his continued existence. It must have been a dire shock to him when I said, "Yeah," in cheerful agreement.
Some fun-for-the-whole-family phone tag ensued after I hung up on his gibbering statements that I was a lesbian and had perhaps been getting it on with Savil this whole time and not telling him about it. He evidently called Savil, who calmed him down, and extracted the news from him; she called me, then he tried calling both of us...
Savil asked if I were bisexual. I hadn't the foggiest. She questioned me, and found out that yes, I would date a woman, kiss a woman, sleep with a woman. So?
So, I was bisexual. Big whoop-te-doo.
It was more of a theoretical thing at that point, as my hormones had never become engaged. Theoretically, Savil's girlfriend was hot, just as theoretically, some of the guys were hot. There were a few guys who were practically hot, but not too many.
At camp that summer, of course, I ran into the Lady E., and my hormones switched right on. Yep, I was bisexual all right...
[1] there was a complex situation, involving him attempting to set me up with a person very much like a larval Darkside, resulting in a mad unrequited crush and making out with Bugs
[2] nickname from the Gordon Korman book of the same title: a fanatic drummer guy
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