azurelunatic | (no subject)

I wonder if he sits up nights with these same doubts and fears. It's terrifying to know oneself to be not alone by choice or by chance, but by nature, if one is truly not a loner...

I've laid my heart open to him. He knows the way I think, react... there must be something of me that is intimately familiar to him from his long years of being alone with himself. Why, if he does not find the icky details at the bottom of my soul repulsive, does he fear that I will withdraw if he shares too much of himself?

I can't answer for him. I can't even know for sure if he's afraid to show himself, or does not wish to, or any of the reasons that could account for the perceived inequality between how much I show of myself to him, and how much he reveals to me.

Thinking about it quietly, though, the percentage that he opens up and that I open up... I'm naturally more open than he is. Hell, I keep an online journal. You can find me by real name through Google. His name returns no hits. That he's shown me as much of himself as he has is astonishing.

I want to see what's down there in him. If he can brave my grungies, I think I might be able to brave his...