Thoughts

[azurelunatic]

iroshi's old entries, backdated, from before she started her LJ. Interesting read, that.

I'm coming to realize just how much of my LJ is performance art. I write, have always written, my journals knowing that someone will be reading them in the future. I always thought it would be my kids.

I've been uncertain about the idea of having kids ever since I hit puberty and my father's temper. God damn, that guy can be one freaky experience. He's strong and he's Powerful, and having a barely controlled mage-rage aimed in your direction is not a fun thing to live through. Not once, let alone many times throughout childhood.

(I'm still horribly proud of putting a lid on that.)

I'm feeling ambiguous about kids. I do and I don't want any. Right now, Little Fayoumis is almost enough to satisfy my need for motherhood: I take care of him regularly, have strong input into his upbringing... but when the day's done, he's still not mine. I could, theoretically, bid farewell to templeravenmoon at any time, and not be legally obligated to pay child support. (I would feel morally obligated to do so, but that's another story.) I love him and he loves me, but I'm not his mother, I never will be, and I don't want to be. I get a total kick out of contributing to his education and being strong in votania and marxdarx's weak areas, but where maternal love and patience come in, I have a sad lack. I still doubt my ability to take care of a child full-time by myself.

I'm still a slacker. Yes, I do things, but I procrastinate. This year has been one of the most amazingly together years I've had. My GPA is likely around 2.5 by now, but hell, I'm still there. I haven't dropped out. I have let my grades fall, I have slacked on assignments... but I'm not giving up this time.

At last check, my Tarot card was Strength. I think of myself as both physically and mentally weak compared to who I should be, but people around me compare me against themselves and think of me as both mentally and physically strong.

I'm self-destructive at times; at other, rarer, times, I'm just barely on the passive side of suicidal.

I have a difficult time caring about people without a strong connection. Indifference is more deadly than hate. I care how River is doing. I care about my family. I care about votania and the Little Fayoumis. I don't have that strong of a connection with marxdarx; he's around, so I care about him. That's a friendship that needs constant renewing, or it fades out painlessly.

I care about Darkside. Gods. I care about him far more than I do many people. It's getting easier, without him every day by me. He's one of the people I'll care about past death.

I care about iroshi and sithjawa. There's a connection there. Two connections. Different kinds of connections. ;) I care somewhat about all my LJ friends; either that, or they have interesting writing. I cycle my friends list, and keep the people who are interesting, and the people who I care about. People who I keep for a while, then delete are likely good, fine, nice people, and I would probably leave them on my friends list if I were to get to know them in person... or not.

...I do that with IRL friends, too. For a while, I'll get friendly with a new person... and then they'll fade out. wiredferret had something on that in her journal a while back. Another fade-out friendship; she's still interesting, and she's busy, and I post a lot... understandable that I'd leave her friends list. No hard feelings. A minor twinge, that our worldviews have such gaping differences...