Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-03-02 10:28 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2003-03-02 10:28 pm
Inspiration (I never knew)
I never knew I could be an inspiration to someone just by being who I am and being my stubborn bitch self.
I'm walking wounded, walking weird. Some of you already know that there's more than one of me in my head. There's me. I'm the primary personality, the one that most of you see every day. Then there's![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
garnetdagger, who kicks ass and takes names when we need it. Then there's Marah, who deals with life's bullshit, and isn't too fond of it either. Then ... well, there are four of us, and she doesn't come out much. I have good days and I have bad days. I have days where everything is dancing and singing and wonderful, and I have so much energy, and I have days when the world is shit and I am worse. I have days when the world would be great, but I can't manage to drag my ass out of bed. There are days when the world is just sucky, and I'm going frantic trying to fix it all, and I can't move fast enough and I'm still zooming past everyone around me. There are days when my allergies have me hammered to the floor. But the next day (or the day after that) I get back up again...
And I go to school. I try to go to school. When I can pull myself out of bed, out of the house, I go to school. I'm not giving up on it. I clean house. I spend some time with the Little Fayoumis and help him scramble towards adulthood by giving him insights into the adult world, and how it isn't so different from how he is after all.
I gave up on school before. I sank deep into a depression, and refused to get out of bed, go out of my room during the day, didn't want to talk to anyone, avoided work of any kind...
I'm dragging my ass to school. I'm trying to keep the house under control. Oddly enough, with mostly me taking care of it, it tends to do more of it itself than it does when there are three adults on top of it 24-7.
And me doing this is an inspiration. I never realized that managing to get my ass out of bed, managing to keep the wants and needs and dietary habits of three other people more or less in mind, managing to make a halfassed attempt at all this -- I never realized that was inspiring.
I likely have some form of depression. I know I am multiples. (Somewhat more functional than many, evidently. Leave a social Gemini alone, and she'll talk to herself.) I know I have self-esteem issues. And I keep on going. I just keep on.
That's all.
But evidently that's enough.
I'm walking wounded, walking weird. Some of you already know that there's more than one of me in my head. There's me. I'm the primary personality, the one that most of you see every day. Then there's
garnetdagger, who kicks ass and takes names when we need it. Then there's Marah, who deals with life's bullshit, and isn't too fond of it either. Then ... well, there are four of us, and she doesn't come out much. I have good days and I have bad days. I have days where everything is dancing and singing and wonderful, and I have so much energy, and I have days when the world is shit and I am worse. I have days when the world would be great, but I can't manage to drag my ass out of bed. There are days when the world is just sucky, and I'm going frantic trying to fix it all, and I can't move fast enough and I'm still zooming past everyone around me. There are days when my allergies have me hammered to the floor. But the next day (or the day after that) I get back up again... And I go to school. I try to go to school. When I can pull myself out of bed, out of the house, I go to school. I'm not giving up on it. I clean house. I spend some time with the Little Fayoumis and help him scramble towards adulthood by giving him insights into the adult world, and how it isn't so different from how he is after all.
I gave up on school before. I sank deep into a depression, and refused to get out of bed, go out of my room during the day, didn't want to talk to anyone, avoided work of any kind...
I'm dragging my ass to school. I'm trying to keep the house under control. Oddly enough, with mostly me taking care of it, it tends to do more of it itself than it does when there are three adults on top of it 24-7.
And me doing this is an inspiration. I never realized that managing to get my ass out of bed, managing to keep the wants and needs and dietary habits of three other people more or less in mind, managing to make a halfassed attempt at all this -- I never realized that was inspiring.
I likely have some form of depression. I know I am multiples. (Somewhat more functional than many, evidently. Leave a social Gemini alone, and she'll talk to herself.) I know I have self-esteem issues. And I keep on going. I just keep on.
That's all.
But evidently that's enough.
no subject