However, I recognize *all* of those names as being *you*, though I honestly don't know where 'Ni comes from, I still know it's YOU...but I always tend to have one name in my head, and for you that's Azz. Hell, E has five names - E, elance, her legal name, Amy, and Sunshine - all are valid her, I have *called* her by all names when speaking to her or about her, but in my head, she's just E, and that's how I talk to her 90% of the time. That doesn't mean it's her TrueName -it's definitely NOT (none of those four are, though Sunshine comes closest)- but it's the label that comes out of my mouth the easiest.
I have your TrueName in my head. I don't think I could say it aloud; it's like my not being able to define words when someone asks me the definition...I can *use* it, I understand the full meaning thereof, but in my head, meanings and shades of meanings have feelings, undertones, overtones, colours and tastes and scents that are reasons I choose one word over the other, I just *feel* that this word is closer to what I mean than the other. I have to use a dictionary to put the meaning into English words. Your Name inside of me is just that *colour*, Azz. Just the colour. And a sound, and a warmth. And a...vibration with four different speeds. Ever have one of those pens with four different colours, where each colour has a different tab to push, all arranged in a circle 'round the column? That's how you are in my head -- like this azure column, that's warm (a very particular temperature, in fact), and it vibrates, in four different vibrating pillars making up one column, each pillar vibrating at a different frequency, and together they produce a single, harmonious tone. And the sound is blue...
*shrug* I don't know the *word*, darlin'. I couldn't *spell* it, I don't know if I could say it with my mouth. I could convey it to you if you were standing in front of me...I could form it in my head so that you could "hear" it and know that I knew it...but that's the best I can do. And I know that reading this, you will know exactly what I mean, even though most people reading it will be thinking I'm completely and totally schizoid. (I also know that describing it won't actually *give* it to anyone who hasn't been given it by you, because knowing that it is a colour and a sound and a warmth and a vibration helps not in the slightest if you don't have the exact tone and feeling and vibrational speeds...you could make a key on your own, but you wouldn't carve the right pins to fit the lock.)
Just as I was Given Darkside's Name in that dream I had. There's a sound, one I can't reproduce outside my head, sounding somewhat like the striking of a large gong, and a Feeling. In the dream there was a word. I have a word; not the same word as in the dream, but... very close. I think that's a may-be-someday rather than an Is Now. That word, along with the feeling, sums it up so well that I avoid saying the mundane word to anyone.
His Name makes a lovely chord with mine.
I have one of those pens with me right now on the desk, only it's a ten-color one that looks suspiciously like a dildo.
E feels a lot like I used to feel; it's an interesting blue/yellow combination.
Darkside is most often that feeling in my head, rather that Darkside or his legal name. I demonstrated on Halloween night that "m'love" is something he's also often tagged with, and when I'm not self-censoring, that comes out... I do so appreciate it that he understood how very tired I was and took care of me, knowing that I never normally would have directly called him that, except that I was exhausted and my censor was down, and therefore instead of blaming me, he needed to be more gentle than usual with me. Usually when I think "m'love", if it comes out it comes out as "My dear best friend"...
E feels a lot like I used to feel; it's an interesting blue/yellow combination.
It's a sky/air/light combination, yes. There's more to it than that, but that's the first, most visible layer. Hence the lightbearer/lightwalker title...but we can't quite figure out what the English is supposed to be.
Since I only know of you through reading your LJ, I've been thinking of you as azurelunatic, or also "That interesting girl with Francine from SiP as her userpic." However, I have decided to think of you as "Bud," in homage to a favorite episode of The Cosby Show. ;)
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azurelunatic) wrote2003-03-15 03:50 am
no subject
I have your TrueName in my head. I don't think I could say it aloud; it's like my not being able to define words when someone asks me the definition...I can *use* it, I understand the full meaning thereof, but in my head, meanings and shades of meanings have feelings, undertones, overtones, colours and tastes and scents that are reasons I choose one word over the other, I just *feel* that this word is closer to what I mean than the other. I have to use a dictionary to put the meaning into English words. Your Name inside of me is just that *colour*, Azz. Just the colour. And a sound, and a warmth. And a...vibration with four different speeds. Ever have one of those pens with four different colours, where each colour has a different tab to push, all arranged in a circle 'round the column? That's how you are in my head -- like this azure column, that's warm (a very particular temperature, in fact), and it vibrates, in four different vibrating pillars making up one column, each pillar vibrating at a different frequency, and together they produce a single, harmonious tone. And the sound is blue...
*shrug* I don't know the *word*, darlin'. I couldn't *spell* it, I don't know if I could say it with my mouth. I could convey it to you if you were standing in front of me...I could form it in my head so that you could "hear" it and know that I knew it...but that's the best I can do. And I know that reading this, you will know exactly what I mean, even though most people reading it will be thinking I'm completely and totally schizoid. (I also know that describing it won't actually *give* it to anyone who hasn't been given it by you, because knowing that it is a colour and a sound and a warmth and a vibration helps not in the slightest if you don't have the exact tone and feeling and vibrational speeds...you could make a key on your own, but you wouldn't carve the right pins to fit the lock.)
no subject
His Name makes a lovely chord with mine.
I have one of those pens with me right now on the desk, only it's a ten-color one that looks suspiciously like a dildo.
E feels a lot like I used to feel; it's an interesting blue/yellow combination.
Darkside is most often that feeling in my head, rather that Darkside or his legal name. I demonstrated on Halloween night that "m'love" is something he's also often tagged with, and when I'm not self-censoring, that comes out... I do so appreciate it that he understood how very tired I was and took care of me, knowing that I never normally would have directly called him that, except that I was exhausted and my censor was down, and therefore instead of blaming me, he needed to be more gentle than usual with me. Usually when I think "m'love", if it comes out it comes out as "My dear best friend"...
Re:
It's a sky/air/light combination, yes. There's more to it than that, but that's the first, most visible layer. Hence the lightbearer/lightwalker title...but we can't quite figure out what the English is supposed to be.
no subject
In all honesty...
Re: In all honesty...