azurelunatic | Drama, fuckit. (Mono, poly, whatever.)

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Drama, fuckit. (Mono, poly, whatever.)

If I were a soup can, all the labels you'd have to put on me to describe me would fight with each other and negate each other.

I'm polyamorous. I'm monogamous. I don't care what I am. I just love people, and I happen to be very monogamously in love with Darkside. It's excessively frustrating being a mono/poly switch. When I'm not in a serious relationship, I'm either poly or a swinger, take your pick of whichever you think describes me better. I have lovely friendships with people, and sometimes it gets romantic, or sometimes it just gets sexual.

I have infinite love. One thing I don't have is infinite attention. In most of the relationships I've been in, I need to have someone there to take my full attention... or several someones, to each take part of my attention, as my full attention is usually too intense for one person to take by themselves. Often I'm not comfortable training my full attention on someone. I have very powerful attention, and it can be unsettling.

It should probably not make me this furious to have someone imply that I am not truly polyamorous, because that's how it sounds to me. It is, though. I'm more angry than I can safely express, and that probably is an indication that something is wrong with me.

I identify as polyamorous, because I recognize that my love is unlimited, and that my expression of that love need not be limited to the one-on-one form of traditional marriage.

I'm likely angry because I am so thoroughly frightened by the concept that my utter adoration for this man may be turning my worldview towards monogamy, and that I may or may not ever feel differently. You must understand that when asked, "Who do you love?" ever since the age of 11 or so, I had to make a list, rather than give one name.

But the nature of my friendship with this man is such that, if he asked me to marry him, and limit the expression of my attention in sexual matters to be limited to him and only him, I would likely do this. The relative intensity of my feelings for him, versus the other people I could theoretically be involved with... I do not know where I could find anyone, man, woman, or alien, such a good match for me.

I love him. Every day without him is just that much more empty; while our friendship lasts, I know I'll never be truly alone.

I was almost married, monogamously, once. BJ and I broke up before the wedding. It was a close call, as he was a complete jerk, and not worth my time. This is in no way equal to that.

I know if Darkside decided that he and I should be married, and that Mr. Shallow and my pretty and I should be allowed to express our mutual affections physically, that I would be delighted. They are friends, and I care for both of them deeply. I could even say that I love them. But there is not the burning necessity behind my bonds with them, just the inevitability that I love them and they love me.

If Darkside and I were to marry, I probably would have enough attention to spare for those I love. However, if he and I were to only have physical intimacy with each other, and no others, I would not lie awake late at night starved for the lack of touch from my other beloveds. It would be on my wish list, if ever it would be possible to arrange, but I would be happy without it.

On the other hand, if I were to monogamously bond with someone else, even my water brother Mr. Shallow or my pretty, I would likely wind up curled up in a corner, minimally responsive, starved for the lack of Darkside's touch. And I would not dare even try to hug him, if I were mono with someone else. By my standards if no one else's, that would be cheating.

I need Darkside. I need him so very badly I'm ashamed of myself. And when I'm not allowed him, as he doesn't wish for a relationship with me, I try to hunt for all the essential things that make him necessary to me, piecewise in others... and it fails. I adore him, I need him. Loving him does not make it impossible for me to want others, but it makes it unnecessary. Most people, I can love without needing, but gods, not him.

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I relate to this far too much...

It's not easy...

Feel free to ignore me, as I'm not sure it's my place to comment, but what struck me most about your post here is this:

I need Darkside. I need him so very badly I'm ashamed of myself. And when I'm not allowed him, as he doesn't wish for a relationship with me, I try to hunt for all the essential things that make him necessary to me, piecewise in others... and it fails. I adore him, I need him. Loving him does not make it impossible for me to want others, but it makes it unnecessary. Most people, I can love without needing, but gods, not him.

This doesn't sound like a very healthy sort of thing to me. I'm not saying anything like, "you're wrong, this isn't real love" or something stupid like that, because I don't know.

Actually, I'm not sure what I'm saying. Maybe it's just "be careful."

Hmmm...I was about to respond to that section of the post (found through

mono_poly BTW), but in rather opposite fashion.

I completely understand where you're coming from on: I adore him, I need him. Loving him does not make it impossible for me to want others, but it makes it unnecessary.

After my hubby and I got together I felt much the same way - about men at least. It was almost 9 years before another man caught my interest in any way. Women were another story, because he just can't fill that need in my life *grin*, but I get that feeling of completion that makes it unnecessary to look for others, or at least makes it something that just doesn't happen.

I will agree with

clawfoot that you should be careful though - since I know that at least part of that period with my SO was not healthy. But I don't think this is an innately unhealthy sentiment.

This one's safe. I can break my heart on him, by expecting him to respond in kind with romantic love, but that would just be stupid. He loves me as a friend, and that's sufficient.

You're lucky you can be content with that. I'm a bit envious really - since I'm breaking my heart on a similar situation at the moment. *sigh*

Glad you can be so at peace with your feelings and may that friendship always be strong for you! :)

I'm horribly lucky. I was getting hurt on it for a while, until he and I smacked my brain around some together.

You wanna share the details of how you did the smacking around of your brain please dear so that I can get Thug to do the same to mine? ;)

Well, he sat down with my stubborn ass while I was sleep-deprived and not in a good mood. Then he proceeded to ask me nosy, pointed questions designed to drag the truth about stuff out from me, even things I wasn't aware that I was feeling or thinking.

Then he proceeded to turn my world upside-down by reminding me, gently but very firmly, that he was a stubborn bastard and no matter how much I loved him and thought I was going to scare him away by doing so, he was still my friend, and he could out-stubborn me any day of the week.

Which usually degenerated into a game of Mercy.

Hmmm - I dunno as Thug's quite up to doing such things so I think this is gonna have to be a summat I do myself after all... <sigh> ...then again, I think I may just be able to snuggle him into a game of mercy! <angelic g>

(Filed for future reference - thanks).

Welcome.

Now that Blondie's schedule Really Sucks, I try to corner him on the phone at least once a week. And I try to bat the bats out of his belfrey, too.

Thanks for your concern.

If he weren't the sort of best friend who is concerned for my well-being, and the sort of best friend who will routinely kick my ass if I start doing things mental or physical that are dangerous to me, it would be right on target. As it is, he and I are best friends, and I wind up attempting to remove necessary parts of my mind if I try to unlove him or unneed him. This sinks me into a depression, and he usually picks up on it, and kicks my ass out of it.

You're very fortunate to have a friend like that. :)

I guess I'm mostly concerned because at the ripe old age of 28, I'm a widow. That seems like a tangent, but now I can't help but sit up and take notice when someone says "I don't know what I'd do without him" or other such statements, because I once said the exact same thing about my husband. When he unexpectedly died, I was rather taken aback by the discovery that the world marched on, and eventually, so did I. So when I read about your need for Darkside, I can't help but think morbid thoughts like, "But what if he were to die? What would azurelunatic do then?"

I'm sorry -- I know these are rather morbid thoughts. But my first instinct when I hear someone say "I can't live without him" is to snap, "YES, you CAN," and if they can't, then there's really something not quite healthy about it all.

I'm not doing a great job of explaining myself. I hope I'm not being insulting. :/

Not at all.

And I'd probably have a more difficult time with the subject if the guy I thought I was going to marry when I was 18, good old Fuzzy Modem, hadn't gotten married right out from underneath me. One of those free-love-gone-expensive stories. 8 month depression, flipped off the bride as she walked down the aisle, and so forth.

So I know how one survives. And I'm glad you pulled through...

So yes, if Darkside died, or even if he found someone else, I'd be dreadfully hurt, but I'd survive. I would be very upset for a long time, but I'd survive. He'd kick my ass if I didn't, after all. He's just stubborn enough to manifest as a poltergeist and put banana peels under my feet or whack me over the head with some textbooks until I got some sense back in my head.

*hehe* I'm glad to hear that.

No wonder you're over the moon for this guy. He sounds like a gem. :)

He is. He definitely is.

It should probably not make me this furious to have someone imply that I am not truly polyamorous, because that's how it sounds to me. It is, though. I'm more angry than I can safely express, and that probably is an indication that something is wrong with me.

I sympathize. I've noticed that there seems to be a tendency in minority groups (at least sexuality based ones) to try very hard to find a set definition of their label that they can rally behind. Unfortunately this tends to lead to the exclusion of anyone who doesn't perfectly match that lable.

This was something I first encountered in college. I went to a women's college with an active lesbian/bi population. Not only did they manage to make people feel guilty for being hetero, they also almost completely denied the bisexual population by tending towards a "you don't fit our definition of gay" attitude.

And heaven help someone like me who was still struggling to understand their sexuality! Exploring was tantamount to heresy.

I think the same thing tends to happen in any concentrated community.

I would suggest that you not dwell on it too much, lable yourself as you see fit (or don't), and if you have a specific group of people who try to make you feel ashamed or unwelcome - tell them to shove off and go find a more accepting group.

Any part of human nature requires an evolving and open ended definition.

Anyone unwilling to see that is probably scared of something.

Fortunately for me, one of the earliest books of philosophy that I picked up and internalized was Spock's World, and that did the necessary hammering on my brain for delight in diversity.

Ah diversity! Such a wonderful thing!

BTW - on a completely different subject, I love your icon. I'm a huge SIP fan myself... :)

Thanks! I so like looking like Francine.

I unfortunately bear no resemblance to any of the characters, but I do seem to have a number of friends who do. Including a Katchoo - almost down to the background - and a Freddie. My room mate reminds me strongly of Casey (more as she is than as she was first introduced), and one of the guys I'm currently pursuing as a possible OSO is a shoe in for David... :)

Oh, dear. Freddy!!

Yup, he's got the nose, the attitude, the hair...everything but the law degree! :D

Scary!

I agree with kailara there is way too much in a lable. And in many minority groups there is a sence of not enough(insert lable) You are just the right abount of poly for you.I never ment to imply that you weren't I was just expressing who *I* am. Please don't use me as a standard because I hardly can handle my own relationships.again my appoligies!

I am quickly learning that love, in its many forms, is never wrong. Mono, Poly, and all the words we try to adopt to explain our our own personal loving style are just that- our personal styles. Don't worry about anyone blasting you for not being "poly" enough. Love openly and freely, but be sure to give the most love and care for the one who makes it all possible...yourself. :) *sending good thoughts*

Thanks.

Checking back to see how you handled the situation. Looks like you did a good job. ^_~

Thanks.

Looks like everyone else has said anything I might have wanted to say. :) So I'll just say that I read your post, and if I could think of something less fatuous to say than "I sympathize," I'd say it. Since I can't, I'll just tell you not to take any wooden nickels. They're nothing but trouble, those wooden nickels.

Wooden nickels??

You've never heard the expression, "Don't take any wooden nickels?"

Have *heard* it, but have no idea how it applies to this situation...

Ah, that one's easy. It doesn't apply at all. :) I didn't have anything relevant to say that hadn't already been said, you see, but I still wanted to post something. :)

Aha.

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