Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-05-02 04:32 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2003-05-02 04:32 pm
Darkside: clarifications and a little history.
It was brought to my attention that a lot of my recent Darkside posts sound angsty, drown-in-own-sweet-misery.
That wasn't really the intent, actually. It's hard to express the level of joy and delight I find in this man's company. I adore him, and he enjoys my company a surprising amount for how introverted and generally nonsocial he is.
I love him and we both know it. We don't talk about it much.
I want him to screw my brains out and we both know it. Neither of us mentions it.
I miss him terribly, and I tell him so every time we speak. Sometimes several times. The standard answer is, "That's not what these bruises say," referring to the fact that he and I spar with each other and sometimes inflict noticable marks, though no actual damage.
I worry about him frequently, as he does about me. We're neither one of us particularly whole at the moment; he has his empty places and wounds, as I have mine. In the past, he's been the one taking care of broken me. Recently, I've become well enough to do a few things to help him when I see somewhere that he's hurting.
We're best friends, and I would never lessen that, or take it in a direction that both of us weren't happy with. After a certain Huge Clue was whacked over my head, I've become exceptionally contented with the bond we have now, because now I can see not only where it could go, but why it's not going there.
It would be a mistake for our bond to get pushed any further until certain things get straightened out on both ends. I know what quite a few of them are, and we're slowly making progress on them. Some of them are pretty big.
I love him, and I miss him, and I would like to date him, or more... but you don't start a cross-country road trip when the Check Engine light comes on every two seconds, and there's an oil leak, and things are about to fall off. And you don't fix those problems by pushing the car down the hill to get it started. You fix it by taking it to a car repair place. Sometimes you do have to push the car down the hill to get it started in order to get it to the car repair place, but...
We have time, now. So I have patience.
I love him. It's awe-inspiring and delightful and scary and strange and weird and wonderful. I wouldn't trade it out, which explains why I haven't...
That wasn't really the intent, actually. It's hard to express the level of joy and delight I find in this man's company. I adore him, and he enjoys my company a surprising amount for how introverted and generally nonsocial he is.
I love him and we both know it. We don't talk about it much.
I want him to screw my brains out and we both know it. Neither of us mentions it.
I miss him terribly, and I tell him so every time we speak. Sometimes several times. The standard answer is, "That's not what these bruises say," referring to the fact that he and I spar with each other and sometimes inflict noticable marks, though no actual damage.
I worry about him frequently, as he does about me. We're neither one of us particularly whole at the moment; he has his empty places and wounds, as I have mine. In the past, he's been the one taking care of broken me. Recently, I've become well enough to do a few things to help him when I see somewhere that he's hurting.
We're best friends, and I would never lessen that, or take it in a direction that both of us weren't happy with. After a certain Huge Clue was whacked over my head, I've become exceptionally contented with the bond we have now, because now I can see not only where it could go, but why it's not going there.
It would be a mistake for our bond to get pushed any further until certain things get straightened out on both ends. I know what quite a few of them are, and we're slowly making progress on them. Some of them are pretty big.
I love him, and I miss him, and I would like to date him, or more... but you don't start a cross-country road trip when the Check Engine light comes on every two seconds, and there's an oil leak, and things are about to fall off. And you don't fix those problems by pushing the car down the hill to get it started. You fix it by taking it to a car repair place. Sometimes you do have to push the car down the hill to get it started in order to get it to the car repair place, but...
We have time, now. So I have patience.
I love him. It's awe-inspiring and delightful and scary and strange and weird and wonderful. I wouldn't trade it out, which explains why I haven't...
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Thank you for exposing yourself and being "real" - it is helpful to us out here, on many levels.
Why do "we" (women, human beings) persist in trying to fit relationships into a certain frame?
Why can't we have more space, and just accept each individual and each individual's special role, in our lives, as that role grows and changes?
It is refreshing, yet bittersweet, to read your post - and I admire your maturity and forthrightness for seeing the "car" as it is.
You're an incredible woman, and he knows it!
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He's incredibly special to me, and I think he's having a hard time realizing just how much, and how much he deserves it.
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About being poly and about being a multiple.... have you ever thought that you are poly because you are multiple? Because no ONE person would satisfy A's, M's, N's & GD's needs....
Until Darkside.
And yes, you love him. And yes, you'd be mono for him. But is that (in large part) because he satisfies all the multiples needs? Inasmuch as one person can?
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He is, as far as I know, wired mono.
I am not hardwired either mono or poly. In the right relationship, I can be mono. In the right relationships, I can be poly. I'm hardwired more to poly, but that's mostly because I can care about a lot of people, and I have such intense focus that I'm afraid to focus all of it on one person. I have, before. Not only were they weirded out, but in the case of Shawn... well... eggs. Basket. Boom.
Not only is Darkside psychologically capable of handling all my attention being aimed at him at once, but he's trustworthy to accept all of that attention, and not give me back negative attention, and return enough attention of his own to keep me going. He just rarely initiates any connections himself, likely for fear of being rejected, or having the connection not accepted or not returned.
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(Well, my pretty's actually becoming more and more entwined with me, but it's still not up to a This Must Happen level.)