2002-11-18

This sucks.

Grandma is not in good mental or physical shape, and Guide Dog Aunt and the rest of the family council have deemed it inadvisable for a bunch of strangers, especially energetic strangers including a lively six-year-old, to invade Grandma's house for the better part of two weeks.

Damn.

Damn damn damn.

I almost don't want to go, now. Well, I want to go for Dawn's wedding, but that's all I really want to go for, now. I don't want to spend two weeks away from home. I'm afraid of spending too long with Grandma. I don't want to tire her out, and I don't want to wear myself that thin. It hurts, spending time with her, even on the phone, when she's that disconnected.

What are we going to do about Christmas now?

I'm too tired, I'm not thinking straight.

No, I can't get the tickets changed or refunded. Fuck. Fuck.

I'm tempted to just trash the tickets I got and get new ones, for just a few days. I'm tempted to not go, only that I couldn't do to Dawn. I know I'm acting like a baby. At this hour, I know I don't care. I'm ashamed of it. I want to curl up in the corner and have a good cry. (Oh, guess what week it's about to be?)

votania's gotten more. I tend to be lazy, antisocial, self-centered, greedy, needy, too-easily made angry, obsessive, depressive, overloud, and so forth.

If it were a reasonable time of day, I'd call Darkside and cry. Or avoid calling Darkside, because he sees me cry too much. Anything can set me off today. I behaved myself in public. I was quiet, good, polite, low-key, and decorative. At home, I can be lazy, slobby, self-destructive, and unattractive all I want. I haven't done my laundry yet. My bed is a mess. The dishes are piled up. I did a few this morning, but haven't bothered to put them away yet, nor even seen fully that they be put away. (I asked that they be put away, but that doesn't count as seeing that they be put away, given who I asked and that person's usual response when I ask them to put away dishes: I get to put them away several hours later.) Still grouchy there. I don't want to be a control freak psycho bitch, and I don't want to nag, but I do want dishes put away in a timely fashion after I do them so that I can do another load, especially when there are a lot of them still in the sink that I haven't done yet...

Dishes. Oy vey.

Dishes.

The part about doing dishes that I simply cannot stand is putting them away. I don't know why it is, but I have an aversion to it. I don't mind the scrubbing and making them clean and stacking them in the dishwasher and starting the dishwasher. I do mind putting them away.

When I ask someone to put them away, and I have reason to believe that they should know about my aversion to putting away dishes, and there are dishes in the sink, I expect the dishes to be put away within the hour so that I can start the next load of dishes going.

When it doesn't happen, I get annoyed. I get annoyed when I ask someone to do something once, and it gets forgotten, disregarded, ignored. It makes me feel as if I do not matter at all, no matter what the true circumstances are. On some psychological level, if I can be forgotten that easily, I do not matter. When someone else asks something, and it gets immediately done, I get angry.

I don't want to be a psycho demanding control freak bitch. I was that to BJ, mostly because he didn't do stuff and didn't do stuff and didn't do stuff and it took being said bitch to get him to do anything. Laundry? You could forget about that. Dishes? Stop playing game and actually do housework? Fuck that. I have issues, severe issues, when someone spends what I consider to be a lot of time on games and very little time on housework.

The second time I ask something, I'm likely to have an edge in my voice, from being annoyed at being ignored the first time. I hate it when someone gets too absorbed in something to even hear me. I hate hearing that edge in my voice, and I hate the startled jump-fear reaction when I use that tone of voice, and I don't know how to give a second reminder without being at least a little pissed. So I've stopped giving that second reminder. Which is probably the wrong thing to do. It lets people not realize that I'm getting mad, and it makes me madder, that I have to NOT remind people to do that which I asked them to do in the first place, and it makes me feel horrible for being so lazy that I cannot do it myself, since all I ever do is sit around at the computer and goof off if I'm not in class.

...

I just had no idea Grandma was doing quite that badly.

Oooh, how fun.

When we go and get our teeth drilled and get fillings, isn't it nice when our old filling falls out in the middle of the procedure?

Morning

Got up. Told Votania the bad news about going to CA, and discussed the nameless grumping over dishwashing. Discussed it further with sleepyhead when he got up, both barrels from both of us, and then I was a few minutes late to my dentist appointment.

I was scheduled for three fillings on the upper right side of my mouth. I've been neglecting my teeth for the past four years, and it's showing... During the drilling, a previous filling popped out, so they had to do four instead of the three that they wanted to do. Other than that, the only other incident was my nose-goop, and the way it pooled at the back of my throat during the procedure. I did get a little panicky about that for a while. And at one point the stick of stuff that gets put in before the filling goes in did get stabbed into my gum rather than into the tooth. That was not good. And evidently I burn off novocaine fast. By the time I was leaving, I was already getting pins-and-needles in my tongue, and my cheek was almost back to full function. The least comfortable part had to have been when they put the ring around the furthest-forward tooth to fill it, though, because that was on the very edge of the range of the anesthetic, so I could feel it loud and clear.

Came home to a complete reorganization of the silverware drawer, the kitchen junk drawer, and the living room junk drawer. The silverware drawers have taken over the kitchen, and housecleaning is going on. Ate lunch, and felt vaguely dissatisfied with self for not having the energy to go on housecleaning kick too.

Nephew asked to play a different game than Drakan or Gundam. Yaaay!

Called Dawn. Called Darkside. Darkside was getting dressed. Discussed the advisability of calling me a moron (not advisable, even when it concerns me spending time with people who are bad for me), and my primary reason for avoiding certain people who are bad for me (it upsets Darkside). Discussed how that was a really bad reason for doing that: it should be because they're bad for me, not because it upsets Darkside. At least I have motivation to not be self-destructive, though: there's a good thing.

Bitchy Witchy Week has commenced.

Skipped the IEEE meeting in favor of sleep and asparagus.

My name looks so wrong there.

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