Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-05-06 02:08 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2003-05-06 02:08 pm
Terror
I said this morning that I was terrified, and I wasn't kidding.
The TV was on in the outpatient waiting room, and there was a story about a couple looking for their abducted daughter. I saw the man, and I didn't see his face.
I suddenly saw Darkside. I saw how he'll look at 30, 40. My best friend, as always. I saw a little suburban house. I saw absolute peace and contentment, an adoring, loving, caring, sweet couple.
I was terrified. It suddenly felt so very restrictive.
Would I really marry di catenas after swearing not to? I don't think Darkside would let me be dominated against my will. When he bends me, he bends me to release me from the bonds I hold myself in. If he bent me and I broke (and he's done it, accidentally, from time to time with his words) he would never ever continue and let me be broken. He always holds me back together again.
(Sidenote: I do not ever want to see what seeing me utterly broken and unfixable would do to him. There are some things that are too painful to bear, and his pain at not being able to fix me is one of them.)
I feel like I'm scared of seeing myself happy. I'm scared of walking into a trap, like I nearly did with BJ. (Hell, I walked into that trap, and set up housekeeping inside... and then dashed out at the last moment.) And I also feel that I'm silly to be afraid.
Darkside would never harm me, would never knowingly push me into a position where I would harm myself or him. He knows me well enough to catch me before I take much damage, and I'm getting better at telling him when it hurts.
Looking at it from the outside, though, from the perspective of someone who sees me as a free spirit, and sees him as a conservative unknown... it would look exactly like a trap. The conservative unknown would unyeildingly push me into the cookie-cutter mom ideal, and I could bend and bend... and would finally break. Or be baked solid.
Thinking through it rationally, with the things I know... I wouldn't let myself suffer in silence, and he wouldn't let me get harmed through a knowing action or inaction of his. Ever.
But people like DC, who do not know the measure of this man, who do not know, bone-deep, the emotions he's dragged me through and past, lifeguard rescuing a stranded swimmer out of her depth... they won't see the partnership and the adoration born of it. They'll only see the harsh man, accustomed to being in control, and the submissive woman, ready to fetch the moon at her husband's request. And when I fail to allow myself to be rescued, they'll give me up as lost...
The TV was on in the outpatient waiting room, and there was a story about a couple looking for their abducted daughter. I saw the man, and I didn't see his face.
I suddenly saw Darkside. I saw how he'll look at 30, 40. My best friend, as always. I saw a little suburban house. I saw absolute peace and contentment, an adoring, loving, caring, sweet couple.
I was terrified. It suddenly felt so very restrictive.
Would I really marry di catenas after swearing not to? I don't think Darkside would let me be dominated against my will. When he bends me, he bends me to release me from the bonds I hold myself in. If he bent me and I broke (and he's done it, accidentally, from time to time with his words) he would never ever continue and let me be broken. He always holds me back together again.
(Sidenote: I do not ever want to see what seeing me utterly broken and unfixable would do to him. There are some things that are too painful to bear, and his pain at not being able to fix me is one of them.)
I feel like I'm scared of seeing myself happy. I'm scared of walking into a trap, like I nearly did with BJ. (Hell, I walked into that trap, and set up housekeeping inside... and then dashed out at the last moment.) And I also feel that I'm silly to be afraid.
Darkside would never harm me, would never knowingly push me into a position where I would harm myself or him. He knows me well enough to catch me before I take much damage, and I'm getting better at telling him when it hurts.
Looking at it from the outside, though, from the perspective of someone who sees me as a free spirit, and sees him as a conservative unknown... it would look exactly like a trap. The conservative unknown would unyeildingly push me into the cookie-cutter mom ideal, and I could bend and bend... and would finally break. Or be baked solid.
Thinking through it rationally, with the things I know... I wouldn't let myself suffer in silence, and he wouldn't let me get harmed through a knowing action or inaction of his. Ever.
But people like DC, who do not know the measure of this man, who do not know, bone-deep, the emotions he's dragged me through and past, lifeguard rescuing a stranded swimmer out of her depth... they won't see the partnership and the adoration born of it. They'll only see the harsh man, accustomed to being in control, and the submissive woman, ready to fetch the moon at her husband's request. And when I fail to allow myself to be rescued, they'll give me up as lost...
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Me, too. Working on that one.
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The Oath of the Free Amazons is reproduced here; I took it upon reading the books.
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