azurelunatic | Terrors (mine)

Well, duh. Pretty much everyone called it: my worst fear is losing Darkside. But it's more specific than that. I'm not terrified of him accidentally dying; that's in no way going to separate us. It would be horribly lonely and frightening, yes, but it's not something that I live in terror of.

After the Realization that I'm his friend and I'm not going to be leaving any time soon settles down into Darkside's brain, I will be a bit scared of me dying before him. I do not want to ever be in a position to see what happens to him if that happens, because from the way he keeps his mind, I don't think it would be very good. I really think that I could take our temporary separation by death better. But, again, that's not something I dwell on.

What I'm terrified of is losing his friendship.

I could see us drifting slowly apart. That's what he's been trying to do. That's what he always does. He's an Army brat. He's used to it. He's been trying to gently detach me, so as not to break my heart. I've not been taking the hint. His brain stalled out on him the other night over this. He's learning about the lifetime, intense kind of friendship.

The thought of drifting away from him shreds me inside. I've drifted away from friends through distance before. The concept doesn't scare me as it used to. Somehow, though, with Darkside... terrifying.

I've said the wrong thing to friends before. Sometimes we patched things up. Sometimes, we didn't. Sometimes, friends and I drifted apart because I was myself, and I was not who they wanted as a friend.

I'm terrified that I may say the wrong thing to Darkside, either by pure accident, or if I get angry and say things I know will harm him in blind rage, that he'll back away from me and break the friendship rather than get hurt again. I know I have the capability to hurt him, and I fear that I would use it, either accidentally or in what would be literally insanity. (And yes,

iroshi, I know what I'm saying.)

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Question. He does know my name, yes? So that if I called him, out of the blue, he would talk to me? Just for future reference.

No. He does not.

He may be vaguely aware that I have a priestess-confessor that I talk about stuff to, but he pointedly avoids my LJ unless I physically show him specific entries, as he avoids reading people's journals. (Unless, of course, they're writing in them right in front of him, in which case he occasionally takes them and inserts sarcastic comments.) You don't usually show up in the things I discuss with him, mostly because he and I are Really Bad about talking about the heavy stuff.

hmm.

You might want to *give* him my name, and let him know that I'm his back-up on dealing with a broken-Azz. Because I know I'm the back-up. And I'll want to be able to talk to him if either of you ever Screw Up. I feel wrong having a coven-counsellee who has someone else with Core Access Codes, and I can't contact that person if needed.

Can do.

I think he'll feel far more *secure* in dealing with me if knows that he's got backup, and that his backup knows me and has dealt with me in some pretty interesting mental states.

Which of your information would you like me to share with him? He would not mind having a way to talk with you, or at least he's not actively resisting it, though he's a little confused at being my Most Trusted. He thinks he hurts me a lot.

As you wish. I trust him.

*blinks* Ok.

You might wish to let him know that those who are closest to us *always* hurt us. It's in the very nature of allowing people close that they're able to hurt us when no one else is. But they're also able to heal, love, give us joy, like no one else can. They're able to make us feel whole. To give us companionship. To be one.

It's the nature of a relationship. To let someone in can give you the greatest joy...but yes, they hurt you. They're HUMAN. (He hurts you a lot? Ask him if he's apologizing for being human. *grin*) And they make mistakes, and being that close, when they blunder, it's painful. But they also love, and it's all worthwhile.

I just sent him an e-mail thanking him for being human.

Wow...going through old journal entries, are you? *grin*

Actually, cleaning out the inbox. The comment notification had been sitting there for just over a year, pending me doing something about it, so I did.

Though I can and will start bringing you up, and I can arrange an introduction if you wish it.

He knows it now. Am to be improving at my communications with him, yes.

He is surprised at me when I say things differently than he was thinking I might.

Terrors (mine)

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