azurelunatic | (no subject)

(no subject)

This entry's still eerie. But that's what you get when you mix Duane and Lackey with an unhealthy dose of selfdestructiveness.

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Why bother? I'll never find a permanent mate; Adam would prefer to hate me; Darkside is annoyed by me and doesn't love me.

I realize that these were not your words, but I'm going to use them to kickstart what I need to say here...

I find it interesting how people tend to say this...why do people say this? Why does *anyone* have the audacity to say this, let alone anyone under the age of 30? Or even 40? But LET ALONE someone under the age of 30?

Look at the words.

"I'll never find a permanent mate."

And then (this never fails) they will either note that there are no potential mates in their knowledge-space, or they will list off the potential mates in their knowledge-space and why their are not their permanent ones.

Do you have any idea how many new potential mates I have met in the course of one decade? How much *MY* own personal life has changed in the course of one decade? And I thought I was a stable married woman! And yet I moved half-way across the country, have slept with 6 people since then, had sexual acts-but-not-intercourse with several more than that, dated a handful...could have kept going through quite a large list if I hadn't come across my permanent mate.

Or I could have whined, in high school, when Miles left me, that I would "never find a permanent mate", because Carl would never love me like that, and Miles would never settle down and quit being the bad boy and find the good within him (which he finally did, but it took *him* a decade to do so, and he's in Florida now), and Brian didn't want me. I wanted Brian like you want Darkside, you know. I *understood* him, and he *understood* me. He's the one who held me when Miles screwed me over so many times. But Brian didn't want me.

But it didn't matter. You go on.

You can't be everything that your future permanent mate needs until You Stop Desperately Needing A Permanent Mate.

I know it sounds contradictory, I know it sounds confusing and conflicting...but you can't be whole with a partner, until you're whole within yourself. That doesn't mean that the four of you need to merge. The four of you *do* make a whole. But you need to *be* whole. You're not, and you know what I mean, too.

Well, yeah.

I'm on my way, eventually, though. Even though Darkside's his own silly stubborn self, we still have each other, and I'm strong enough to help him with the things he's too proud to ask for help on, but that he's starting to show me.

If I keep falling over when I'm left on my own, I can't be a good partner to the kind of person who'd be a worthy partner for me.

Oddly, I'm feeling more whole than I have been for a long time. And it looks like the Lone Power is most likely to have the darker aspects seep in through Marah, of course.

So she's going to yell, a lot, as we houseclean her section of the mind.

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