Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-05-18 06:48 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2003-05-18 06:48 pm
Forgiveness, responsibility.
There's the idea that when someone does something terrible to you, that you are obligated, if you ever want to get anywhere in your life, to forgive them and move on.
But when you don't forgive them, can't forgive them...
It's bad enough that they've done something that's made you miserable and furious. It's bad enough that you had to suffer through the pain it all entailed, and live with it, while they got off relatively easily.
But on top of that, you know, somewhere deep down, that everyone around you, everyone who hasn't gone through the same bullshit, is wondering why you can't just forgive them and move on with your life. Maybe if you loved yourself more, you would be able to find the strength within yourself to forgive the rat bastard? It's what's expected. It's what's done. It's what other people have done in the same circumstances. It's vile and unthinkable, is what it is, and they're expecting you to forgive this ratassed monkeyfucker for existing, and coming in contact with your life? I think not!
Yet the expectation is there. Forgive them, and move on. You won't be whole until/unless you do. And then there's the guilt. Is there something wrong with me, that I can't forgive this person, even though they are an asshole loser? The guilt becomes more damaging than the anger.
Sometimes an unfelt forgiveness is extracted. They kneel at your feet, begging forgiveness; you are pressured into saying, "I forgive you," just so they'll leave you alone. But you don't. You haven't. You can't. It's impossible.
If you don't forgive them, don't forgive them. It may take a lifetime to feel like you might forgive them. But until you do actually feel no rage, no anger, no resentment, no deep-lasting hurt... you haven't forgiven them, and to say you have, or feel you should, would be a dangerous lie, an evil self-deception.
But when you don't forgive them, can't forgive them...
It's bad enough that they've done something that's made you miserable and furious. It's bad enough that you had to suffer through the pain it all entailed, and live with it, while they got off relatively easily.
But on top of that, you know, somewhere deep down, that everyone around you, everyone who hasn't gone through the same bullshit, is wondering why you can't just forgive them and move on with your life. Maybe if you loved yourself more, you would be able to find the strength within yourself to forgive the rat bastard? It's what's expected. It's what's done. It's what other people have done in the same circumstances. It's vile and unthinkable, is what it is, and they're expecting you to forgive this ratassed monkeyfucker for existing, and coming in contact with your life? I think not!
Yet the expectation is there. Forgive them, and move on. You won't be whole until/unless you do. And then there's the guilt. Is there something wrong with me, that I can't forgive this person, even though they are an asshole loser? The guilt becomes more damaging than the anger.
Sometimes an unfelt forgiveness is extracted. They kneel at your feet, begging forgiveness; you are pressured into saying, "I forgive you," just so they'll leave you alone. But you don't. You haven't. You can't. It's impossible.
If you don't forgive them, don't forgive them. It may take a lifetime to feel like you might forgive them. But until you do actually feel no rage, no anger, no resentment, no deep-lasting hurt... you haven't forgiven them, and to say you have, or feel you should, would be a dangerous lie, an evil self-deception.
no subject
If your attempts to forgive only rip your wounds open wider, then it's not really forgiveness. It's just more pain you're being compelled to inflict on yourself. True forgiveness heals you. Only you know when that's going to happen... if ever.
Sure, many people have been in similar situations. Sure, many of them have forgiven the other person. I certainly have. Hey, in the grand scheme of things, if I take 15 years to forgive someone, it still counts. The people who objected to waiting 15 years always had the option of finding someone else to hang out with. If I take 50 years to do it, same deal.
Don't worry about what other people think. People like to encourage others to improve and heal themselves, but nobody seems to want to wait for it to happen properly. Healing isn't instantaneous; it takes a hell of a long time if you want to do it right.
So do it right. You don't even have to start the healing process until you're good and ready to, whenever that may be. Maybe acknowledging and embracing your pain will help you burn it off faster and healthier. Anyone who has something to say about that can go take a flying leap.
That is my current favorite advice to misguided people these days: "Oh, hey, I know what you can do to help! Take a flying leap!" This seems to annoy most people, but, after all, that's the point. :)
no subject
This was a rant that I felt I had to make, because there was rather too much of something buzzing around in the air, and it needed to be said.