Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-05-18 06:48 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2003-05-18 06:48 pm
Forgiveness, responsibility.
There's the idea that when someone does something terrible to you, that you are obligated, if you ever want to get anywhere in your life, to forgive them and move on.
But when you don't forgive them, can't forgive them...
It's bad enough that they've done something that's made you miserable and furious. It's bad enough that you had to suffer through the pain it all entailed, and live with it, while they got off relatively easily.
But on top of that, you know, somewhere deep down, that everyone around you, everyone who hasn't gone through the same bullshit, is wondering why you can't just forgive them and move on with your life. Maybe if you loved yourself more, you would be able to find the strength within yourself to forgive the rat bastard? It's what's expected. It's what's done. It's what other people have done in the same circumstances. It's vile and unthinkable, is what it is, and they're expecting you to forgive this ratassed monkeyfucker for existing, and coming in contact with your life? I think not!
Yet the expectation is there. Forgive them, and move on. You won't be whole until/unless you do. And then there's the guilt. Is there something wrong with me, that I can't forgive this person, even though they are an asshole loser? The guilt becomes more damaging than the anger.
Sometimes an unfelt forgiveness is extracted. They kneel at your feet, begging forgiveness; you are pressured into saying, "I forgive you," just so they'll leave you alone. But you don't. You haven't. You can't. It's impossible.
If you don't forgive them, don't forgive them. It may take a lifetime to feel like you might forgive them. But until you do actually feel no rage, no anger, no resentment, no deep-lasting hurt... you haven't forgiven them, and to say you have, or feel you should, would be a dangerous lie, an evil self-deception.
But when you don't forgive them, can't forgive them...
It's bad enough that they've done something that's made you miserable and furious. It's bad enough that you had to suffer through the pain it all entailed, and live with it, while they got off relatively easily.
But on top of that, you know, somewhere deep down, that everyone around you, everyone who hasn't gone through the same bullshit, is wondering why you can't just forgive them and move on with your life. Maybe if you loved yourself more, you would be able to find the strength within yourself to forgive the rat bastard? It's what's expected. It's what's done. It's what other people have done in the same circumstances. It's vile and unthinkable, is what it is, and they're expecting you to forgive this ratassed monkeyfucker for existing, and coming in contact with your life? I think not!
Yet the expectation is there. Forgive them, and move on. You won't be whole until/unless you do. And then there's the guilt. Is there something wrong with me, that I can't forgive this person, even though they are an asshole loser? The guilt becomes more damaging than the anger.
Sometimes an unfelt forgiveness is extracted. They kneel at your feet, begging forgiveness; you are pressured into saying, "I forgive you," just so they'll leave you alone. But you don't. You haven't. You can't. It's impossible.
If you don't forgive them, don't forgive them. It may take a lifetime to feel like you might forgive them. But until you do actually feel no rage, no anger, no resentment, no deep-lasting hurt... you haven't forgiven them, and to say you have, or feel you should, would be a dangerous lie, an evil self-deception.
no subject
But there is something else, something I don't know the right word for. The closest I can come is 'acceptance'. There are things in my past that others did to me that I *cannot* forgive, because they will never be ok and I will never be comfortable with that person again. I cut them out of my life and want to keep it that way because they completely and utterly destroyed my ability to trust them. That doesn't mean I dwell on it or that I let it mess up my life - I came to accept the events as part of my life, since I can't undo the past, and I'm ok with it. They are part of who I am now because they shaped me. But I did not forgive them and never intend to. It would take overwhleming proof for me to accept they had changed and were worthy of my time, let alone my trust, again.
no subject
Well, OK, maybe BJ.
But that would be forgiving him for being, like, *born*.