Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-05-23 11:28 am
azurelunatic) wrote2003-05-23 11:28 am
A compilation of my things to mention at the meeting tonight
These things are from all over my journal, with links to most of the relevant entries scattered throughout, though the content is mixed together.
From here, edited to fit the current situation.
I've been doing far better with stability than I once was. It takes quite a bit accumulated these days to knock me off my balance. I could be doing better; I always could be doing better. However, I have been improving. Things that would have been making me cry and break down six months ago are not rocking me now. It used to be that I would come in to breakfast with Darkside all teared up approximately once a week. I avoided huge breakdowns by breaking down small amounts continually, in a more or less controlled fashion.
This is fine when I have someone I can tell everything to, and someone who won't freak out when they get a good solid barely-censored glimpse of the things that I deal with on a day-to-day basis.
Any large disruption to my life also disrupts my general coping strategies. Lately, my priestess-confessor's been busy with stuff in her own life, and hasn't had the time to catch things in my brain that I don't typically catch on my own. Darkside hasn't been doing his usual thing where he roots out everything that bothers me and asks me why; I've been mostly on my own. I'm learning, but the process is painful and difficult. Compare this to January and February, where I was virtually crippled in knowing my own mind without Darkside's constant presence. (I knew what was going on, vaguely, but I wasn't sure that I knew.)
When life and communication have turned upside-down, when I have PMS but bad (and the longer the cycle, the worse the PMS, and it was 37 days this time vs. the usual 31), when things have been going wrong, when I feel like everything's closing in at once -- even small things that make me feel like no one loves me, no one wants me, and so forth, freak me out.
When I'm upset about something, anything, killing myself is one of the things that does cross my mind. This is one of the many ways in which I am broken. I am not particularly likely to *do* anything like this, unless something particularly drastic happened that rendered all the safety interlocks between the thinking about it and the actually doing it null and void. There are quite a few.
I do not think about killing myself very often. I would say that it normally happens mildly maybe once a month, at the worst point of Bitchy Witchy Week. This is a mild thing, and I know it is a silly response, and a better response would be to go back home to Alaska, or to move out by myself where no one would be around me to trigger me. This is a necessary safety measure.
If I think about killing myself more than mildly, and discarded-in-passing-as-not-an-option (and I count discarded-as-not-an-option as thinking about it, because it is), my safety systems come on loudly. This happens in any major emotional crisis.
Me hurting myself nonfatally is not a danger point. It is probably a point where you should call Ro, at any hour of the day or night, because I'm not *supposed* to do that, but it is not outright dangerous, just very disturbing to everyone involved. This is when I am hurting so much on the inside that it is dangerous for me to not show how much I hurt on the outside as well. When I'm verbal, this is quickly and safely defused with LJ or chat. When I can speak, I can tell someone. When all expression of my words has left me, and I can't show how badly I hurt, bad things, but nonfatal bad things, happen. Bruises are somewhat more concealable than large chunks of hair missing.
I have never actively attempted to kill myself. Ever. I've thought about it, but even at my worst points during the whole meltdown with Shawn, I never once so much as started to get up to pick up a knife. The thought of actually causing my own death leaves me in a heap of desperate tears, reaching out to anyone I think will not reject me, for companionship, because I know I would have to be alone to kill myself. River saved my ass once;
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boojum saved it another time. Those were my two worst times. I pray to never go through that again... Both of those were the result of rejection. The first time was the cumulated result of good ol' Shawn dumping me to get married, and not being very careful with my feelings in the doing so. The second time was far more insidious, and featured me being a pushy bitch, and getting called on it, and me concluding that I was always going to be a pushy bitch and alienate those I love, and never have my love returned. At that time, I was under the impression that I had just lost myself my best friend, through my own idiotic actions that I should have known better rather than to do.
Alone, miserable, and lying very very still with no noise whatsoever, especially after something really bad emotionally goes down is probably the most dangerous to myself that I am. This is, however, really hard to tell from lying there asleep or sulking. This doesn't happen very often.
I am improving, mentally, very rapidly. I identify new stuff that I have to work on every time I write what's going on inside, every time I talk with Ro or Darkside. I just have been on a trip through old entries of my journal, and I can identify distinct improvement from the start of the journal, from two years ago to one year ago, one year ago to six months ago, six months ago to today. I've even gotten my head on more straight since April. It's just now improving enough so that it can be brought out into the light where other people can see it without something exploding.
I cry a lot. This is normal for me. I tear up at movies, and sad passages in books. I've always cried easily. Me crying does not mean it's the end of the world. It means that something has upset me, and I am reacting.
I think that the earlier "don't react" advice has done a lovely lot of damage to me. It was expected of me that I learn not to react, and instead of fixing the things that make me fly off the handle about stuff, I made it so that I would not show what was happening inside outwardly. I perceived that I was expected to become unreacting immediately, and that it did not matter how I arrived at it, it was the not reacting that was important.
I am more than somewhat upset and annoyed, and yes, angry, over the whole topic.
I am still used to the idea that I should not show the bits of me that are upset over anything to
votania, because it will be "reacting", and I should not react, at least, not where she can see it. Because reacting is bad. I am still, down under, irrationally afraid that if I react over something, and show it, that I will automatically be wrong, and blamed for it, no matter if I have a reason or right to feel that way. My rant about my sanity, with additions and clarifications:
I am not a danger to you.
I am not a danger to anyone who has not given me rightful cause to be furious with them.
If you have given me rightful cause to be furious with you, and you are a friend, you will hear about it sooner or later.
If you have given me rightful cause to be furious with you and you are not a friend, I may tell you about it and confront you about it, or I may never bring it up, and never allow you to get away with anything like that again.
When I am a danger to someone, I have a safety interlock which makes it so I tend to shred them verbally rather than inflicting physical harm, which may leave them in tears, but not actually in danger.
I may reserve the right to not talk to you about something I'm furious about until I've calmed down enough not to shred you, as I don't like doing that to friends. I may wait to talk about something until I've worked it through either by myself, or with someone else, so that I will have something coherent to say.
The only person who is unlikely to ever get shredded is Darkside, as I am more terrified of hurting him than I am of hurting myself. This is safe because, and only because, he knows me well enough to pick up on when I am in pain, however slight, and would never, ever knowingly harm me. If he accidentally harmed me, he would see it, and he would make every effort to undo any damage. As it stands, he cannot bear to see me suffering from any sort of damage, no matter who caused it, and so holds me, listens to me, advises me, and thwacks me upside the head, where appropriate, to help me heal.
Trust me when I say that I am not typically a danger to myself.
Trust my safety cutoffs: I know when I *am* becoming dangerous to myself and others. I have multiple personalities for a reason. They are part of my safety cutoff system. When my system reaches a trigger point that I have hardwired, and Ro has been increasingly moving to more and more minor points, someone will take over, and I will find someone who can chill me down. It used to be, I would only find myself compelled to contact someone who could talk me down when I was on the verge of death. At this point, I will contact someone when I feel I am on the verge of doing myself deliberately nonfatal harm. This is distinct progress.
Trust me when I say that it's highly unlikely that I will write that unwritten letter. I know who the letter is to, and what it would say... and how very much it would hurt the recipient. I have chosen that I would write any suicide note to the person who I would rather harm myself first than harm them, knowing that me doing this would harm them beyond measure. This is a final safety lock. If that relationship becomes damaged or disrupted, there is very real danger, but anything cataclysmic enough to disturb something that solid would be a big problem anyway.
Trust those who I have chosen as being trustworthy to help me handling my issues. It feels like you will not be satisfied until I have an actual certified-with-paperwork *shrink* look me over and help me out. I do not have one of those that I can trust. I do have a priestess-confessor who is able to talk to everyone in my head, who everyone in my head likes and trusts. (In Marah's case, rather grudgingly, but still.) Even when she delivers much-needed cuffs upside the head, she is still Trusted. The expense and the getting-to-know process for a shrink makes that not an option for me. I think that she is capable of helping me handle these issues. She has made me face up to some things that I would not have looked at on my own, and she has successfully programmed me that I am to call her and talk about what is bothering me rather than injure myself.
Trust me to remain functional if absolutely necessary. If a panic attack hits when I'm alone with the Little Fayoumis, I will remain calm, and say, "Joanie's sad right now. I think I need to go to my room and be alone," and until I am in my room, I won't visibly break down.
When I am having a panic attack, I will believe everything you say to me, within the bounds of possibility. When I am having a panic attack, I no longer trust my perceptions of the emotions and thoughts of those around me. The one thing I still do trust is my own internal-state sensors. So if you say to me that your mother thinks I am insane and does not like me, I will believe you. And I will not like either her, or you. If you say that I am dangerously unstable and really need immediate professional help, and I know that if I could just get hugs and reassurances that I *can* work through this shit, I'd be fine... I'm NOT going to do well with it. Because I know myself. And I know that I will be fine. And I'll know that I can't count on you to give me any help. Ever.
What I do need, when I am having a panic attack, is hugs, or just someone being close to me so I know I'm not alone. that you haven't abandoned me, that I haven't driven everyone away with being insane.
What I don't need when I'm having a panic attack is people telling me hurtful things that are For My Own Good. Those can wait until *after* I've stopped shaking and crying.
When I say that I'm having a panic attack and/or a bad PMS episode, realize that the other things I am saying are hurt and angry and not entirely rational. Wait until I have calmed down enough to be able to have coherent conversation, and ask me about each thing I have said, and judge how much credence to give it.
I may say, in the middle of a panic attack, that I am thinking about killing myself and/or moving. This is not a threat. This is feedback on my internal state. This is what is happening in my head. It would happen in my head if I told you, or if I didn't tell you. I was under the impression that you wanted to know what was going on inside, what I am dealing with. You do not have to try and fix me. I do not want you to try and fix me, because this is beyond your expertise. This is something that I am fixing. I was under the impression that you did want to know what was going on with me. If you do not want me to share this with you, I can stop. This will, however, mean that you will not be allowed to ask me what is going on when I am having a panic attack. If I do not feel that you can be trusted to hear what is going on inside when I am having a panic attack, I will endeavor not to tell you. Either of these will mean that you will lose that perspective that you are getting now, and it will also mean that what happens inside me may well come boiling out with very poor control over it.
Even though I'm overreacting when I'm having a panic attack, if I'm telling you what's going on, what I say is what I mean. If I tell you that I'm thinking about killing myself, that means that the thought that is on my mind is the idea of killing myself. It does NOT mean that I am about to act on that. If I tell you that I am likely to do harm to myself, then I mean it, and you should take appropriate action. If I tell you that I am afraid that I will do harm to myself, it means that I am thinking about it, and I do not want to. If I am responsive enough to tell you about it, it means that I am responsive enough to tell you what to do to make me safe, if you ask me.
When someone says, "You are horribly messed up, and we do not know what to do," when I am having a panic attack, that hurts and harms me. It hurts, because I do not want to hear that. It harms me, because the phrase, "You are horribly messed up" is not how I perceive myself. It implies to me that no matter what I do, I will never be able to become better. Even when I am working with the assistance of others, it is still *my* effort driving the process. If I had an expensive shrink with all the paperwork to prove that they were good, they would still only be telling me things and asking me questions and asking me to do things and maybe prescribing me medication. *I* would still be the one living inside my head, and doing the things to myself, and reporting back what was happening inside. If you do not stop telling me how messed up I am, even when you're mad, especially when I'm upset and *acting* messed-up, then I cannot allow myself to become upset around you, which will mean that if something becomes terribly wrong that I have not been able to track down until it becomes terribly wrong, and I cannot express it quietly and without emotion, then I will not be able to express it to you, and it will remain wrong. This is not negotiable.
I don't want this to turn into a flurry of "You're sick, let's drag you to a doctor", because rest assured, it would involve dragging, and it would be very much against my will. I do know that there are some people who will and do take any confession of instability of mine a sign that there is worse lurking, and make threats, and tell me how bad it is that I am feeling this way. I am the one living inside my mind, and I am very stubborn. Unless you are more stubborn than me, and are determined to hurt me as much as it takes to get me to submit, I will not at this point see a shrink. And rest assured, you would hurt me, if you tried, and did not back off as soon as you met resistance.
When I confess something that's in my mind, it's not the time to tell me how bad this is, how abnormal, no matter how bad it may actually be. That will convince me that there is something dreadfully wrong with me that nothing can possibly fix, and I will turn in on myself, and not only will I be more hurt, but I will not confess what is in my heart to you again. I will cut you out of my life as much as I can, to save my mind from those who would make me worse, even unknowing.
When someone brings up the topic of what other people think, when they think that I am insane, et cetera, this is not helpful. It hurts horribly on the best of days. I am only interested in what *you* think of me. You are my friends. What your mother thinks of me should not be relevant. If it becomes relevant, I expect it will be brought up. If it is not relevant, it should not be discussed, because it hurts like hell.
If someone brings up that a person unrelated to the discussion thinks that I am sick, insane, and possibly institutionalizable, while I am in the middle of a breakdown -- leave my sight, and possibly, leave my life. That is not only not helping the issue, and not helping me, but will leave me with nasty, nasty, nasty things to heal afterwards. If you happened to be in an operating room, and saw someone cut open, and you were the only one there, and they just busted out bleeding, would you toss a gallon of gasoline into the incision and set it on fire? Even if you can't find the place where the bleeding is happening, especially if you know you're out of your depth -- don't make it worse. Especially, don't toss out things like that without discussing them, in depth, when calmer, later. Now that you have said that, I *need* to know details, and have it out in a meeting-length discussion SOON, even if it's not on a regular meeting night. The incident disturbed me sufficiently to have discussed it with both my priestess-confessor and Darkside, both of whom were ready to hand out some kicking of ass where applicable. I trust that it will not happen again, even though it has happened, if I recall correctly, twice already.
I have seen people around me showing their bravery and confessing to the darkness within their minds. It's my turn, now.
I must truly be an extrovert. Being unloved enough to be left truly alone makes me want to die.
One of the few things that I've been clinging to, over the past months, but especially in the past few weeks, as it's become more apparent, is that I could not, ever, kill myself while Darkside lives. I could not do that to him. It is wrong, to tie my life to someone else's, and I know this. I do not think I would kill myself if he disappeared from my life in a natural manner, whether drifting away as friends sometimes do, or even if he should die. I do know that I would be in danger if ever he coldly, and with malice aforethought, abandoned me.
List of things that bother me, from here:
My weight.
Not getting to see Darkside.
The fact that Darkside doesn't want to sleep with me.
The fact that Mr. Shallow doesn't want to sleep with me.
Not knowing what's going on, rulewise, with Little Fayoumis.
Not knowing when Little Fayoumis' bedtime is supposed to be.
Having my disciplinary authority undermined with Little Fayoumis when he gets so many exceptional treats (late bedtime, extra gaming time, getting un-grounded when his time isn't up yet).
Arizona drivers
My habit of procrastination
Stuff on the floor that I don't know where to put when it's my turn to vacuum
Cats moshing
A bazillion little trinkets that I have to pick up when it's time to dust
LJ being a slow sonofabitch when I have a paid account
People being mean to each other
Stinky people on the bus
not having enough bookshelves
Chonch's wife calling what feels like every five minutes, especially with the way she and I don't get along
Not getting enough sleep
Being woken up when I'm trying to sleep, especially by cats or the phone
Dishes lying around
Never getting to go on family trips
Never being invited on family trips
Feeling excluded from the mother/son/stepfather bond
Not having someone that close to me
Feeling tied down and trapped
Homesickness for Alaska
Homesickness for Darkside
Rarely getting to see my pretty online anymore
Rarely getting to chat with Ro online anymore
My hair maybe getting too long to manage easily
my uncomfortable computer chair
not wanting to work out
not working out
being broke
not wanting to get a job
being scared to get a job
not wanting to leave the apartment
not reading enough books
not having any good pants that fit right
Payless never having my shoes
my face breaking out
being reluctant to get in the shower
not being able to "off kittens" at times
scared to talk about what is bothering me and how I react to it around people who misunderstand me and get even more scared about it
how you guys will hear me telling what is going on and get all scared about it which makes me totally flip out
you guys not seeming to believe me when I say that I'm actually having my mental state improve
Eris hiding all the time
my stupid carpal tunnel
my stupid cavity that needs filling again
my stupid allergies
my stupid rash-thing
my stupid knees/back
needing glasses
actually wanting to get married
Rarely seeing local friends (cause i'm a bum)
not being able to keep in touch with local friends
not hitting it off with some people as well as I'd like to (ghhaaa, Dennis)
being misunderstood
afraid I'm doing everything wrong with LF
not wanting to play with LF
liking things that are bad for me
not being able to get laid
having random people chastize me for venting my frustrations
being unwilling to remove people from my friends list to get it down to a human size that I can read, especially if I don't read their entries with delight
More things that bother me:
Not getting enough sleep
Insomnia
People leaving their dishes lying around
Thinking I know how something is, and acting on that knowledge, only to find that it's not so, and somehow the rules have changed when I wasn't watching, especially when it's something I take personally
no subject
If so, I suggest some sort of winddown\relaxation session. Sex (whether with another person or not) and a few (but not too many) drinks would be a great start. Don't know whether or now you smoke anymore, I'd suggest that. A hot bath and a good book should finish you off.
You should seriously consider stepping away from your brain for a bit -- when I'm feeling downtrodden, it's the only thing that lets me breath.
Just trying to help - you don't seem well sweetie.
Hang in there ;)
-Gwydion
no subject
This is a fairly accurate list of what's happening in my brain when I'm having a really bad day of it. I needed to list this out so that I can share what, exactly, was going on the other night, when I'm at the family meeting tonight.
Sex when I'm depressed is BAD and does not work and makes things worse. I am not allowed (
If I were really as not well as all that, I wouldn't be able to articulate it half so well. It would probably come out more along the lines of, "Need Darkside. Not going to write that letter. Not. Need him. Where's Ro?"
no subject
I know that feeling. Heck, I cry even when something hasn't upset me (or at least not consciously upset me) (ie., Riverdance this morning :P ) - I'm better about it now - I don't cry in front of my boss anymore. Some days it's a battle of my own will, but I won't let myself cry at work anymore. I just thank all the gods, that I'm good at what I do, unquestionably so, or I wouldn't have a job right now.
What I do need, when I am having a panic attack, is hugs, or just someone being close to me so I know I'm not alone. that you haven't abandoned me, that I haven't driven everyone away with being insane.
What I don't need when I'm having a panic attack is people telling me hurtful things that are For My Own Good. Those can wait until *after* I've stopped shaking and crying.
When I say that I'm having a panic attack and/or a bad PMS episode, realize that the other things I am saying are hurt and angry and not entirely rational. Wait until I have calmed down enough to be able to have coherent conversation, and ask me about each thing I have said, and judge how much credence to give it.
Thank you for putting that into words. I've tried to explain what's going on when I'm having a panic attack, but it usually comes up *while* I'm having one, which inevitably leads to more issues with whoever happens to be there. But then if I try to discuss it outside of having a panic attack, I feel like I'm not believed because how could I think about something seemingly irrational so rationally, ya know?
If you're comfortable with it, would you mind talking more about your multiple personalities? My sister has MPD - I don't understand it in the slightest. Her situation is different though - she doesn't have any internal checks and balances - street drugs have completely screwed that up for her if she ever had any of her own. She's completely out of control. I don't know that I want to truly understand *her*, so much as I want to understand the concept in general, so that I don't develop either an insensitivity or intolerance to those with it.
BTW, I completely respect you for a) being able to recognize what's going on in your head, and knowing your checks and balances, and b) knowing that it doesn't necessarily take a licensed "professional" to improve. I've found a couple (read, literally, two) over the years that have helped significantly with the PTSD and anxieties...but for the most part, eh...no thanks...and I won't take drugs over it.
The best one had a buddhist (?) meditation bowl, didn't think I was nuts for being pagan and experiencing some of the stuff I have (of note, he's the only one I've Trusted enough to actually *say* any of it to), and that I felt I learned something from. I forget the name of the therapy he used, but it was something that involved rapid eye movements, to essentially scramble brain paths (don't drive after a session of it -*laugh*- I found myself incredibly, unbelievably lost after one - I never get lost)...and things just seemed....less intense for a while after that - at least long enough for it to get through to my brain that *I'm* the one in control of my own life, and my actions or inactions are my own decisions, which has ultimately helped me handle stress a little better. Unfortunately I didn't have a friend close by that I Trusted that could do that...and now, my insurance doesn't cover him...*sigh*
I have a *LOOOONGGGG* way to go...but I'm working on it...it's slower when I"m on my own, but I like to think I'm getting there. step by itty bitty step.
no subject
A panic attack doesn't impair my ability to notice stuff. I know what's going on inside me, and I can hear what people are saying. What I can't do is process it rationally.
I can take what I remember from the session, and process it rationally afterwards.
I will go more indepth about the gang.
Panic Attacks
Re: Panic Attacks