azurelunatic | Thoughts

Thoughts

I've noticed, with some people who have been abused in the past, that their "Get the hell away from me" "This is Not Good" triggers are hypersensitive, and things that a "normal" person wouldn't pick up on set them off.

Some people dismiss this as overreacting.

I'm wondering if some people's senses aren't undersensitive, underdeveloped, and things that would be screaming out warning signals to anyone who knew what was happening just don't get noticed. Some people escape without realizing what a close call they had. Some people don't.

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I've been accused of overreacting. I tend to retreat quickly and throw up as many walls as I can between me and the offending party/parties when something like that is triggered. I also don't act by half-measures...I don't just slap someone's wrist and say, "Hey, that wasn't cool, knock it off," I'll toss them out completely and cut them off completely if they violate a boundary.

The single biggest trigger? When someone does not hear me say "No. Stop it now." It doesn't even have to be in a completely sexual situation...if someone doesn't hear "No, I don't want a relationship with you," "No, I won't give you any money," "No, I don't like it when you say those things"...anything like that sets it off.

Enough people in the past refused to hear me say no, and took what they wanted anyway. So when I have repeatedly told someone no, they are crossing a boundary, and they keep at it, panic sets in. Will this person also just ignore me and take what they want?

I've been repeatedly told that's not a healthy response, or a fair response. That all I have to do is ignore these people, I go too far in getting scared or getting angry and eliminating them from my life.

But this, and similar things (remember that would-be suitor from last fall, who kept pushing and then blew up? that situation applies too) have happened enough times that I think you may have a point. Maybe the rest just don't see the things we do. Perhaps blessedly so.

It's a survival instinct that kicks in, in those situations. I'm not driving someone away because I'm being a bitch; I'm getting away from them because they're scaring me badly, and I can no longer be comfortable in the situation.

Actually, re-reading your post from back when about the guy who would not hear no was what triggered this post.

They're little signals, they're subtle signals... to anyone who doesn't know what to look for.

Happily for me, I've never been in a physically abusive relationship. I did have to deal with Shawn and BJ, neither of whom were interested in making my mental/emotional life easy.

I have triggers like that, often, and I think they're both more accurate and overreeacting, at the same time. I mean, yeah, I think I pick up on stuff that's there but that many people wouldn't notice. The problem is that reacting to such info is often not appropriate, so I've tried to learn to just note but set aside the minor triggers, instead of addressing them.

When i can do that to generalized pissiness, I think it makes me a better teacher; i can pick up on people when they're having problems and address them, heading off frustration. It sucks when the person is just generally pissy, though. You've read my vents about a couple of those!

Oy, yes.

I am using my experience with Shawn, et cetera, to good effect with little kids. The Little Fayoumis is a wiggly, squirmy boy; I am highly attuned to male frustration that's about to explode, and I can usually defuse it.

One of my favorite author on this very subject is Gavin DeBecker. He is a security expert 'to the stars' (whatever)... but he makes some really good points about how we are programmed not to trust our instincts and it puts us at risk.

His books are titled: 'The Gift of Fear' and 'Protecting the Gift'. The second book talks about how to raise our children to be more trusting of their instincts to be safe.

I highly recommend them both.

I didn't realize a second book had come out, but when I read The Gift of Fear, so many things hit so close to home.

It did the same for me. Let me tell you, I've never felt the same way parking in an underground garage again.

ah! I found a link to the book here (http://www.gdbinc.com/books-gof.htm)!

Harlan Ellison wrote something about there being no overreaction, just reaction. Individual to each person and stimulus.

Ooh. Good stuff for Zephyr character development purposes.

I was thinking about those things you said, about him scanning as "abused" to you, and wondering what I tapped into to create such a character so accurately. The more feedback I get, the more it's confirmed that, indeed, I'm dead-on accurate with this one.

I still have yet to determine from where inside me this stuff is coming from, but there's no doubt about it - it's all me. Well, except for some of it based on observations of other people, and posts like this one. Truisms, they must be. I deal in truisms.

Your senses may be oversharp, and have overloaded you so much you don't know how to process it for yourself.

Thus, you unload into Sagas.

Hmm. This may tie into the fact that I have no shields. Instead, I engage in shieldlike behavior. Saga might be one of those.

pulled from my quote file/sig file

"The next time someone tries to discredit you with the phrase "you are overreacting", try this: According to Newton's Third Law, this is not possible. Every reaction is equal to the original action, no more, no less. Therefore, my reaction is
totally appropriate a response to what you have said."

My other response is what exactly qualifies you (the person critisizing my response) to establish to what and how much I should react to anything? Haven't seen it in a law book, the koran, the bible, or in any buddhist philosophy, so unless you REALLY want to see me over react to something, get the hell out of my face!

Hee.

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Thoughts

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Instinct

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Gift of Fear

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Didn't know I was going to say this until it came out.

Re: Didn't know I was going to say this until it came out.

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