Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-06-29 08:00 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2003-06-29 08:00 pm
Fwd: God's Survey (needs severe clean-up work, and an actual LJ poll, which I'll do eventually.)
Edit: This is the raw text of the poll as forwarded to me. I crafted it into an actual LJ poll, which is here.
God
> would like to thank you for your belief and
> patronage. In order to better
> serve your needs, She/He asks that you take a few
> moments to answer the
> following questions:
>
> 1. How did you find out about your deity?
>
> __ Newspaper
>
> __ Bible
>
> __ Torah
>
> __ Television
>
> __ Book of Mormon
>
> __ Divine Inspiration
>
> __ Dead Sea Scrolls
>
> __ My Mama Done Tol' Me
>
> __ Near Death Experience
>
> __ Near Life Experience
>
> __ National Public Radio
>
> __ Tabloid
>
> __ Burning Shrubbery
>
> __ Other (specify): _____________
>
>
> 2. Which model deity did you acquire?
>
> __ Jehovah
>
> __ Jesus
>
> __ Krishna
>
> __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
>
> __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
>
> __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
>
> __ Allah
>
> __ Satan
>
> __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
>
> __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
>
> __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
>
> __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
>
>
> 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all
> parts in good working order
> and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
>
> __ Yes __ No
>
> If no, please describe the problems you initially
> encountered here. Please
> indicate all that apply:
>
> __ Not eternal
>
> __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the
> entire cosmos
>
> __ Not omniscient
>
> __ Not omnipotent
>
> __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all
> things to all creations)
>
> __ Permits sex outside of marriage
>
> __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
>
> __ Makes mistakes
>
> __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good
> people
>
> __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad
> people
>
> __ Looks after life other than that on Earth
>
> __ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
>
> __ Requires burnt offerings
>
> __ Requires virgin sacrifices
>
>
> 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
> acquire a deity? Please
> check all that apply.
>
> __ Indoctrinated by parents
>
> __ Needed a reason to live
>
> __ Indoctrinated by society
>
> __ Needed focus in whom to despise
>
> __ Needed focus in whom to love
>
> __ Imaginary friend grew up
>
> __ Hate to think for myself
>
> __ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
>
> __ Fear of death
>
> __ Wanted to piss off parents
>
> __ Wanted to please parents
>
> __ Needed a day away from school or work
>
> __ Desperate need for certainty
>
> __ Like organ music
>
> __ Need to feel morally superior
>
> __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
>
> __ Thought there had to be something other than
> Jerry Falwell
>
> __ Shit was falling out of the sky
>
> __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
>
>
> 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so,
> which false god were you
> fooled by? Please check all that apply.
>
> __ Baal
>
> __ The Almighty Dollar
>
> __ Left Wing Liberalism
>
> __ The Radical Right
>
> __ Amon Ra
>
> __ Beelzebub
>
> __ Bill Gates
>
> __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
>
> __ The Great Spirit
>
> __ The Great Pumpkin
>
> __ The Sun
>
> __ The Moon
>
> __ The Force
>
> __ Cindy Crawford
>
> __ Elvis
>
> __ A burning shrub
>
> __ Psychiatry
>
> __ Other: ________________
>
> 6. Are you currently using any other source of
> inspiration in addition to
> God? Please check all that apply.
>
> __ Tarot
>
> __ Lottery
>
> __ Astrology
>
> __ Television
>
> __ Fortune cookies
>
> __ Ann Landers
>
> __ Psychic Friends Network
>
> __ Dianetics
>
> __ Palmistry
>
> __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
>
> __ Self-help books
>
> __ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
>
> __ Biorhythms
>
> __ Alcohol
>
> __ Marijuana
>
> __ Bill Clinton
>
> __ Tea Leaves
>
> __ EST
>
> __ Amway
>
> __ CompuServe
>
> __ Mantras
>
> __ Jimmy Swaggert
>
> __ Crystals
>
> __ Human sacrifice
>
> __ Pyramids
>
> __ Wandering around a desert
>
> __ Insurance policies
>
> __ Burning shrubbery
>
> __ Barney T.B.P.D.
>
> __ Barney Fife
>
> __ Other:_____________________
>
> __ None
>
>
> 7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine
> Intervention to preserve
> a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
> Which would you prefer?
>
> Circle one below:
>
> a. More Divine Intervention
>
> b. Less Divine Intervention
>
> c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just
> right
>
> d. Don't know.
>
> e. What's Divine Intervention?
>
>
> 8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a
> balanced level of disasters and
> miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 your
opinion
> of the handling of the
> following (1= unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
>
> a. Disasters:
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 flood
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 famine
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 plague
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 Spam
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 AOL
>
>
> b. Miracles:
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 rescues
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns &
> previously unknown hamlets
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
>
>
> 9. From time to time God reputedly makes available
> the names and addresses of
> Her/His followers and devotees to selected
reputedly
> divine personages who
> provide quality services and perform intercessions
> in Her/His behalf.
>
> Are you interested in a compilation of listed
> offerings?
>
> __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for
> the benefit of my own
> mortal soul.
>
> __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious
> fanatics clamoring for my
> money.
>
>
> 10. Do you have any additional comments or
> suggestions for improving the
> quality of God's services? (Attach an additional
> sheet if necessary.)
God
> would like to thank you for your belief and
> patronage. In order to better
> serve your needs, She/He asks that you take a few
> moments to answer the
> following questions:
>
> 1. How did you find out about your deity?
>
> __ Newspaper
>
> __ Bible
>
> __ Torah
>
> __ Television
>
> __ Book of Mormon
>
> __ Divine Inspiration
>
> __ Dead Sea Scrolls
>
> __ My Mama Done Tol' Me
>
> __ Near Death Experience
>
> __ Near Life Experience
>
> __ National Public Radio
>
> __ Tabloid
>
> __ Burning Shrubbery
>
> __ Other (specify): _____________
>
>
> 2. Which model deity did you acquire?
>
> __ Jehovah
>
> __ Jesus
>
> __ Krishna
>
> __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
>
> __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
>
> __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
>
> __ Allah
>
> __ Satan
>
> __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
>
> __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
>
> __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
>
> __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
>
>
> 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all
> parts in good working order
> and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
>
> __ Yes __ No
>
> If no, please describe the problems you initially
> encountered here. Please
> indicate all that apply:
>
> __ Not eternal
>
> __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the
> entire cosmos
>
> __ Not omniscient
>
> __ Not omnipotent
>
> __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all
> things to all creations)
>
> __ Permits sex outside of marriage
>
> __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
>
> __ Makes mistakes
>
> __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good
> people
>
> __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad
> people
>
> __ Looks after life other than that on Earth
>
> __ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
>
> __ Requires burnt offerings
>
> __ Requires virgin sacrifices
>
>
> 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
> acquire a deity? Please
> check all that apply.
>
> __ Indoctrinated by parents
>
> __ Needed a reason to live
>
> __ Indoctrinated by society
>
> __ Needed focus in whom to despise
>
> __ Needed focus in whom to love
>
> __ Imaginary friend grew up
>
> __ Hate to think for myself
>
> __ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
>
> __ Fear of death
>
> __ Wanted to piss off parents
>
> __ Wanted to please parents
>
> __ Needed a day away from school or work
>
> __ Desperate need for certainty
>
> __ Like organ music
>
> __ Need to feel morally superior
>
> __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
>
> __ Thought there had to be something other than
> Jerry Falwell
>
> __ Shit was falling out of the sky
>
> __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
>
>
> 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so,
> which false god were you
> fooled by? Please check all that apply.
>
> __ Baal
>
> __ The Almighty Dollar
>
> __ Left Wing Liberalism
>
> __ The Radical Right
>
> __ Amon Ra
>
> __ Beelzebub
>
> __ Bill Gates
>
> __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
>
> __ The Great Spirit
>
> __ The Great Pumpkin
>
> __ The Sun
>
> __ The Moon
>
> __ The Force
>
> __ Cindy Crawford
>
> __ Elvis
>
> __ A burning shrub
>
> __ Psychiatry
>
> __ Other: ________________
>
> 6. Are you currently using any other source of
> inspiration in addition to
> God? Please check all that apply.
>
> __ Tarot
>
> __ Lottery
>
> __ Astrology
>
> __ Television
>
> __ Fortune cookies
>
> __ Ann Landers
>
> __ Psychic Friends Network
>
> __ Dianetics
>
> __ Palmistry
>
> __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
>
> __ Self-help books
>
> __ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
>
> __ Biorhythms
>
> __ Alcohol
>
> __ Marijuana
>
> __ Bill Clinton
>
> __ Tea Leaves
>
> __ EST
>
> __ Amway
>
> __ CompuServe
>
> __ Mantras
>
> __ Jimmy Swaggert
>
> __ Crystals
>
> __ Human sacrifice
>
> __ Pyramids
>
> __ Wandering around a desert
>
> __ Insurance policies
>
> __ Burning shrubbery
>
> __ Barney T.B.P.D.
>
> __ Barney Fife
>
> __ Other:_____________________
>
> __ None
>
>
> 7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine
> Intervention to preserve
> a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
> Which would you prefer?
>
> Circle one below:
>
> a. More Divine Intervention
>
> b. Less Divine Intervention
>
> c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just
> right
>
> d. Don't know.
>
> e. What's Divine Intervention?
>
>
> 8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a
> balanced level of disasters and
> miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 your
opinion
> of the handling of the
> following (1= unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
>
> a. Disasters:
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 flood
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 famine
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 plague
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 Spam
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 AOL
>
>
> b. Miracles:
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 rescues
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns &
> previously unknown hamlets
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
>
>
> 9. From time to time God reputedly makes available
> the names and addresses of
> Her/His followers and devotees to selected
reputedly
> divine personages who
> provide quality services and perform intercessions
> in Her/His behalf.
>
> Are you interested in a compilation of listed
> offerings?
>
> __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for
> the benefit of my own
> mortal soul.
>
> __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious
> fanatics clamoring for my
> money.
>
>
> 10. Do you have any additional comments or
> suggestions for improving the
> quality of God's services? (Attach an additional
> sheet if necessary.)
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sorry I didn't get a chance to call you, the last couple days have been rather hectic. The mustard and water didn't work by the way. I was depeserate, as I rather dislike mustard! Oh well, I survived!
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