Temperature fluctuations...

[azurelunatic]

My legs feel cold. My torso feels hot, in that way that feels like you've been out in the sun too long and have stored up too much heat. I don't feel at all emotionally secure.

Reading this hit something. How bi am I really? Truly?

Will, someday, I win the guy, and not bring the pretty girl home with me too? I've known for a long time that for me, a secure stable bonding relationship is unlikely to happen with me and a girl. Not and have both of us remain sane and ourselves. I've never met the girl who can be that anchor for me.

I feel like I'm drifting, right now. Darkside's not anchoring me... not really.

Comments

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Jeez. Your sexuality is just who you find sexually attractive and arousing. Don't put so much *into* it. Darkside is *more* than that. You've never found a girl that could be what he is to you. That doesn't make you not bisexual. *shrug* It just means you've found an extremely strong, special relationship, and it happened to be with a man.

Why do people think that being bisexual means you have to have both? If you have a monogamous partner, you only get one partner. That means you have to pick one.

[azurelunatic]

It's one of those ingrained guilt things.

For whatever reason, I have a Thing about my sexuality. Not as pronounced as some people's Things about it, but it's definitely there. (It's just mild compared to the other stuff, so if it's what's coming out when I'm grumpy and still not bleeding properly yet, I'd say that I'm doing fairly well...)

It's one of those "I know I shouldn't but I do anyway" things.

I feel guilty that I don't think that there are women with the right psychological makeup for me to form that kind of bond with. I irrationally feel that if I am, as I claim, bisexual, then I should be equally capable of loving men and women. This is although I know that "loving" does not equate to "willing to marry". What I do feel and what I think I should feel are at odds with each other, and that makes it kind of weird for me.

Re:

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

I irrationally feel that if I am, as I claim, bisexual, then I should be equally capable of loving men and women.

Well, that's just silly. You would have to be completely, smack-dab, EXACTLY in the middle of the sliding scale to be *equally* capable of loving men and women. You'd have to be, like me, pretty much uncaring of a person's plumbing. Most people have at least a mild preference one way or the other, or separate out loving and sex, or *something*.

Bi-sexual means that you are sexually interested in both sexes. You are obviously capable of loving both men and women, because I have already *seen* you love, romantically, both men and women. I have seen you be sexually interested in both men and women. Just because you have not found both a man and a women in your past that you were willing to make a *commitment* to means nothing. Even if you make a true declaration that you could only make a life commitment to a man doesn't make you heterosexual. *shrug* It just means that you'd only be willing to make a lifelong commitment to a man.

And I've come up against instinctive feelings that don't match up with my mental images with myself before. That's what I call self-inconsistencies. The only thing to do (for me, at least, which is the only example I can give, of course) is to analyze why the inconsistency exists, and work at correcting it, in one direction or the other, whichever makes more sense. You *can* change your feelings, but it's a slow process, because they're instinctive. You have to relearn that whatever caused those feelings is wrong and gone and lied to you (I'm saying if *you* decide that feelings are wrong and need to be changed, not that any

[azurelunatic]

Ah. In my case, the snag is that "If you love them, you'll of course want to marry them."

Because that's what everybody does.

(The "because that's what everybody does" is a flawed assumption, of course. It's based off my mom and my dad, who have been married for a good 24 years or so, and are a good advertisement for Picking The Right One when getting married, as the closest they ever came to divorce was me screaming that I wished they would get a divorce at the height of my teenage pissiness. This shocked everyone. Later, when there was a rumor floating around that they were getting divorced, I laughed my ass off when I heard it, because it was so far from the truth.)