azurelunatic | So not his oblivious fault

votania said that she hated to see what he put me through.

Fortunately for the health of my friendship with him, that's not entirely correct.

If he knew what were going on in my pointy little head, things would be much different. The thing is, though, he somehow has missed out on the subtlety that when I tell him, "I miss you", this is an understatement that means, "

garnetdagger has been making will saves so that we don't cry ourselves to sleep at night if we don't get to talk to you at least twice a week and don't get to see you in person at least once a month."

I missed CTY like that, OK? It's not my thing to miss anyone so badly. I missed Shawn horribly when he visited his father for the summer, but most of that was the fact that I knew he was in deadly danger, and he was my responsibility and I couldn't do shit about it. I'd miss the Little Fayoumis like that if he went to spend the weekend at Grandma's house without us (for the same reason I missed Shawn: because not only do I love him, I know he'd be in danger, and I wouldn't be there if something happened). I missed the Lady E., and I miss my Pretty, but not like that.

When I'm away from Darkside, and he's away from me? I get morose, and miss him, and invent inane excuses to call him, and sulk if he has to go, and call back again as soon as politely possible. (Usually, this means one call a day, two tops, unless there's a reason for calling more, like he has to do something right now but try back later. I avoid calling him on days when I know he's going to be busy.) He seems to get more grumpy.

In short, I miss him. He will be told what that means, since he seems to have not picked it up on his own...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

As I've learned from The Big Dog (and am still learning on a daily basis), men don't take hints. You can't imply, infer or allege. You have to come right out and SAY it, clear as the great blue sky, or they will never get it.

I have plans to, when next I call him.

Ask him if he knows what it means when I tell him that I miss him.

though he could have picked up on this and chosen to ignore it in the mindset of if he didn't encourage it, it would cease.

If he'd picked up on the pain, he wouldn't be doing this.

Shawn would have. Darkside would not. Ever.

all i'm suggesting is that he may not be the one who needs to be clued in.

I guess I'm not sure what you're saying.

you seem to be very heavily dependant on darkside for your own mental health and wellbeing, which in itself is not all healthy. also, you seem to be the only one putting any energy into the friendship. you do a lot of things for him (flowers, phone calls, etc), but that doesn't seem to be reciprocated (this is going by what you've put on public posts in your journal- there has never been a mention, as far as i can recall, where you mentioned darkside calling you or giving you a present). when is the last time darkside called you out of the blue (i.e. not returning a call)?

also, from what you've written in public posts, you have not had a good history of relationships with men. could this fixation on darkside be a continuance of that? he may not be hurting you intentionally, but your emotional investment in him is hurting you. again this is speculation gleaned from your public posts, you've invested a lot into someone who is emotionally distant and disinterested in you, and you're not getting anything back.

He doesn't call out of the blue. He does not call anyone. His ex-girlfriend, to whom he was utterly devoted, is a friend of mine. When I mentioned that my phone calls with him were regularly more than five minutes, she was completely boggled.

For this past Christmas, he gave me the first DVD of X, an anime series I'd never heard of before, that I loved the instant I watched.

Loving Darkside definitely continues my pattern of utterly falling for guys who aren't, for some reason, utterly suitable. I am very aware of this pattern. However, unlike most of the past situations of that type, Darkside will go out of his way to avoid harming me if he knows that something is causing me harm. (The past relationships of that intensity: Pyro was careful of me, and he and I are friends as we've always been. Shawn was an emotionally abusive bastard and everyone who cared about me hated his guts and only put up with him because I loved him. River was nice, and he also dated my sister, and they're still in touch. BJ was not a good person to start with, and Darkside disliked him on sight. Adam was not good to me; Darkside also dislikes him.) Most of the posts concerning the details of how Darkside makes sure he's not causing me harm are locked.

I disagree on the 'not getting anything back' part, and since I'm the one in this, it's my opinion that counts. He is my best friend, first and foremost, and my loving him is an unavoidable side effect of who he is and who I am and the trust he's earned. He has my friendship, and I have his, and I treasure that.

I have attempted to unlove him several times in the past. When each of those attempts triggered nasty depressions, he pointed out the pattern to me, and lectured me at length on the folly of deliberately messing up my mind.

It would certainly be more convenient for both of us if I quietly and naturally fell out of love with him. But due to the intensity of the friendship, and the nature of the friendship, I don't see that happening any time soon.

And there I am again. "Emotionally abusive." Agh...

Also, as

iroshi could assure you if you asked her, both Darkside and I are working to make it possible for me to be strong on my own. Most of those posts are locked. His desire is for it to be unnecessary for me to come crying to him with everything, and he's doing some precisely calculated kicking of my ass towards that end, and I'm helping.

as i said in my prior comments, i was working off what you've said in public posts. if you are working towards becoming emotionally self-sufficient, good for you.

*nods*

We're working to undo some old and nasty things. I wouldn't remain his best friend long if I refused to help make myself who he knows I can be.

So not his oblivious fault

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